Reasons why I shouldn't kill myself?

[PaulG]

All I can think of is my two little boys.

I've pretty much had it with everyone and everything in my life.

[Back to Basics]

Mate the Easter bunny will deliver some chocolates soon, fingers crossed this will help with the mood.

Not sure what to say but there are so many wonderful things in our lives to keep us going!

[MikeS]

Mate chin up its always darkest before the dawn, + good indy friends :)

[Fred's mowing]

Mate everyone has tough times, but thats the cowards way out!
Talk to us, seek pro help, whatever, the tide will turn.
Without going into too many details, why not give us an outline of your probs. Im no pro, but there may be others reading that can relate to your situation & possibly could help.
Be cool, the tide WILL turn.
Cheers Fred.

[geoff]

agree Fred...Paul mate you have two little boys and having brought up children and having a little grandson the world has changed for me...mate those boys need you like you wouldnt believ..stay strong...things do get better , sometimes it takes time

[Stripes]

We all go through tough times but you just have to do your best to wait for the good times to roll back around. It can be hard but you have to be positive. Your two little boys should be a big enough reason to ride it out. It's easy for us to say to hang in there, but do all you can to turn things around for your kids sake. Going through tough times makes the good times even better.

[Bgs]

All I can think of is my two little boys.

I've pretty much had it with everyone and everything in my life.

you have given us two amazing reasons your two boys focus on them, and seek professional help for the bad stuff give these guys a call Lifeline's 24 hour crisis line on 13 11 14

All the best mate I hope things turn around for you.

[PaulG]

I'm really trying but things just keep getting harder and harder for me. I work so hard and do so much for other people and all I get is **** in return.

I'm still trying to get a motor for my ute and I had found one in Charters Towers. Paid the guy a deposit of $500 and now yesterday when the motor is supposed to have been loaded onto a road train he didn't show and now won't answer any calls or messages. This is just one of many issues I'm trying to deal with at present. Other's include a chronic illness, a client base that keeps dwindling despite the qualityof work I do, which most of you have seen pics of on here, and a partner who is angry all the time and who spends more time with a friend of hers than she does me.

[Bluey]

Mate....come here and sit down with me and have a yarn. Life wasn't meant to be easy. If it was nobody would kick the bucket. I trully believe that life tests you every step of the way and what doesn't kills you makes you a stronger and better person. Sure your having some troubles BUT you can get through them. Use them to learn. Make sure you do things differently next time but above all else do not EVER give up. Even when you think your having the blackest day there is always someone else out there doing it tougher.

Mate you have done the right thing asking us for help. Lets works through your problems one by one and see if we can work out a solution for them. It is always better to take on adversity head on then running away and hiding.

So what is the first issue you want to discuss.

[Scooby Steve]

Chin up Paul, don't do anything silly, your kids mate thats all you need to think of, they need you mate and you need them thats all you need the rest will work itself out.

Give Beyond Blue a call they can help www.beyondblue.org.au is the website.

[Mrs HMS]

Paul, firstly you need to know that there are people out there who can help you. Go and see your GP (ask for a long appointment), lay it all on the line and ask for a mental health plan. Once you have the mental health plan in place it will entitle you to see professionals such as psychologists and it will be covered by Medicare which will help when money is tight.

In order to get the most out of it, you have to be completely honest and upfront with your doctor. I know that men can tend to bottle things up, put on a brave face and in that way can be their own worst enemies.

When the black dog of depression hits you it can seem like you are in a pit so deep that you can never see the light or climb back out but you CAN, with professional help.

You have those boys and you are their father, they love you unconditionally and need you in their lives for as long as possible, long enough to watch them grow and guide them to adulthood, watch them have kids of their own and bounce those grandkids on your knee. If you were to do something drastic now, their lives will never be the same. Ever.

Depression is a horrible thing and not just for the sufferer, often those around have no idea what's going on and just see this person who is different that the one they know, a person who is withdrawn all the time because the focus with depression is always inwards. If, like most people you aren't sharing this with your partner then perhaps she doesn't understand why you have pulled away from her and it has made her angry....this may explain why she's spending so much time with her girlfriend...to get the support she needs to try and understand without having the benefit of the full story of what is going on with you.

Can you ask a relative to take the boys one evening so you and your partner can spend some time talking. Be really honest with her about how you feel. Reassure her that it's nothing she has done or not done. Ask her to help you get through it, together.

The the first available opportunity go and see your doctor, take that first step on the road to recovery.

In the meantime try http://www.menshealthaustralia.net

Even though you may not see it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes you just need someone to help you through until you can see it.

[kevtan]

you have lots of support .............you gave the 2 best reasons yourself !!!!!! if you need to talk inbox me an I will call you gone thru some **** in my life as well.......lots of life experience in this forum mate

[geoff1969]

not good paul g ....but theres some good avise on her for ya especialy from ms hms ... ive lost a few mates from depresion one day there , next day gone and the torment it placed on there kids and family due to them taking the live wasnt good .. your abouve that and have spoken up about your feelings etc and how you fill = your severl steps abouve there stage = you can beat it mate ... you can even take your self to a 24 hour hospital to have a chat to a doctor or even local 24 hr police station and have a chat , .. just think of those young kids mate .. fuuck work and such mate , just put your self and kids first ...

[Tender Lovin Lawn&Garden]

Been thinking the sme thing myself for a while paul just kee thinking of my kids and hope things pull through. Im sure things will get better but for a while there everytime i thought that they got worse. Good luck mate and remember suicide is a permant solution to a tempory problem.

[Redlandsguy]

Because you are a long time dead. Once they screw down the lid you cannot change your mind. Sometimes thing improve, better to take the chance on improvement then bet that things will get worse.

[Bluey]

Paul, firstly you need to know that there are people out there who can help you. Go and see your GP (ask for a long appointment), lay it all on the line and ask for a mental health plan. Once you have the mental health plan in place it will entitle you to see professionals such as psychologists and it will be covered by Medicare which will help when money is tight.

In order to get the most out of it, you have to be completely honest and upfront with your doctor. I know that men can tend to bottle things up, put on a brave face and in that way can be their own worst enemies.

When the black dog of depression hits you it can seem like you are in a pit so deep that you can never see the light or climb back out but you CAN, with professional help.

You have those boys and you are their father, they love you unconditionally and need you in their lives for as long as possible, long enough to watch them grow and guide them to adulthood, watch them have kids of their own and bounce those grandkids on your knee. If you were to do something drastic now, their lives will never be the same. Ever.

Depression is a horrible thing and not just for the sufferer, often those around have no idea what's going on and just see this person who is different that the one they know, a person who is withdrawn all the time because the focus with depression is always inwards. If, like most people you aren't sharing this with your partner then perhaps she doesn't understand why you have pulled away from her and it has made her angry....this may explain why she's spending so much time with her girlfriend...to get the support she needs to try and understand without having the benefit of the full story of what is going on with you.

Can you ask a relative to take the boys one evening so you and your partner can spend some time talking. Be really honest with her about how you feel. Reassure her that it's nothing she has done or not done. Ask her to help you get through it, together.

The the first available opportunity go and see your doctor, take that first step on the road to recovery.

In the meantime try http://www.menshealthaustralia.net

Even though you may not see it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes you just need someone to help you through until you can see it.


This is probably the best post of the year. Remember Paul and now TLLG that all you have to do is ask for help. We are a family in Indy and family look after their own.

[ian]

just think how upset the kids will be and they could well wonder if it was something they did
also it's not fair on the people who have to find your body and clean up the mess
and also finding your body could be the final straw for someone else then you would be partly responsible for there death
and you could win lotto this week which will be useless if i'm dead

these are 4 reasons i usually try to think of for going on

[PaulG]

Even when you think your having the blackest day there is always someone else out there doing it tougher.

I tell myself this every single day Bluey; I really do. I think about families who lost everything including loved ones in the recent flash floods here, I think about my little brother dying when he was just seven years old (when I was ten). I think about my father leaving the following year. I think about my mother who went back to study at 40 years of age to become a teacher to support us growing up. She taught for a bit over ten years then was diagnosed with cancer and died 18 months later on Good Friday 1997. I think about one of my other brothers who has never dealt with our Mum's death and is still drug affected. I pray for him every day. I think about lots of things. I think too much.


Joanne I won't individually quote any of what you said because I want say thanks for everything you said. As much as it's good to talk to the guys it's good to also have a perspective from another female. I am deadly honest with people and often this is what can end up inflaming situations sometimes.

I've known, and still know, a lot of people suffering from depression and on one 4WD forum I'm on some of the guys have actually started a website to help mates seek help and try to discuss the issue/s openly which I have no trouble doing.

Unfortunately I have no family anymore (apart from the two brothers I never see) so I am alone here when it comes to getting a break from the kids or having someone to look after them. If I do want have some time away for even a day my partner thinks I am being selfish, even though I stay home to look after the boys if she wants to have a night out or go away for a weekend to do a scrapbooking course or the like.

To this point my GP is the only person I have discussed things with in any depth but that practice is just a factory and it seems like anything said is just glossed over unfortunately. Maybe I need to be more direct in asking for help...

Ian you raised some points which have stuck in my head. On a lighter note, I can only keep hoping about Gold Lotto. That would be a Godsend. All I can do is keep working as much as I can despite my illness. If I don't I lose my house.

More of you have replied than I can individually reply to, but thank you all. I will still be here when the sun rises on Good Friday.

[geoff1969]

I've known, and still know, a lot of people suffering from depression and on one 4WD forum I'm on some of the guys have actually started a website to help mates seek help and try to discuss the issue/s openly which I have no trouble doing.

what 4x4 forum you on paul im offten on 4x4 australia ,

[Mick]

Paul, can I ask what your illness is? It will just help coming up with some options.

From what Im reading, sounds to me your wife is being totally less than helpful with this. Have you sat her down and explained everything (sternly) like you have here, REALLY let her know that you are serious and that there are some very serious issues?

Its times like this when the wife/partner should really step up and be helpful rather than being a hindrance.

[Anjaryan]

I would reiterate what most people have said here Paul.

You oyurself know what it is like growing up without your parents and im sure you dont want to do that to your own kids.

Try Beyond blue, also www.relationships.com.au might be able to help.

They can set up individual appointments or appointments for both you and your wife to go and talk through your differences.

Very good relationship counselling place and they base their rates on income, so basically if you tell them you need help but cant afford it they will charge nothing or next to nothing.

Good luck mate, chin up and just take one day at a time.

[Mrs HMS]

Paul, with today being Good Friday I can understand it bringing those feelings of sadness bubbling up. My mum also died from cancer just after Timmy and I were married and the anniversary of her death and the lead up to that date still now (20 years on) makes me sad beyond belief. My dad followed my Mum in October of 1997.

All I can say is your mum worked hard and as a single mum would have made huge personal sacrifices to give you and your brothers the life she knew you deserved and to honour her memory that is exactly what you should do...live the life you deserve and give your kids the very best chance you possibly can...leave no stone unturned to get there.

I know that doctor shortages in many areas of this country create factories that need to churn them out as quickly as possible because the demand is so great. That is why you need to ask for a long appointment and yes, be absolutely direct with your doctor about asking for the help you need. Tell him/her how you are feeling and demand a mental health plan.

As to having someone to watch the kids, perhaps your partner's friend with whom she has been spending so much time can help for one night, or even a couple of hours. Perhaps if you get the chance to talk to her about how you feel and what you want to do to improve things for yourself and your whole family it will help her too.

Most of all ask for the help you need and keep on asking until you get it.

One day at a time...that's significant, when you can't see the forest for the trees trying to look too far forward can seem overwhelming. Now, in the beginning, just focus on today, whilst the date may not be the same the fact that it is Good Friday makes it a difficult one for you (my mum passed on Valentines day and it has never been the same since), focus on those beautiful boys of yours and surrounding yourself with their love. Tomorrow you can deal with when you get there.

Keep talking and sharing here, with your 4wd mates and take it one day at a time.

[brettly]

Paul, i couldn't give anymore advice then what has been said already, i have 2 rugrats myself (even though they are older), i can tell you, its what gets me up every morning striving to be better than the day before, and hence bringing absolutely NOTHING to stand in your way.

Mate, look how far you have come!, the support on here and mine will NEVER end.

In the Anzac tradition..we HAVE to soldier on.

Chin-up..Take Care

[C.O.R.Y.S]

So many different thoughts went through my head as I read over this thread and there are a lot of things id like to say but wont because I know they would come accross as being insensitive. That said there are still some things I believe need saying. Clearly Paul you are suffering from depression and my heart goes out to you. Having gone through some things in my life I wouldnt wish on my worst enemies I myself have suffered terribly from this and after years of Therapy, lots of different medication and many many suicidial thoughts I can promise you, YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH! Like I said though, I had suicidal thoughts, which I believe are inevitable when suffering deppresion, but I wasnt suicidal. To me just the fact you would come on an open forum like this and make the comments you did tells me your not suicidal either, you are just a man asking for help, which I promise you is the best thing you could ever do. Last year my cousin, who was like a brother to me, committed suicide to the shock of all who knew him. He had an amazing life and I envied him for what he had achieved, he had a wife and two great kids who loved him, a very very successful engineering company, was a multiple australian sprint car champion and more recently a leader and pioneer in extreme 4wd, having won the tuff truck challenge with ease (i added that in coz if your into 4wd you probably know of him) but all those things werent enough to help him battle his demons. he had a deep seeded mental illness and he never spoke of being suicidal and never asked for help. when he finally decided to kill himself he felt a weight lifted off him and they were probably the happiest months of his life, thats right i said months. after it happened we found he had been conciously planning it for a long time, if only we had realised. I tell this story because I now know every reason not to kill yourself. I know the impact it has on the children and family and friends you leave behind. I know at the end of the day money is nothing, and its better to be alive without a penny than to have a million dollars in your pocket hanging from a rope. I know other peoples problems are no reason to give in to your own. I know it doesnt mean much when you are in the midst of a depressive state but there really are litterally millions and millions of people in the world who wake up every day with no money and no hope and no future but go through their lives with a smile on their face doing the best they can with their situations and when you get through this, which like I said if you keep asking for help you will, youll look back from the otherside and realise your problems werent really as bad as you thought, because nothing is better than being alive and living each day the best way you can whatever troubles your faced with along the way. good luck to you paul and id love to talk to you more if you want. cheers, cory.

[PaulG]

Thanks everyone.

Geoff I'm on Outer Limits here a bit and Pirate in the USA, as well as my own forum which is a small local one. Also a few others like DownUnder and 4x4Earth, but not very often.

Drew thanks for that link as my partner and I do need to get a few things sorted.

Thanks Joanne. I recognise this is a time of year I hate but I'm trying to overcome that by being a part of the joy my boys show for things like the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause etc.

Brett that's exactly what I am trying to focus on each day to take my mind off everything else.

Cory, thanks mate for you words. And I do believe I know who you're talking about from the 4WD community but I didn't realise it was suicide. I thought cancer but then I might just be thinking of someone else as I don't think the guy I'm thinking of won Tuff Truck unless it was one of the very early ones.

[PaulG]

I just checked Cory and it is who I was originally thinking. I was shocked when I heard mate. Sorry to hear about it and also know you guys were so close.

[ian]

I just checked Cory and it is who I was originally thinking. I was shocked when I heard mate. Sorry to hear about it and also know you guys were so close.

just think this is also how people will feel if you do kill yourself

p.s you may not have depression but suffer bipolar this i something you probably should discuss with a doctor this may give you a better idea http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001924/ remember this is a dease and not something to be ashamed of one of the richest and most beautiful women in the world (Catherine Zeta-Jones ) suffers from it and recently put herself in care because she wasn't copping stress makes it hard to cope and tends to bring on more and severer bouts of depression episodes so i would suggest writing down things which are stressing you then see what you can do about relieving yourself of them ie:dump pita clients you may need the money but the stress and what it does to your physical and mental health really isn't worth it

[The Local Gardener]

I just checked Cory and it is who I was originally thinking. I was shocked when I heard mate. Sorry to hear about it and also know you guys were so close.

Paul, there is no doubt we all have a story to tell. I just wanted to let you know that I am very proud of you.

[Christine Wharton]

Paul -
not sure what to say, so I'll let this poem do it for me.
(It's a bit of an oldie, but has good advice in it for us all)

Desiterata
by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.


If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.


Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.


Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

------------------------------
Easter time and ANZAC day is a good time to reflect
on what O/others have done for us ... Thanks be ...

[simo]

Paul Mate you`ve taken the first step maybe even the second by talking to your mates, it will get better even though the light at the end of the tunnel is small..keep at it you`ll get there and when you do it will be soooo worth it..you`ll be thinking :cheer: :clap: :D :olympic :dance :cheer: and only a little bit of :frightene :frightene cheers mate happy easter keep smiling..

[simo]

:) Oh And if you live any where near ballina give me a hoy and i`ll help ya with that motor it`ll only cost ya a couple of beers lol..

[Mrs HMS]

Hi Paul, just checking to see how you are today?

[danz]

G'day Paul, I have only just seen this thread and I just want to say hang in there buddy, I have suffered Depression and Bipolar for the last 15 years. Mate these times WILL pass. I know it is easy for us all to say keep your chin up etc but the people here really care for you and as a indy family we stick together. If you need a chat or anything feel free to Pm me or you can even give us a call if you wanna chinwag.. Hows things going today? I hope your feeling alittle better... take care and try stay as positive as you can...

[C.O.R.Y.S]

I know this probably isnt the perfect place to post these but wanted to make sure Paul saw them. Hope your feeling better buddy. Heres a couple of videos of my cousins exploits in extreme driving and building custom 4wds.

This is the beast he dominated TuffTruck in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZJx8jWXQmY

And the most advanced rock crawler in the world he just finished building before he tragically took his own life last new years. I helped him out a bit building this and its trailer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvDlMXqsYD8&feature=related

[danz]

Has anyone heard from Paul? is he going ok?

[Bugga]

Good question Danz I have been wondering the same thing myself.

Has anyone heard from Paul today.

[Mrs HMS]

Hey Paul,

If you're lurking but not posting, that's OK but can you just let us know you're OK.

Thanks

[MowerRob]

Hey Paul,

If you're lurking but not posting, that's OK but can you just let us know you're OK.

Thanks

Paul has not logged on for a week

[Mrs HMS]

yeah I noticed but he may be viewing without logging in, so I thought just in case I'd ask.

[RSM-Gazza]

Spoke to Paul today,

He is OK and in good spirits and wishes to thank all for their kind thoughts and concerns expressed towards his well being.
He will personally post on the forum soon and is aware I'm posting this.

[Mrs HMS]

Thankyou for the update Garry!

[courty]

Thankyou for the update Garry!

Dtto Gazza,cheers mate

[Bugga]

Gazza

Thanks for the update, thats good to hear.

Cheers

Ian

[ian]

Gazza

Thanks for the update, thats good to hear.

Cheers

Ian

and the same from me

[Bgs]

Thanks Gazza great to hear

[administrator]

Had a good chat to paul about 30 mins just got off the phone .
Hes a good lad and is ok .
Have passed on what everybody did for him he was very humbled .

[geoff]

Terrific stuff admin , good to hear the positive and obviously Paul does have those features....good onya Paul

[Bugga]

X 2 Admin. Great stuff.

Cheers

Ian

[courty]

Thanks for the update Dean,great to hear.

[RSM-Gazza]

Great effort Indy Peoples,

Look forward to you posting soon Paul,
Hope that Quote you did other day was successful.

Regards,

[Bluey]

Many thanks for the update Admin. Glad to hear Paul is firing on all cylinders again.

[Mrs HMS]

Thanks admin. Glad you got to have a chat. Great effort everyone, thankyou :cheer:

[Scooby Steve]

Thanks for the update Dean, look forward to hearing from you soon Paul.

[MikeS]

Thanks for the update, it's good to hear

[danz]

Thanks so much for the update Gazza and Admin...

[Mick]

I would also like to thank everyone who got involved! We did a good thing and Im proud to be part of such a good group of people!
Well done!

[PaulG]

Hi Guys & Girls. As I said in my other thread, all I can say is thanks. I'm still having a few good days mixed with a few bad days but am trying to stay more positive. If something's getting me down I try to think about something else or better still do something else to take my mind away from it where I can.

I saw my GP last week and did the standard national (Government prescribed) questionaire/test for depression (which she said "is pretty ordinary but it's all we've got"!). The result was that she says I'm not depressed but rather suffering from anxiety issues and having trouble coping with change. I already knew that. Anyway I am going to be seeing a mental health professional for at least six visits and hopefully can put into place some sort of plan that might help. My biggest issue though is still my physical health and illness which is probably the main thing that gets me down but is the only thing I don't really have any control over.

I found an old diary/planner of my Mum's here yesterday where she had written a few things that she'd had trouble with in her life after one of my younger brother's passed away years ago and that simple little thing made me say to myself "pull yourself together and get out there". So I did and went outside and got a heap of work done around my own yard.

I have a full days work (at one job) today too (providing my boys' colds don't worsen and I get stuck playing doctor for the day). A good day's work is the best thing to take your mind off other issues but it still doesn't solve the problem but that's someting else I'm working on.

[St George]

Good to hear things are looking Up mate.I was up that way for my brothers wedding on Maggie island.I'm originally from mount Isa so I know Townsville area well.have alot of family there to.

[Stripes]

Good stuff mate.

[danz]

Great work Paul. Remember to just take it a day at a time.

[63impala]

Hey we got MASTERS opening soon here on the GC you cant die till that open and whatch BUNNING running scared it going to be like SEARS they have in the one stop tool shop with sweet deals....They recon you ress a button and within 1 minute the will have some to serve you oh yes we will have fun with this lol lol peace....:magic:cool::dance