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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #1021
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
    beer.

    All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the
    air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our
    glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,"
    he says.

    The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
    into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate,
    in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need
    to drink out the same glass either," he says.

    The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
    His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
    the Kiwi.

    He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
    many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the
    same ones twice.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  2. #1022
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    So a rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any carrots?" The bartender says "No sorry, we don't have any carrots."
    The next day the rabbit goes back to the bar and again asks, "Got any carrots?" The bartender is a little annoyed now and snaps back "No! I told you yesterday, we don't have any carrots now get out of here." So, the third day the rabbit goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any carrots?" The bartender is really pissed now and goes on a little rant, "Listen, I don't know what is wrong with you, but we don't have any carrots. If you come back into this bar again asking for carrots, I'm going to nail you ears to the bar. Now, get out of here."
    Now the fourth day, the rabbit goes back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" The bartender is replies confusedly, "no...I don't have any nails." The rabbits asks "Got any carrots!?"

  3. #1023
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm,
    revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

    But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

    The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another drink?"

    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

    The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

    The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #1024
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    hahahahahahaha,,,,, thanks Paul

  5. #1025
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
    She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

    'What's up?' she asks.
    'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..

    The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
    'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'
    The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

    'You rotten '*****', she screams.

    'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #1026
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    just read this and it made me laugh

    Jaclene Paolucci, 36, was six months pregnant and had just ordered a latte in Starbucks when a fellow customer decided to lecture her about her choice of drink.

    Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
    Me: I’m... not pregnant.
    Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
    And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  7. #1027
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    If you go sky diving and your parachute doesn't open don't panic remember you have the rest of your life to fix it
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  8. #1028
    Senior Member NLALM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two blokes talking one says to the other, you know those lions have s..e..x.. 10 to 15 times a day , other bloke says dam I just joined rotary

  9. #1029
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

    "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

    "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

    Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

    "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

    "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

    At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    "Pope Francis," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**k is that on the balcony with Dave?'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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