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administrator
22-06-2006, 11:41 AM
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

:aus-flag:

bigG
22-06-2006, 02:59 PM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

very nice almost as funny as the cats and dog thread

chaplain
22-06-2006, 03:11 PM
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
her
car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered
her a
ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they
rode
off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
let
out a "Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,

yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service-station
attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his

waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman

answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

bigG
25-06-2006, 08:44 PM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

chaplain
26-06-2006, 08:16 PM
Kiwi walks into the marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm & says, "Darling, this is the pig I have *** with when you have a headache."

With disdain, his missus lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

Kiwi says " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

;frosty;

chaplain
26-06-2006, 08:24 PM
who said fishing was fun :ebony:

My1 Management
27-06-2006, 10:45 AM
I want to go shark fishing one day. Saw one of these fishing shows once and they were up north, and they were fishing off the beach and they caught some sharks!

Fishing is great hehe

Ebony (http://www.my1.com.au)

administrator
20-07-2006, 02:28 PM
good job i only got two friends :)

administrator
20-07-2006, 02:31 PM
Dog Story

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****..."

administrator
20-07-2006, 02:44 PM
Smart Ass Answer #4:

> A lady is picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery

> store, but she can't find one big enough for her family. She asks a

> stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

> The stock boy replied, "No ma'am. They're dead."

administrator
20-07-2006, 02:45 PM
Smart Ass Answer #3:

>

> The cop gets out of his car and says to the kid who he's stopped for

> speeding: "I've been waiting for you all day!"

> The kid replies, "Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could."

> When the cop finally stops laughing, he sends the kid on his

>

> way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

>

> A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up

> that reads: "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is

> right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up

> for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and

> walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Stuck,

> huh?"

> The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran

> out of gas."

administrator
20-07-2006, 02:50 PM
Womens humour - watch out men!!!!

* My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood
ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When
I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll
buy me a diamond.
;frosty;

administrator
20-07-2006, 02:53 PM
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and,
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
that she is a Bulldogs fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, are Bulldogs
fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why
didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied. The teacher, still
shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are
you a fan of?"
"I'm a Sea Eagles fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher
could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Sea Eagles fan?"
Mary then replied "Because my mum and dad are from Dee Why, and so
my mum is a Sea Eagles fan and my dad is a Sea Eagles fan, so I'm a
Sea Eagles fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a Sea Eagles fan. You don't have to be just
like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your
brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

administrator
20-07-2006, 03:00 PM
Brokeback Ranch-hand Humor

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was
a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a
ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was *** and the other an ex-con.
She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
decided to
hire the *** guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house
than the ex-con.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing
very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into
town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired

hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting
for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and
take it
off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as
she
asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by
her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her
eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told
and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly
pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town

again, you're fired."

administrator
20-07-2006, 03:22 PM
AHHH THE ANIMAL WORLD SO FRIENDLY :ebony:

administrator
20-07-2006, 03:28 PM
Warning Your Speeding Causes Other People To Become Fat

administrator
20-07-2006, 04:21 PM
See Thats Why Children Shouldnt Throw Rocks Off The Overpass

administrator
20-07-2006, 04:23 PM
THERE ARE REASONS FOR NO PARKING SIGNS :p

administrator
20-07-2006, 04:26 PM
YOOOO0OOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRR OUT ;frosty;

administrator
20-07-2006, 04:34 PM
I HAD IT ALL GREAT COUNTRY GREAT BEACHES GREAT BUSINESS THEN I WENT TO THE GAS STATION :wave-hi:

administrator
20-07-2006, 04:46 PM
ooh i dont mind the new tail

administrator
20-07-2006, 04:57 PM
You There Boss Cause I Measured The Bloody Runway Correctly what do u think i am a dickhead:(

administrator
20-07-2006, 05:04 PM
if this bugger doesnt start im not paying for it.


Houston i think we have a problem

beem me up scotty

i thought i would have just enough fuel to get home

bush and his fuel embargo

i knew i had a leak

should of changed the spark plug

bigG
20-07-2006, 07:10 PM
BUSY TODAY.............

luv ya work though .thanks for the laugh :laughing: :laughing: ;dealers; :aus-flag: :wave-hi: :laughing:

Shepparton Lawn Care
21-07-2006, 09:35 PM
:aus-flag: There was an Englishman, an Australian( :aus-flag: )and an Irishman, who had just been captured by Sittingbull, and taken back to the Indian camp. SittingBull declared that the three men would be hung at dawn and then taken down, their skins removed and made into ceremonial canoes. SittingBull smoked a special pipe and said to the captives that it was a tradition that he would grant one last wish to each of the captured men before being hung and their skins removed before being made into ceremonial canoes. The Englishmen went first and stated" I wish to make love to one of your indian squaws". The wish was granted. The Australian went next and stated" I 'm gunna make love to every Indian squaw in this entire camp!!". The Wish was granted.The Irishman went last and stated" Arr to be sure to be sure, I'd be liking a fork please!".SittingBull, not sure what the Irishman's wish was all about said"Am I right in saying that you wish for a fork as your last wish on this earth??. "Yes that's what I said, you stupid man!" (To the horror of the entire Indian camp!)So SittingBull(slightly stunned) ordered one of his braves to go and get a fork. On receiving the Fork, The Irishman swung into a Maddening Rage and was last seen and heard Stabbing himself vigorously saying""You'll not make any Ceremonial canoe out of me you stupid Basta**ds!!!!!! :p ;) :p

administrator
26-07-2006, 02:02 PM
THE GIRL'S PRAYER
>
> Our Cash
> Which art on plastic
> Hallowed be thy name
> Thy Cartier watch
> Thy Prada bag
> In Myer as it is in David Jones
> Give us each day our Platinum Visa
> And forgive us our overdraft
> As we forgive those who stoppeth our Mastercard
> And lead us not into Sportsgirl
> And deliver us from Portmans
> For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
> For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
> Amex.
>
>
> :laughing:

administrator
26-07-2006, 02:02 PM
THE BOYS PRAYER
>
> Our beer
> Which art in bottles
> Hallowed by thy sport
> Thy will be drunk
> I will be drunk
> At home as it is in the pub
> Give us each day our daily schooners
> And forgive us our spillage
> As we forgive those who spillest against us
> And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
> And deliver us from Tequila
> For mine is the bitter
> The chicks and the footy
> Forever and ever
> Barmen.
:laughing:

administrator
28-07-2006, 02:30 PM
LOVE IS GRAND A REAL SIGN IN USA

:dean:

Tim from HMS
13-08-2006, 08:28 PM
Who says the bomb disposal squad doesn't have a sense of humour??



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/alyssasmum/image52.jpg

jmk256
15-08-2006, 07:20 PM
What do you mean you didn,t do my @#%&@# edges ?

administrator
17-08-2006, 11:03 AM
Every family has one IS IT YOU

administrator
17-08-2006, 11:05 AM
Pig hunting Northern Oz styLE and they call me a pig

administrator
23-08-2006, 08:54 PM
Idiots

Two idiots drive to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station to anybody who purchases a full tank of gas. When they go inside to pay, the man asks theattendant about the contest.

The attendant says, "If you win, you're entitled to free ***," and the man asks how he can enter the contest. The attendant explains, "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free ***."

So the idiot fills up and asks to play the contest and says, "I Guess 7."

"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replies the attendant.

The next week, the two return to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asks the attendant if the contest is still going on. "Sure," replies the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free ***."

"2," says the idiot.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replies the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As the two idiots are walking back to the car, one idiot says to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," says the other idiot, "My wife won TWICE last week!"

administrator
23-08-2006, 08:59 PM
lolololol HES NOT KIDDING

administrator
29-08-2006, 09:29 AM
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!! OI OI OI!!!

>>>

>>>Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a

>>>Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a

>>>Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American

>>>shows on a Japanese TV.

>>>

>>>Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster

>>>than an ambulance.

>>>

>>>Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the Way

>>>to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy People

>>>can buy cigarettes at the front.

>>>

>>>Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries

>>>and a DIET coke.

>>>

>>>Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens

>>>to the counters.

>>>

>>>Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the

>>>drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

>>>

>>>Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and

>>>then have 'call-waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't

>>>want to talk to in the first place.

>>>

>>>Only in Australia . are there disabled parking places in front of a

>>>skating rink.

>>>

>>>NOT TO MENTION...

>>>

>>>3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

>>>

>>>142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new

>>>shirts.

>>>

>>>58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of

>>>screwdrivers.

>>>

>>>31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while

>>>the fairy lights were plugged in.

>>>

>>>8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit

>>>cigarette in their mouth.

>>>

>>>A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years

>>>after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

>>>

>>>...and finally,

>>>

>>>In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the

>>>toilet.

>>>

>>>

>>>IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOUR SELVE LOL

administrator
29-08-2006, 09:31 AM
John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said,
>> "Peter
> I
>> have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country

>> voters." "Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.

>> "Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone

>> coats, some RM
> Williams
>> boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then

>> we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country

>> pub, we'll show them that we really at home there." "Right PM," said

>> Costello.
>>
>> Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they

>> set
> off
>> from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at

>> just
>> the
>> place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked
in
> with
>> the dog and up to the bar.
>>
>> "G,day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your

>> best beer." "Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender,

>> "two middies of our best coming up".
>>
>> Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and

>> chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a
> drink.
>> The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from

>> the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete

>> with stockwhip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with

>> the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked

>> back to the other bar.
>>
>> A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He
>> walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched
>> his
head

>> and
>> went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so,
> another
>> four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away
>> looking puzzled.
>>
>> Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called

>> the Barman over. "Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old

>> stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an

>> old outback custom?"
>> "Strewth no !" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and
told
>> them that there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"

administrator
06-09-2006, 03:46 PM
Being a marine is easy but these AUSSSSSIES REALLY LIKE THERE BEER

administrator
29-09-2006, 10:25 AM
A Golfing Accident (an oldie but a goodie)


A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
Bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
Golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls
into a Pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted
up the tail, and sure enough, there was a Golfball with my wife's
monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's Butt.

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, This looks
like yours!"

I don't remember much after that.
:aus-flag:

bigG
29-09-2006, 06:07 PM
:) :) :) :who-knows

keepem coming admin

administrator
12-10-2006, 12:09 PM
During the drought a tip on what to do at home

administrator
27-10-2006, 02:01 PM
*An Australian Love Poem
*(Who said Australians weren't romantic!)

Of course I love ya darling

You're a bloody top notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think its very ***y

That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now

The moment that we met

I thought u was as good as

I was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the football's on

And fetch another beer.

administrator
06-03-2007, 09:42 AM
By all Means... MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Bargain Stickers
08-03-2007, 08:56 AM
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil.

"You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, so you can take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good considering the circumstances, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

administrator
23-03-2007, 07:24 PM
The biker and the old lady...


A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't
do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk
home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and an
anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a
couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now
had a
problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.


While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who
told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane.


I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady
suggested,
Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one
hand,put
a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"


Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley.
We'll be
there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said,
I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt,
and ravish me?"


The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two
chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against
the wall and do that?"


The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the
anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens!"

administrator
02-05-2007, 08:55 PM
Don't you just wish this was true :o)


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

administrator
19-06-2007, 09:33 AM
what the bloody hell was that wall built for

Islandhead
19-06-2007, 12:50 PM
An email I received that I thought some of you might like:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with ***ual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer panadol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little
in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Funny but sadly so true ;dealers; ;dealers; ;frosty;

Islandhead
19-06-2007, 03:24 PM
Story by a Man standing in a queue in Coles......... (allegedly)

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pedigree in Coles and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?? :laughing: :laughing:

administrator
26-06-2007, 11:42 AM
Dear Dad letter...


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed as nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum
and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you w! ould not approve of her, because of all her piercing,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love

Your son,

John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home."

NWGL
26-06-2007, 03:03 PM
One day a young man was walking through the forest when he suddenly heard a small voice shout to him "Save me! Save me!".

He went towards the voice, which was coming from a small lilly pad floating in a nearby pond. Once again he heard the voice call out "Save me!". He noticed the voice was coming from a small frog.

Realising that it had caught his attention the frog exclaimed "I'm a beautiful princess and all I need to change back is one kiss...please save me!" So the young man picked up the frog, smiled at it, and put it away in his pocket.

As he was walking along the frog exclaimed again "Save me, save me. I'm a beautiful princess, save me!". The young man took the frog from his pocket, held it up and once again smiled at the frog before placing it back in his pocket.

As the man walked further still the frog repeated its plea "Save me!! Save me!! I'm a beautiful princess, save me!!! All you have to do is kiss me once and I'll change back to my true form - SAVE ME!!". This time, in desperation, the frog added "I'll do whatever you want me to do for a week - just please change me back - I can't stand being a frog anymore - SAVE ME!!!!!"

For the third time the man took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it and placed it back where he had carried it - right in his pocket! At this stage the princess lost her temper. Not only was she miserable that she was still a frog, but her pride had also been hurt that the young man did not want her. She shouted from the man's pocket "What the hell is wrong with you!?!? I tell you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll do anything you want for a week if only you'll kiss me in my present form so I might change back - are you so stupid that you would not trade an instant of kissing a frog for a week with a beautiful princess???? Or don't you believe me when I say I am what I am?"

The young man took the frog from his pocket and replied. "My dear frog, I did not mean to insult you. Nor am I saying that I don't believe you. But you see I am a Landscape Gardener. Landscaping takes up all my time so I have no time left for a girlfriend. A talking frog on the other hand…now that's really neat!"

mowjoman
27-06-2007, 07:40 AM
A bloke is walking his dog through the park one day when he happens across an old man sitting on a bench, head in his hands and crying a river. An overwhelming feeling of sympathy comes over the bloke so he sits beside him, touches him on the shoulder and asks, "Whats wrong ol' mate?" The old man replies, "I'm 85 years old and last week I got married to the most beautiful 22 year old women. All she wants to do is make love to me 3 to 4 times a day.....I dont know what I'm to do". The bloke replies, "Jeez mate cheer up, sounds to me things aren't all bad, why you so upset?" The ol' fella wipes a tear away and says, "I can't remember where I live". :D

NWGL
27-06-2007, 10:43 AM
:laughing: :dean: :laughing:

NWGL
27-06-2007, 04:56 PM
An eight-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is ***?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of sec's."

:rolleyes:

NWGL
12-07-2007, 09:26 AM
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

mowjoman
12-07-2007, 01:31 PM
Righto time for some fun at our American friends expense.....

An Aussie, a Pom and an American are walking along when they happen across a deceased man laying naked on the footpath. A shocking site for anybody however this man in particular passed away quite excited (if you know what I mean) with his member pointing towards the heavens. Being a respectful American Gentleman he took off his cap and placed it over the unfortunate mans bits so as to give him some dignity. The Pom was still however intrigued at the size of what had been covered and took one last peek and said to the Aussie, "Good God that's a big Pr##k," to which the Aussie replied, "What else would you expect to find under an Americans cap." ;frosty;

One more, an oldie but a classic.....

Soon after America put people into space they found that in zero gravity the astronauts couldn't use their pens as the ink didn't flow freely through the nub, so millions of dollars was spent researching a pen that could handle this type of application. The Russiasns however just used a pencil..... :rolleyes: :who-knows

administrator
19-07-2007, 04:34 PM
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took
her to the vet.


We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat." The vet
decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when
we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but
don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was
his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't
see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband
calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' . They love to hate each other and
constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last
word on this particular occasion.


The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting
room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side
door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband
arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now
she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God
only knows who the father is!"
Then he closed the door.



Now THAT is revenge

administrator
20-07-2007, 10:14 PM
QANTAS Airlines : Repair Division

In case you need a laugh : Remember it takes a university degree to fly a plane,
but only a TAFE diploma to fix one

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "Gripe Sheet"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems : document their repairs on the form , and then
pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way , Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal
accident.




P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre

P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S; Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back order

P:Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF Mode
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P:Suspect crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny ............(I love this one !!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up , fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, Sounds like a midgetpounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

administrator
20-07-2007, 10:22 PM
Crime wave security measures in Sheparton Victoria

administrator
20-07-2007, 10:26 PM
hope you can find some time in your busy day to have a laugh. I would like to say these were mine, but my friend passed them on.

Have a great week all











>

> Subject: Fw: Top 4 adult jokes



>>> >> Fourth place



>>> >> A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he

>>> >>does, his elbow goes into her breast.

>>> >> They are both quite startled.

>>> >> The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart

>>> >>is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

>>> >> She replies, "If your pe*is is as hard as your

>>> >>elbow, I'm in room 221."



>>> >>

>>> >> THird place.:

>>> >>

>>> >> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the

>>> >>husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

>>> >> The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've

>>> >>got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

>>> >> The husband, rejected, turns over.

>>> >> A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his

>>> >>wife again.

>>> >> "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"



>>> >> Runner Up:

>>> >>

>>> >> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been

>>> >>employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to

>>> >>confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an

>>> >>urge to stick his pe*is into the pickle slicer.

>>> >> His wife suggested that he should see a ***

>>> >>therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too

>>> >>embarrassed.

>>> >> He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

>>> >> One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his

>>> >>wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

>>> >> "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

>>> >> "Do you remember that I told you how I had this

>>> >>tremendous urge to put my pe*is into the pickle slicer?"

>>> >> "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

>>> >> "Yes, I did." he replied.

>>> >> "My God, Bill, what happened?"

>>> >> "I got fired."

>>> >> "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle

>>> >>slicer?"

>>> >> "Oh...she got fired too."



>>> >> Winner:

>>> >> A couple had been married for 50 years.

>>> >> They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning

>>> >>when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting

>>> >>here at this breakfast table together."

>>> >> "I know," the old man said. "We were probably

>>> >>sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

>>> >> "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old

>>> >>times."

>>> >> Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down

>>> >>at the table.

>>> >> "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly

>>> >>replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty

>>> >>years ago."

>>> >> "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

>>> >> "One's in your coffee and the other is in your

>>> >>oatmeal."

___________________________________

administrator
23-07-2007, 09:35 PM
An atheist was walking through the woods.
>
>
>
>
>
> 'What majestic trees'!
>
>
>
> 'What powerful rivers'!
>
>
>
> 'What beautiful animals'!
>
>
>
> He said to himself.
>
> As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
> behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
> He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw
> that the bear was closing in on him.
>
>
>
>
> He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped
> & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the
> bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising
> his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh
> my God!'
>
>
>
>
> Time stopped.
> The bear froze.
> The forest was silent.
>
> As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You
> deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even
> credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
> this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
>
>
>
>
> The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of
> me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You
> could make the BEAR a Christian?'
>
> 'Very well,' said the voice.
>
> The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
> his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
>
>
>
>
> 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
> Christ our Lord, Amen.'

chaplain
23-07-2007, 09:39 PM
Couldnt resist this one

i was cleaning my John deere tractor and these ferrals came out the bush :laughing:

can you see how clean the jd is

Eastwood
24-07-2007, 08:01 AM
After seeing this post I immediatly ran out and cleaned my jd but didn't find any of these beauties

NWGL
24-07-2007, 06:15 PM
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

:laughing: :rolleyes:

Mrs HMS
25-07-2007, 06:32 PM
Who's on First? - the modern version.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

kakegc
26-07-2007, 08:28 AM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :clap: :clap: :clap: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: Good one Joanne!

mowjoman
26-07-2007, 07:19 PM
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She leaves a note for her milkman to leave her 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt sure that there must be some mistake. He thought she must of meant 2.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
When the blonde came to the door the milkman said, "Sorry did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde replied, "No no I want 25 gallons, I'm going to fill my bath tub and have a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman said, "Oh no worries, would you like it pasteurized?" To which the blonde replied, "No just past me tits, I can just splash it on my face." :i dunno:
:laughing: :laughing: ;frosty;

kakegc
27-07-2007, 07:52 AM
The same blonde went to a mechanic & said she needed a new 017 for her car. Puzzled, the mechanic said he'd never heard of an 017. The blonde got cross & said, "you know, the 017 on the top of the engine, mine's missing" The mechanic asked her to show him & she lifted the bonnet & pointed, "there she said, my 017 is missing", as she pointed to the missing OIL filler cap! :D

NWGL
09-08-2007, 10:28 AM
President Bush was receiving his daily briefing from his defence secretary, who concluded: "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Bush, who held his head in his hands in a show of emotion which startled his staff.

Finally the president looked up and asked: "Just how many is a brazillion?"

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

kakegc
09-08-2007, 07:36 PM
President Bush was receiving his daily briefing from his defence secretary, who concluded: "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Bush, who held his head in his hands in a show of emotion which startled his staff.

Finally the president looked up and asked: "Just how many is a brazillion?"

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

lololololololololol!!!!!!
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :clap:

cadase
09-08-2007, 08:14 PM
President Bush was receiving his daily briefing from his defence secretary, who concluded: "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Bush, who held his head in his hands in a show of emotion which startled his staff.

Finally the president looked up and asked: "Just how many is a brazillion?"

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

I heard Barbara Bush has a Brazillion :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

kakegc
10-08-2007, 08:31 PM
Someone told me that she has a G string too, but apparently she doesn't even play guitar! :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

ian
04-09-2007, 10:18 PM
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

ian
07-09-2007, 11:36 PM
This joke may not travel well. Think Kiwi's moving to Oz to get on our excellent unemployment scheme etc

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar in Bondi is a huge Kiwi bloke 6ft 5 and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously *** man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the *** man finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big New Zealander.

Leaning over towards the Kiwi he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this the massive Kiwi leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say to you?"

I'm not sure", the big Kiwi replies, "something about a job

ian
14-09-2007, 04:32 PM
Just Fred
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
So he asks the biker his name."Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the
Biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells himThat he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has
A nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how
Did you lose your last name?"The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with Me."
I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to > school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so > then I as Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant > and she gave me VD."
"So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
The VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
"Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing...

ian
15-09-2007, 06:19 PM
Recently, a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in ferntree gully. At last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so drunk he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer observing. After what seemed like an eternity, he tried his keys in 5 different cars finally finding his own car and falling into it. He sat there for several minutes as a number of other patrons got into their cars and left. Finally he started his car, switched the wipers on and off, even though it was a warm dry night, flicked the flashers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle ahead a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still while a few more cars left the parking lot. At last, when he was the only car left in the lot he pulled out and slowly drove off down the road.
The officer, having waited all this time pulled out behind the apparently drunk driver and turned on his red lights, promptly pulling the driver over.
The officer the administered a breathalyser test to the man and to the officers surprise, it showed no evidence of alcohol consumption at all! "I'll have to take you down to the station" the officer said, "this breathalyser is broken."
"I doubt it" said the proud man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

ian
18-09-2007, 11:08 PM
Caught in the Act
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and quite dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three whole days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the ***y blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Lancat
19-09-2007, 01:17 AM
One of my lovely customers SMS’ed these to me the other day


Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn


Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odours, and don't work half the time.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house

administrator
19-09-2007, 09:11 AM
MEN ARE LIKE HONDA MOWERS START FIRST TIME EVERY TIME :ebony:

ian
19-09-2007, 08:49 PM
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8 a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back

Hugh Jarss
23-09-2007, 01:16 AM
A guy was wandering round his house with a fly swatter and his wife asked him if he had killed any. Yes, he said... two males and three females... rubbish, she said, how could you possibly tell their gender ?
Easy, he said, two were on a beercan and three were on the phone....

mowjoman
23-09-2007, 08:15 AM
An Irish tourist is holidaying on the Gold Coast and is in awe at the beauty of the women on the pristine beaches. He tries to sweet talk some but is met with uninterest from the ladies. He spots a life guard who seems to do pretty well with the ladies so he asks for some advice. Life Guard tells him to go and buy a pair of Speedo's and put a potato down them and he'll be irresistable. So the next day the little fella rolls up to the beach in the smallest pair of budgie smugglers he could find complete with potato. To his dissapointment he is met with disgust and jeers from the beautiful women at the beach so he goes to his life guard mate to find out what he's doing wrong. Life Guard says," Mate you gotta put the potato down the FRONT of you pants!!!" :dean:

mowjoman
23-09-2007, 08:28 AM
A fella and his wife are driving along when a cop pulls them over for speeding. The bloke says to his wife,"Now you just sit quietly and let me do all the talking." The polilceman asks the bloke if there is any reason he was speeding to which he replies emphatically,"I can assure you there must be something wrong with your radar gun mate, there is no way I was speeding!" His wife leans across and says to the officer," He's lying Officer I've been on his back for the last 50k's to slow down, he's always speeding." With this the bloke lets fly with every derogatory remark known towards his wife and calls her every name in the book. The wife then leans over again and says,"He wasn't wearing his seat belt either officer, he quickly put it on when you pulled us over. Again the fella lets go with a torrid of abuse towards his wife. Amazed the cop asks his wife,"Does he always talk to you this way?" The wife says, " Nah not always.....only when he's pissed." :dean: :dean: :dean:

NWGL
25-09-2007, 10:37 PM
A fella and his wife are driving along when a cop pulls them over for speeding. The bloke says to his wife,"Now you just sit quietly and let me do all the talking." The polilceman asks the bloke if there is any reason he was speeding to which he replies emphatically,"I can assure you there must be something wrong with your radar gun mate, there is no way I was speeding!" His wife leans across and says to the officer," He's lying Officer I've been on his back for the last 50k's to slow down, he's always speeding." With this the bloke lets fly with every derogatory remark known towards his wife and calls her every name in the book. The wife then leans over again and says,"He wasn't wearing his seat belt either officer, he quickly put it on when you pulled us over. Again the fella lets go with a torrid of abuse towards his wife. Amazed the cop asks his wife,"Does he always talk to you this way?" The wife says, " Nah not always.....only when he's pissed." :dean: :dean: :dean:


Love it !! :laughing:

heggie
28-09-2007, 05:37 PM
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal
and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a
long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone
tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked,
"Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him
and continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren't
you Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, even
turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's
arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me
-- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying
****! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming
the desert for 40 years!"

Hugh Jarss
28-09-2007, 09:15 PM
What's the hardest thing to get off a naked woman ?


A naked man....

ian
01-10-2007, 12:39 AM
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having
a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

ian
01-10-2007, 10:41 PM
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.
Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My god !" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

lawn order
04-10-2007, 10:59 PM
Econemy flights, you meet them all, and their troubles.
Whatasamatta with people - hah?
wattasamatta! Cabramatta! Parramatta! Who cares - I'm jet lagged.
And he droned on.
When I was 20 I rescued two young girls from the flooded river,
Do they call me Geuseppi the life saver -- NO!
When I was 30 I designed the best bridge in the world.
Do they call me Geuseppi the engineer -- NO!
When I was 40 I paid for and built an orphanage.
Do they call me Geuseppi the benevolent -- NO!
When I was 50 I became a politician.
Do they call me Geuseppi the statesman-- NO!
But get caught screwing just one pig -****

mowjoman
06-10-2007, 05:14 PM
A bloke and his wife decide to add a bit of spice to their love life so the wife buys an assortment of coloured condoms. She asks her husband which colour he'd like to try first. He says he'd like to go with the gold one. She replies snidely, "Why dont you go with silver and come second for a change". :dean: :who-knows

administrator
09-10-2007, 03:23 PM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on asnowy, cold Monday
>morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars aretotally demolished but
>amazingly neither of them are hurt. Godworks in mysterious ways.After they
>crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....aboutwomen drivers; the
>woman says, "So you're a man. That'sinteresting. I'm a woman. Wow, just
>look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a
>sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace

>for the rest ofour days".Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with
>you completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at
>fault..women shouldn't be allowed to drive.The woman continues, "And look
>at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
>bottle of wine didn'tbreak. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
>celebrate ourgood fortune."Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man
>nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and
>thenhands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately

>puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, "Aren't
>you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
>police...." MORAL OF THE STORY: Women
>are clever, evil *****es. Don't mess with us.

NWGL
09-10-2007, 09:25 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens !!".

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

administrator
10-10-2007, 07:53 PM
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a
>subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered

>with red lipstick,
>
>and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
>
>
>He opened his newspaper and began reading.
>
>
>After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
>
>"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
>
>
>The priest replies,
>
> "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too

>much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
>prostitutes and lack of a bath."
>
>
>The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to
>his paper.
>
>
>The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

>"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
>arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
>
>
>I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
>
> Regards Mike
>

heggie
11-10-2007, 02:56 PM
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

heggie
11-10-2007, 03:26 PM
To start the day rightly:
Instructions

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "George W. Bush".
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"
6. Answer calmly "Yes" pressing firmly on the mouse's button.

bb1
12-10-2007, 08:02 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

mowjoman
16-10-2007, 06:49 PM
A bloke came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded the bloke,

"and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

The poor fella was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!!

That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

The bloke was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies the new hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies the bloke

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

"Oi, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*tting the bed" :laughing: :laughing: :dean:

dan1312
16-10-2007, 09:31 PM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:thats a beauty!!!!!

mowjoman
17-10-2007, 07:49 AM
An armish bloke and his son visit a city for the first time and are in wonder of all the sites they've never seen before. They enter an office building foyer and all thats in the room is two shinny walls beside each other. They both are scratching their heads wondering what the purpose of these walls are when an extreamley large lady walks up to the two doors and presses a button next to them. The walls open and the lady walks into the tiny room on the other side of them. Before they close again the Armish bloke notices that she looks like she'd fallen from an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. When the doors close they notice that a set of numbers on top of the walls lights up in sequencial order, pauses then start to light up again in the opposite sequence. Suddenly the walls open again and a beautiful blonde lady exits from the little room on the other side. The Armish guy quickly and enthusiastically says to his son, "Quick boy, go and get your mother!" :frightene

Mrs HMS
26-10-2007, 07:46 PM
The Curry Contest

For those of you who have lived in New Delhi, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****ed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

NWGL
27-10-2007, 12:33 AM
Still LMAO :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :clap:

bb1
28-10-2007, 05:40 PM
Good Medical Info

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and obtained a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
>
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
>
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
>
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"?
>
The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
:) :) :) :who-knows :who-knows :russ:

NWGL
10-11-2007, 10:35 AM
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

NWGL
10-11-2007, 10:39 AM
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

administrator
19-11-2007, 01:21 PM
Happy Marriage



A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple" The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."


"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.


I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you f*ckin crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.

mowjoman
19-11-2007, 11:28 PM
A bit long winded but worth it.....


A couple put up an add for a border to occupy an empty room in their house to make a bit of extra money. An 18 year old girl applies and seems to fit the bill so they offer the room to her. The wife is quick however to point out that they dont have a bathroom so she will have to bath in an old tin in front of the fire place, my husband plays darts every Monday night so you can enjoy a bath on those nights if you like.
She agrees that thats fine. Come Monday night the husband goes off to darts and the wife prepares a hot bath for the young lady in front of the fire. While the girl is disrobing the wife sees that the girl has no "grass on the paddock" so to speak. She's shocked by this and is quick to tell her husband when he comes home. The husband doesnt believe his wife so she says well next Monday I'll leave the curtain opened a crack so you can see for yourself.
As promised the wife does this when Monday night comes around and the girl is just about to lower herself into the bath when the wife says to her, "I noticed you dont have any hair on your nether regions my dear" to which the girl replies, "No I never have, why do you?" The wife says god yes and quickly pulls her dress up revealling her unmanicured mass.....
When the husband comes home his wife asks him, "Well see I told you didnt I" the husband says well yes you did but why on earth did you have to show YOURSELF to her??? "Whats the bloody difference, you've seen it before" Husband says "Yeah I have but the f*#ckn darts team hadn't!!!!!"

mowjoman
19-11-2007, 11:35 PM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

administrator
20-11-2007, 02:08 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqLvBUSJucg&feature=related


George bush is funny
Takes time to restore kaos

is george bush an idiot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whhbPVrb5KM&feature=related

administrator
07-12-2007, 11:41 PM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
> > take the words back...
> >
> > Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
> >
> >
> >
> > FIRST TESTIMONY:
> >
> > I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
> > three kids in tow and asked loudly,
> > "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * b?"
> > I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
> > My husband didn't say a word.. he knew better.
> >
> >
> >
> > SECOND TESTIMONY:
> > I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
> > balls.
> > I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
> > After browsing for several minutes,
> > I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
> > who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
> > Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,
> > "I think I like playing with men's balls."
> >
> >
> >
> > THIRD TESTIMONY:
> >
> > My sister and I were at the mall and
> > passed by a store that sold a
> > variety of candy and nuts.
> > As we were looking at the display case,
> > the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
> > I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
> > My sister started to laugh hysterically.
> > The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
> > To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
> >
> >
> >
> > FOURTH TESTIMONY :
> >
> > While in line at the bank one afternoon,my toddler decided
> > to release
> > some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
> > grab hold of
> > her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
> > other patrons.
> > I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"
> > she would be punished.
> > To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
> > just as threatening,
> > "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
> > I saw you
> > kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
> > The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
> > Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
> > I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the
> > bank with my daughter in tow.
> > The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me,were
> > screams of laughter.
> >
> >
> >
> > FIFTH TESTIMONY:
> >
> > Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
> > My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
> > training
> > and I was on him constantly.
> > One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
> > between errands.
> > It was very busy, with a full dining room.
> > While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,so of
> > course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
> > and she was clean.
> > Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a
> > while.
> > I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
> > I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
> > and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
> >
> > Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
> > accident?"
> > "No," he replied.
> > I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,because the
> > smell was getting worse.
> > So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
> > accident?"
> > This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,bent over,
> > spread his cheeks and yelled
> > "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
> >
> > While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
> > laughing,
> > he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
> >
> > An older couple made me feel better,thanking me for the
> > best laugh they'd ever had!
> >
> >
> >
> > LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
> >
> > This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
> > days
> > and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
> > in the future, likely think before she speaks.
> > What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
> > We had a female news anchor who,
> > the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
> > turned to the weatherman and asked:
> > "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
> > night?"
> > Not only did HE have to leave the set,
> > but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
> >
> >
> >
> > Now, didn't that feel good?
> >
> > Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,and
> > remember...
> >
> > we all say things we don't really mean,so think before you
> > speak.
>

lawn order
05-01-2008, 09:49 PM
I met a bloke walking along the beach with one thong.
LOSE A THONG MATE?
Nah! I just found one.

mowjoman
08-01-2008, 10:17 AM
Classic.....

NWGL
24-01-2008, 11:48 PM
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but when another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest room by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

mowjoman
25-01-2008, 06:39 AM
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :frightene

Mrs HMS
25-01-2008, 06:03 PM
A blonde walks by an electronic store when she notices a TV in the front window. She needed a new TV, it had lots of buttons, looked nice and was selling for $216.

So she goes in and asked for the TV in the front window but the salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

So she just stormed out. She really wanted this TV so overnight, she dyed her hair red. She came in and asked for the TV in the front window. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." came the reply.

By this time she was desperate so she goes home and shaves off her hair. She goes in and asks for the TV in the front window but the salesman just goes, 'We don't sell to blondes.'

'How do you know I'm a blonde. I dyed my hair red, and then I even shaved it off, and you still know I'm a blonde. HOW?"

"We only have microwaves in the front window."

Mrs HMS
25-01-2008, 08:48 PM
No longer is it necessary to "up there" without one!!!!

<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v245/alyssasmum/?action=view&current=SCrk.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/alyssasmum/SCrk.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

JJR
25-01-2008, 11:11 PM
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the rich man said.
'But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.'

'Bring them all, as well,' the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich gent and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The rich man replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'

JJR
25-01-2008, 11:18 PM
God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns
GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in Aus? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

®
ST. FRANCIS: You' d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

ian
28-01-2008, 04:12 PM
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long
been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving
couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America,"
explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took
a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too
far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife
looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver
from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?" She looked at ME, and
quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment....."we have lived happily every after

administrator
06-02-2008, 08:45 AM
Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6,000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah........and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus.............. after all, she stuck by me durin' the Drought...

mowjoman
07-02-2008, 07:06 AM
Now heres a plumber with a sense of humour

lawn order
10-02-2008, 10:46 PM
2 blondes standing on different river banks 1xNSW - 1xVic
NSW blond "How do you get over to the other side?
Vic blond "You're already there"

baz
13-02-2008, 11:39 AM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...?
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer??

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding?

Older Woman: Oh, I see?

Officer: Can I see your license please??

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one?

Officer: Don't have one??

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving?

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that?

Officer: Why not??

Older Woman: I stole this car?

Officer: Stole it??

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner?

Officer: You what??

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see?

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun?

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle?

Older woman: Is there a problem sir??

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner?

Older Woman: Murdered the owner??

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk?

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am??

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers?
The officer is quite stunned?

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license?

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer?

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled?

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner?

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too?





Don't Mess With Old Ladies?
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.?




I just did!


:laughing:

kakegc
13-02-2008, 04:17 PM
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our
glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,"
he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate,
in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need
to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the
same ones twice.

heggie
13-02-2008, 05:22 PM
Maori Technology



"After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, Australian scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."

One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua (Maori elder), reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless."

NWGL
18-02-2008, 05:27 PM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

mowjoman
20-02-2008, 06:47 AM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

mowjoman
20-02-2008, 07:01 AM
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at ***.

'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the *** god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a *** freak?

'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.

'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!'... :russ:

kakegc
20-02-2008, 01:29 PM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :sad: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :clap: :clap: :clap:

NWGL
07-03-2008, 06:58 PM
Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese


That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

mowjoman
12-03-2008, 08:48 PM
This is why blokes dont pick the wedding cake...Hee hee hee... :ebony:

ian
13-03-2008, 05:33 PM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When Saint Peter shows up, they asked him.
Saint Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple
.
"OH, COME ON!!" Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Mrs HMS
15-03-2008, 07:46 PM
You know you're Australian if....

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".

15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".

35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

ian
27-03-2008, 05:57 PM
Q: What did the scot's father say when his son asked him for twenty dollars? A: "Fifteen dollars? What do you need ten dollars for?

ian
27-03-2008, 05:59 PM
A blond bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

ian
27-03-2008, 06:07 PM
A black and a white man bought a rock house next to each other. After a week, Chris (the white one) paints his house pink, so that It is different than Ron’s (the black guy). So Ron does that as well. The next day, Chris, made a fence around it and paints it white, so the black guy does it as well. After a year, Chris gets a bit pissed off and decides to sell the house. So he made one of those boards saying „FOR SALE – $1.000.000 . The following day Rod makes the same board but his price was $2.000.000 . So Chris was now really upset and decided to ask his neighbor:
- „Say, Rod, why is your trashy house more expensive than mine?
- Black guy: “Cuz you have a black neighbor, mine’s white.“

lawn order
27-03-2008, 10:38 PM
Dinkum.
The other day I was asked for a quote.
Went to the address and quoted - $55 "You have got the job, my name is Mr Neasan but you
can call me Hans."
I said "Hans Neasan? - boomsidaisy.
He said passoff!
HAAaah! - you win some - you loose some.

lawn order
29-03-2008, 08:23 PM
the worlds quickest joke.

"A FUR SEAL WALKS INTO A CLUB!"

lawn order
30-03-2008, 07:54 PM
His brother walked into a bar!

ian
30-03-2008, 11:45 PM
CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . . in no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,
she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.Shocked,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

ian
06-04-2008, 10:27 AM
just noticed one of my other posts was deleted on another thread so will try on here
why are there no racist white jokes
answer 1: it's bad enough being white with out joking about it
answer 2: you shouldn't joke about those less fortunate than yourself

twin_cities_lawncare
06-04-2008, 10:33 AM
I'm thinking a lot of the posts from the general section belong here...

PESTIE
06-04-2008, 06:15 PM
there is only one joke on this site and thats Ian he is a joke on other lawn care sites as well

ian
06-04-2008, 09:33 PM
and once again another personal insult with no references to back up the assertions but it is nice to see the new members are posting

haireyscarie
06-04-2008, 09:44 PM
and once again another personal insult with no references to back up the assertions but it is nice to see the new members are posting
lol
poor ian

ian
06-04-2008, 10:11 PM
i see another attempt at a personal insult by trying to imply that i'm so ineffectual and incompetent at my chosen profession that i can't earn enough money to be anything but poor.

Islandhead
06-04-2008, 10:37 PM
Professional, affluent, wind up merchant who honestly thinks he's funny ian? :laughing:

Dude, seriously... if you act like you do.. what do you expect?

mowjoman
07-04-2008, 12:00 AM
FFS!!!
Maybe there should be a titled thread specially for ya mate so as to keep others free from ya S*I* ;dealers;
Lawn Maintenence
Buisness chat
Ian
Landscape forum
Giddy up!!

twin_cities_lawncare
07-04-2008, 12:22 AM
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:

You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You don't water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.

ian
07-04-2008, 06:01 PM
so people break the forum rules by making personal insults and when i point out that they are doing so i get more personal insults and obviously the admin just doesn't give a **** well the truth is nether do i

Shepparton Lawn Care
07-04-2008, 09:32 PM
Ian, maybe if you feel that way, it may be time to find a new hobby else where and let everyone else on the forum use it for the way it is was intended to be used... To share Mowing experiences, ask mowing,business questions and to learn from each other. Kind Regards, SimonSLC

lawn order
08-04-2008, 10:00 PM
Ian, forget the stirr mate, to distract your detractors come out with some A1 info or any clever post. the tide always turns.
While I'm on your page the pressure is off you - only too glad to assist.
By the way as per being the Supreme being, Maybe that's a bit Uppity.
I mean I havn't heard your rendition of "Baby Love" or
"Ain't no mountain high enough"
But- and no buts about it Dianna Ross's version of "Love Child" is the Supreme Supremes supremecy of a MOtown symphony.
Stay with it kid! Yuo're on track.

Islandhead
09-04-2008, 03:38 PM
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, How did you lose your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.” :wave-hi:

Mrs HMS
10-04-2008, 11:55 AM
A farmer owned a small farm in the backblocks of Golden Bay.

The Labour Department heard he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an inspector out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the inspector. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free food and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free food and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit,' says the inspector.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

administrator
11-04-2008, 08:14 PM
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.

While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...

''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful,

Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, 'I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you

know...''Double Income, No Kids Yet. '

The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you

know...''Rich, Urban, Biker. '

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you

know...'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What

are you?''

She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know...

Wash, Iron, Fark, Etc.''

NWGL
16-04-2008, 11:10 PM
The Nicobate Patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's pen!s and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your pen!s.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.' :rolleyes:

Islandhead
18-04-2008, 11:07 AM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father
in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep **** . :russ:

NWGL
19-04-2008, 09:39 AM
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

lawn order
27-04-2008, 11:01 PM
Little Johnnie is sitting at the back of the class in Primary school.
The teacher asks the students a question,

Little Wendy – what did you have for breakfast that was healthy?
I had muesli Miss Schmidt.
Very good little Wendy
Little Henry – what did you have for breakfast that was healthy?
I had yoghurt Miss Schmidt
Very good little Henry
Little Jenny – what did you have for breakfast that was healthy?
I had toasted wholemeal muffins and honey.
Very good little Jenny
Little Johnnie – what did you have for breakfast that was healthy?
I had effall Miss Schmidt.
You disgusting little boy – get yourself and your foul mouth down
to the headmaster’s office for punishment.
Half an hour later and six of the best little Johnnie sulks back into
Miss Schmidt’s Class.
Sit down Little Johnnie. While you were out of the room the class
Has been learning Geography. We covered Victoria and NSW and
now we are about to learn all about QLD.
“Class – who can tell me where the Queensland boarder is?”
Only little Johnnie has his hand up.
Miss Schmidt decides to give him another chance.
OK little Johnnie – where is the Queensland border?
In bed with me Mum – and that’s why I got efall for breakfast!

Mrs HMS
03-05-2008, 09:57 PM
To any of you who may well be like this bloke and thinking of buying their wife a pocket style Taser for her protection, and just might let curiosity get the better of commonsense, then Read This First !!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dip$hit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-B*TCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I $hit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

NWGL
06-05-2008, 08:35 PM
A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

lawn order
06-05-2008, 11:41 PM
I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it.
Got it!
Wet eyes and pants. Rippa yarn New Gal.

Islandhead
11-05-2008, 01:50 PM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

administrator
20-05-2008, 11:54 PM
Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, and then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy fainted!



Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

administrator
21-05-2008, 12:19 AM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER



Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, He Uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the Years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, Although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.



Stupid, stupid man.

administrator
21-05-2008, 12:25 AM
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him ***."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, '**** the Vicar'

administrator
21-05-2008, 12:28 AM
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry,
I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
countryside, I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home. On my way,
I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured
that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached
home.&n bsp; So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it,
I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for
dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to
my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as
he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while
my husband was out of the room, I seized the opportunity,
shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only
loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulp wood mill. I took my napkin from
my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.


When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my
husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me
if I had peeked through the blindfold and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted

Bgs
21-05-2008, 07:03 AM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: ahh you've gotta love a gold old fashioned fart joke

administrator
21-05-2008, 02:52 PM
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van. "So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.



"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Hustler
22-05-2008, 06:46 PM
Subject: FW: Rrriiinnnnggg rrriiiinnnnngg


**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mummy near the phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause..

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**



**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****


*****Longer Pause*****


*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**



**'Swimming pool? ...........**




**Is this 486-5731?'*




**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

mowjoman
22-05-2008, 10:36 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were faithful
and loving wives......however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls finished they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that read, "From all of us at the Ambulance Station. ...... We'll never forget you."

administrator
23-05-2008, 11:37 AM
The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees


Ees



Ees



Eees a Ham Bush.

Hustler
23-05-2008, 04:56 PM
Elton john goes to a tattoo artist and asks for a tattoo of a rollsroyce on his dick but the tattooist said you would be better with a landrover as you go through so much -hit

Bgs
23-05-2008, 05:32 PM
Elton john goes to a tattoo artist and asks for a tattoo of a rollsroyce on his dick but the tattooist said you would be better with a landrover as you go through so much -hit

dude not cool
:frightene

Hustler
23-05-2008, 07:21 PM
are you a boring old fart

Bgs
23-05-2008, 07:34 PM
are you a boring old fart

yes ;frosty;

Hustler
23-05-2008, 07:49 PM
no place for boring old farts here even admin laughed at this joke when i spoke to him so get a life have another stubbie

Bgs
23-05-2008, 07:56 PM
Another stubie is a great idea cheers, it might even help me remove the mental image i got from your joke lol

mowjoman
24-05-2008, 10:45 AM
More fun at Eltons expense.....
Elton John, Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams are walking across the Sydney harbour Bridge when Kylie drops her moblie phone.....
When she bends to pick it up her big head (because she has a big head the poor girl...dunno if I'd take a million bucks or her head stuffed full of fivers...anyway).....
With her head stuck and Robbie Williams being the way he is he decides to take advantage of the situation and starts having his way with poor ol' Kylie there and then. When he finished he took a step back and said to Elton, "Whadoya reckon mate...up for a go?"
Elton says, " Love to but I dont think my head'll fit through the rails"

mowjoman
29-05-2008, 06:46 AM
Mwahahahahahahaha!!

Mrs HMS
30-05-2008, 06:25 PM
LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me....'You lazy pr*ck! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your ar*e and give her a break!'

I thought 'Sh*t! ... Women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms 'Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'.

After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.

I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below]







http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/alyssasmum/RIDEON.jpg

I'M TOO BLO*DY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT.

mowjoman
31-05-2008, 07:13 AM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

NWGL
31-05-2008, 06:04 PM
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Oh man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............








NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

lifestyle
31-05-2008, 06:36 PM
Boom! Boom! :)

administrator
06-06-2008, 11:44 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
Their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe,
Look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
Speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it
Appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , and we are s mall and
Insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
Day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole tent.'

administrator
11-06-2008, 09:57 PM
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

administrator
13-06-2008, 09:22 AM
Know You Will Like These!
True Stories!!

Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A
Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.
************************************************** ****

A Boy Asks His Granny, "have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?"
Granny Replies, "f... The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!"
************************************************** ****
Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.
Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, "dad, What's Love Juice?"
Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About ***.
Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement.
Dad Says, "so What Were You Watching?"
Billy Says, "wimbledon!"
************************************************** ****
A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror,
Says To Her Husband, "i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment."
He Replies, "your Eyesight Is Perfect!"
************************************************** ****
Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, "what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My
s exy Body?"
Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, "your F...in' Sense Of Humour!"

lawn order
17-06-2008, 12:11 AM
QM = Quasi Modo
A1 = Applicant 1
FC = Frog Copper


The Hunchback of Notre Dame Cathedral - Quasi Modo - has been working hard non-stop for six years. He decides he needs a holiday, but he needs to hire a temp bell- ringer for the period of his holidays.
He puts an ad into the local paper.
Wanted : Relieving Campanologist for 2 weeks – Good pay & etc.
Week 1 = no reply
Week 2 = no reply
So he tries a new ad.
Wanted : Relieving Bell Ringer for 2 weeks – Good pay & etc.
Week 3 = no reply
So he tries a new ad.
Wanted : Relieving Bell Ringer for 2 weeks – Good etc & pay.
The next day nobody turns up till 4:00pm.
Applicant #1 is a double amputee
QM What do you want?
A1 The bell ringers job
QM How do you expect to ring the bells – you haven’t got any arms.
A1 In this day of equal opportunity you’ve got to give me a go.
QM OK – smart arms – let’s see if you can ring the big bell
A1 OK – And with that he takes 3 steps back, then runs flat out and launches
Himself at the bell. At the last second he dips his head and hits the cast iron
bell full on with his forehead.
GONGGG!!!
QM Sensational… Now try the middle-sized bell!
A1 Repeats his first effort
GONGG!!
QM Brilliant … Now if you can ring the little bell the job’s yours.
A1 Steps back – runs – and launches.
And misses.
His momentum takes him out the window – over the parapet and he bounces off the Gargoyles to land on the cobblestones of the Cathedral’s front steps.
QM Lurches down the stairs and arrives at the front door to find a Gendarme standing over the broken corpse of A1
FC Ullo – Ullo – Ullo – do you know who this is then?

QM I do not Know ‘is name – but ‘is face rings a bell!!

lawn order
17-06-2008, 10:26 PM
SO:-
A2 = Applicant number 2

QM resubmits his ad for a new bell ringer.
This time he has an instant reply.
If QM had doubts about the A1 enquirer then they pale to insignificance with A2.
This bloke makes Steven Dawkins look like a contender for the Gymnastic Olympic
Gold Medal podium.

QM You look similar, but less able, than the last applicant.

A2 Yeah, he was my brother – he always had the luck.

QM I’m sorry but you’re wasting our time; this job requires certain
physical abilities, which you do not possess. Namely no bloody arms and no bloody legs. At least your brother had his legs to launch himself.

A2 So you won’t even give me a chance then?

QM OK – have a go at it – start with the big bell.

A2 Thanks – you won’t regret this. Away he goes, an egg with stumps in each corner rocketing his wheelchair towards the bell and at the crucial moment he prods a leg-stump into the left-hand spokes
Launch - - a perfect DONGGG!!!

QM Whale Oil Beef Hooked – he did it! OK now try the middle bell.

A2 Repeats the performance – this time using the other leg-stump into the right-hand wheel. DONGG!

QM “Stoked, now complete the trifecta and the job is yours and Holidays are mine”

A2 A Valliant attempt - but alas with shaven stumps, warped spokes blood-soaked tyres – a well-timed stop was not an option.

QM Lurches down the stairs again and arrives at the front door to find the same Gendarme standing over the shattered corpse of A2

FC Ullo – Ullo – Ullo – do you know who this one is then?

QM I do not Know ‘is name – but ‘e sure is a dead ringer for ‘is brother!

lawn order
17-06-2008, 10:31 PM
C'mon - How bad do they have to get to stir youse up.

mowjoman
18-06-2008, 08:33 AM
Anger Management.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an a***hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a***hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a***hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a***hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a***hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a***hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a***hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a***hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a***holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called A***hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A***hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a***hole," and hung up.

Then I called A***hole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a***hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a**rse," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a***hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my *** lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a***holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works

administrator
18-06-2008, 03:47 PM
When I got home last night, my wife demanded
that I take her out to some place expensive...











So, I took her to a PETROL STATION!

mowjoman
18-06-2008, 04:17 PM
A fella calls his wife from work at lunch time and exitedly says, "WE'VE WON LOTTO...WE'VE WON LOTTO!!!"
"Christ how much?"
"4 million...start packing my dear...start packing"
"What sould I pack are we going to the sand or snow?"
Hubby replies, "Don't give a sh*t...just be gone by the time I get home." ;frosty;

lawn order
18-06-2008, 10:40 PM
Blue and me had had had a couple of quiet ones and were walking home.
We rounded the corner just before Blue's place and saw a giant Alsatian sitting in Blues driveway left leg upstreatched and licking his nuts.
Blue - "Struth - I wish I could do that!"
Me - "Well you'd better Pat him first or else he might bite ya!"

mowjoman
19-06-2008, 08:05 AM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

NWGL
19-06-2008, 06:11 PM
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll just have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops

lifestyle
19-06-2008, 06:43 PM
Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (Hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Forbes Show and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result.

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know any Pulliticians called Gordon?

tree beard
19-06-2008, 09:04 PM
so a wifes birthday is coming up and it is one of those big ones that ends in a zero! Of late she has felt the need to express herself and nothing like a little red porsche to make that Im not getting old statement

So knowing that her dearly beloved will want to spoil her she starts laying the ground work for her present. After all she is worth it and men really do have to be lead in these matters. Brochures are left around the house, magazines open at the appropriate page.

So with the conviction of a woman loved, when the question of her birthday and present are mentioned she says she would be happy with some thing red that does o to 100 in three seconds. The husband nodds and winks and her heart soars with joy as she knows he truly got the message.

The big day arrives and before she can even get out of bed her husband hands her a box neatly wrapped with a big bow on it and gives her a peck on the cheek.

Happy birthday honey, it took a while but I got you what you wanted he says with a smile

Perplexed and guessing that the keys and owners manual are inside she ripps into her present.


Inside a set of red bathroom scales

lifestyle
19-06-2008, 09:14 PM
I just read that last joke to my wife... the Dr. tells me the swelling will go down in a few days but my eye will be black for a month...

administrator
20-06-2008, 12:47 AM
Good to read a joke or 2 at the end of the business day i reckon : :ebony:

administrator
20-06-2008, 05:31 PM
look at pic lolololol

administrator
20-06-2008, 11:43 PM
Three Tasmanians are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."



1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick

lifestyle
21-06-2008, 08:34 AM
Whats the best thing to come out of Melbourne ?

administrator
21-06-2008, 10:07 AM
Tasmania lol it broke off from Victoria :laughing:

lifestyle
21-06-2008, 11:35 AM
Tamania lol it broke off from Victoria :laughing:

Yeah we saved ourselves MANY years ago :rolleyes:

I heard the best thing to come out of Victoria was the Newell Highway... any truth to that ? :russ:

lawn order
21-06-2008, 10:39 PM
Whats the best thing to come out of Melbourne ?
When you say best - do you mean least worst?

lawn order
21-06-2008, 10:41 PM
When you say best - do you mean least worst?
P.S. Best or beast?

mowjoman
24-06-2008, 07:29 PM
After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. "Trust me,"said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. ;frosty;

tree beard
24-06-2008, 08:12 PM
Tasmainian Jokes! you never get tired of them :cheer:

lifestyle
24-06-2008, 08:57 PM
ROFLMAO :russ:

mowjoman
25-06-2008, 05:43 AM
A true story.....

When I was in the mines I used to work with a bloke from Tassie. Being the ever smart a*se the first time I met him I said, " Ahgrr from Tassie ay? So wheres the scare mate?"
He pulled his collar aside and said, "Here", producing a 4" scar down the side of his neck.
Talk about ROFLMAO!!!!!
Anyway we became good mates and he was proud of his "scar" and would repete the joke time and again on new and unsuspecting..."Ahrr from Tassie ay" people which would always bring the same reaction. :wave-hi:

lifestyle
25-06-2008, 07:23 AM
Meet King Wilbert...

http://www.austinscaravans.com.au/twotas/kingwil.htm :wave-hi:

lifestyle
25-06-2008, 07:27 AM
Meet King Wilbert...

http://www.austinscaravans.com.au/twotas/kingwil.htm :wave-hi:

Sorry wrong link, this ones better...

http://www.austinscaravans.com.au/twotas/index.htm

lifestyle
25-06-2008, 07:51 AM
What does a Victorian teenage guy say to begin foreplay...?











Are you awake Mum ? :laughing:

mowjoman
25-06-2008, 06:24 PM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
Nice comback. Although I have heard it start differently :rolleyes:

Mrs HMS
01-07-2008, 09:51 AM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch."

"It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"sh1t," said the Hypnotist

It took three days to clean up the senior's center.....

administrator
01-07-2008, 11:04 AM
Subject: Humour

Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. After 6 months of hard slog mowing lawns for a living.


So they loaded up Jim's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there
and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in
my house'

'Don't worry,' Jim said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'


The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got
on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later
, Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about
9 months ago?'


'Yes,
I do.' said Bob


'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes, 'Bob said, a little embarrassed
about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah,
look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did' Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?.. now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

mowjoman
02-07-2008, 05:43 PM
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.


He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.


As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer dead and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".


The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him dead also.


"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..


"I think my missus caught a glimpse...." :aus-flag:

lawn order
04-07-2008, 11:01 PM
I entered a bar one hot day to down a quiet shandy or two when I noticed a forlorn fellow drinking on his own.
I went over to say hello & maybe cheer him up a bit.
Me “Gidday mate – why are you so sad – lose something important?”
He “Yeah – as a matter of fact I recently lost my wife – her funeral was today.”
Me “Sorry to hear that mate – I’ll go, and leave you to grieve in peace.”
He “its O.K. I’m starting to get used to it. It was my second wife”
Me “What – your first wife also died?”
He “Yes, on our first anniversary.”
Me “I am so sorry – What happened?”
He “She ate a feed of mushrooms – they were poisonous and killed her. And by a strange coincidence my second wife died on our first anniversary also.
Me “Don’t tell me she also died of food poisoning?”
He “No – it was a fractured skull that killed her.”
Me “How terrible, was it a fall- a car crash or what fate befell her?”
He “ No – nothing like that, it was just that she wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

administrator
08-07-2008, 03:29 PM
A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it
is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!'

administrator
08-07-2008, 03:31 PM
Do You Fart In Bed?



This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had
Been Happily Married For Years.

The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was
The Husband's Habit Of Farting
Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke.
The Noise Would Wake His Wife And
The Smell Would Make Her Eyes
Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.

Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To
Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick.
He Told Her He Couldn't Stop It And
That It Was Perfectly Natural.
She Told Him To See A Doctor,
She Was Concerned That One Day
He Would Blow His Guts Out.

The Years Went By And He Continued To Let Them Out.
Then One Thanksgiving Morning As She
Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner
And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep,
She Looked At The Innards And Neck,
Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts
And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.

She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where
Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And,
Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back,
She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of
His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl
Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts

Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband
Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was
Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream
And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps
As He Ran Into The Bath Room.
The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself
As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing,
Tears In Her Eyes!
After Years Of Torure She Reckoned
She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good..

About Twenty Minutes Later,
Her Husband Came Dowstairs In His
Bloodstained Underpants With A
Look Of Horror On His Face.
She Bit Her Lip As She Asked
Him What Was The Matter.

He Said, 'honey You Were Right.'
'all These Years You Have Warned
Me And I Didn't Listen To You'.

'what Do You Mean?'
Asked His Wife.

'well, You Always Told Me That One Day
I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out,
And Today It Finally Happened.'

But By The Grace Of God, Some
Vaseline And Two Fingers.
I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In !

lawn order
08-07-2008, 10:14 PM
[QUOTE=administrator]Do You Fart In Bed?



This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had
Been Happily Married For Years.

The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was
The Husband's Habit Of Farting

Disgusting, horrid, vulgar & in the words of the stones.-.
"Hey - you - get off a my cloud."
Leave the bad taste to one who lives in it.

mowjoman
09-07-2008, 06:42 AM
Quickie In The Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s**t on its head.'

administrator
09-07-2008, 12:30 PM
After getting Pope Benedicts entire luggage loaded into the limo,

(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still

Standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take
Your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
At the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
Something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never

Gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
The wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

The airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but
The Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches
And the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and

Gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
Limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the f ..ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

NWGL
09-07-2008, 08:10 PM
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

forevergreen
09-07-2008, 08:55 PM
A man charges into a bank waring a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "this is a raid-everyone get on the floor!!",and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot,a brave customer reaches up and yanks off his balaclava.The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head,spins around and shouts__
"Did anybody else here see my face?"
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter,and goes over and shoots him in the head too.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again,waving his gun around.There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my missus caught a glimpse ___"

Islandhead
16-07-2008, 06:22 PM
Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Ted
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Susie Fox

Dear Susie, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Ted

administrator
16-07-2008, 10:24 PM
A definition of globalization that I
can understand and to which I now
can relate.


Question:
What is the truest
definition of
Globalization?





Answer:
Princess
Diana's
Death.



Question:
How come?




Answer

An
English princess
With an
Egyptian boyfriend

Crashes
In a French tunnel,
Driving a


German
Car


With a
Dutch engine,


Driven
By a Belgian


Who was
Drunk


On
Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you
Change the spelling),


Followed
Closely by


Italian
Paparazzi,


On
Japanese motorcycles;


Treated
By an American doctor,
Using


Brazilian
Medicines.


This is
Sent to you by


An
American,


Using
Bill Gates's technology,


And
You're probably reading
This on your computer,


That
Uses Taiwanese chips,
And
A


Korean
Monitor,


Assembled
By


Bangladeshi
Workers


In a
Singapore plant,


Transported
By Indian
Lorry-drivers,


Hijacked
By Indonesians,


Unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,


And
Trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... .
.
.
.
.
.

That, my friends,
Is Globalization!
Hans









--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lifestyle
17-07-2008, 08:15 AM
How do you spell intelligence ? :):):)

lawn order
17-07-2008, 11:12 PM
How do you spell intelligence ? :):):)

I Dunno what it is so blowed if I know.

mowjoman
18-07-2008, 06:11 AM
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were sitting on a bench in the mental institution.

"Let's find a cat and f**k it," suggested the zoophile.

"Let's find a cat, f**k it and then torture it," said the sadist.

"Let's find a cat, f**k it, torture it and then kill it," said the murderer.

"Let's find a cat, f**k it, torture it, kill it and then f**k it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's find a cat, f**k it, torture it, kill it, f**k it again and then set fire it," said the pyromaniac.

They all went silent for a few moments and then the masochist said.......


"Meow!"

mowjoman
26-07-2008, 07:38 AM
Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender yells at Jim, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
Jim says 'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied Jim 'He eats everything in sight, the little pig, Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.' He finishes his drink, pays his bill and the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.
'No, what?' replies Jim.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied Jim. 'He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'

NWGL
24-08-2008, 03:27 PM
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

mowjoman
25-08-2008, 03:35 PM
2 rats living in a sewer
1st rat says, "I'm sick of this... sh*t for breakfast, sh*t for lunch and sh*t for tea!"
2nd rat says, "Cheer up mate...we'll hit the piss later." :cool:

Islandhead
28-08-2008, 06:11 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, "there's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 - a lot quicker and cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.

He deposits $20.00, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits $20.00, pours in his concoction and waits for the results.

The computer prints out the following :

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (1st Floor)

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woollies.

Mrs HMS
04-09-2008, 08:46 PM
For anyone who may be offended by a "religious" joke...give this one a miss (you have been warned! :p)






An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"

administrator
30-09-2008, 06:57 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen

tree beard
30-09-2008, 07:56 PM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly??
? ??
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.


The three men had always done everything together.

?

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, ?Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. ?You better roll him over.'

?

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'


The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

?

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up?

?

Roll him over.'

?

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'


The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

?

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

?

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:


'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

bb1
01-10-2008, 10:31 PM
John, a handsome dude walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.


The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at John and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'


John says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'


The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'


John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to John, saying,
Fair's fair. Here's your money.'


John replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
and so I knew he would jump.'


The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'


John took the money...

administrator
02-10-2008, 05:34 PM
Simon Nev and Dean team meeting yoga for lawnies maybe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ziNuksz5AM

Countrymile
03-10-2008, 07:54 PM
He's the man.....

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg :laughing:

Islandhead
06-10-2008, 07:34 PM
Trying to steal petrol.... or just plain stupid?

lifestyle
06-10-2008, 07:37 PM
Trying to steal petrol.... or just plain stupid?

Just plain stupid... while stealing petrol. :wave-hi:

chaplain
13-10-2008, 04:26 PM
A woman called a local hospital...

'Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.'

The voice on the other end said, 'What is the patients name and room number?

'Sarah Finkel, room 302.

'I'll connect you with the nursing station .

3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?

'I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.

'Just a moment. Let me look at her records.

Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.

The woman said, 'What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic ... that's wonderful news!

The nurse said, 'From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!

'Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a fu**ing thing!

tree beard
21-10-2008, 10:32 PM
One August day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snip' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.


The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

mowjoman
22-10-2008, 07:58 AM
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

Bluey
22-10-2008, 07:51 PM
An Australian Love Poem.

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird


And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word


So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab


It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab


So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care


So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there


No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts


They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best


I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies


I think its very ***y
That you've got dimples on ya thighs


I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met


I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get


No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear


Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

mowjoman
24-10-2008, 05:54 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '

It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' f**k' , the Rottweiler ate him! :D

Mrs HMS
24-10-2008, 01:46 PM
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pu$$y willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

geejay
28-10-2008, 05:09 PM
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:,"Darling this the pig I have *** with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:'I think you'll find that's a sheep,you idiot."

the mans says:"I think you'll find that i was not talking to you" .

administrator
31-10-2008, 10:47 AM
timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange. When a boy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, he explained, 'The restaurant's owners hired Hendersen
Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of
analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we
can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 10
man-hours per shift.'



As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'



I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out
of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had
the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I
asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not
everyone is so observant. The consulting firm also found that we can
save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you
know what'. That way, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, saving water usage and
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 46.39 percent.'



I asked, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'



'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

Mrs HMS
31-10-2008, 06:31 PM
When your partner does something that makes you angry;

Don't give in to the temptation to argue, fuss and fight!

Just count to ten, remain calm & after they go to bed,

get out the superglue and do this....

(click the link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc-haRTtK3A

:p :laughing: