Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

Hybrid View

  1. #1
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    3,820

    Default Jokes R Us

    A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
    The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

    The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
    To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
    The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
    The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
    The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
    Finally, the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

    Please Support The Sponsors www.lawnmowingdirectory.com.au

    As they support this forum




    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  2. #2
    bigG
    Guest

    Talking Re: Jokes R Us



    very nice almost as funny as the cats and dog thread

  3. #3
    Senior Member chaplain's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    181

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
    her
    car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered
    her a
    ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they
    rode
    off.

    The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
    let
    out a "Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
    hills.

    When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,

    yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.

    "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
    service-station
    attendant.

    "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his

    waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman

    answered.

    "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

  4. #4
    bigG
    Guest

    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  5. #5
    Senior Member chaplain's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    181

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Kiwi walks into the marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm & says, "Darling, this is the pig I have *** with when you have a headache."

    With disdain, his missus lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

    Kiwi says " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


  6. #6
    Senior Member chaplain's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    181

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    who said fishing was fun
    Attached Images Attached Images

  7. #7
    Junior Member baz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    gold coast
    Posts
    23

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...?
    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer??

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding?

    Older Woman: Oh, I see?

    Officer: Can I see your license please??

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one?

    Officer: Don't have one??

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving?

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

    Older Woman: I can't do that?

    Officer: Why not??

    Older Woman: I stole this car?

    Officer: Stole it??

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner?

    Officer: You what??

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see?

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun?

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle?

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir??

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner?

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner??

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk?

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am??

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers?
    The officer is quite stunned?

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license?

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer?

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled?

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner?

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too?





    Don't Mess With Old Ladies?
    If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.?




    I just did!



  8. #8
    Senior Member kakegc's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    577

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
    beer.

    All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the
    air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our
    glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,"
    he says.

    The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
    into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate,
    in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need
    to drink out the same glass either," he says.

    The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
    His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
    the Kiwi.

    He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
    many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the
    same ones twice.

  9. #9
    Senior Member heggie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Mount Annan
    Posts
    170

    Default Maori Technology

    Maori Technology



    "After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



    Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, Australian scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."

    One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua (Maori elder), reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless."
    ~~{Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.}~~

  10. #10
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Stanhope Gardens
    Posts
    218

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
    down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

    2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
    hold while you chop.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
    the shower.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
    timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
    be afraid to cough.

    7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
    move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
    tape.

    8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    Stanhope Gardens And Lawns

    Gardening & landscaping, lawn mowing, strata cleaning & maintenance, high pressure cleaning

    Residential | Real estate | Strata | Industrial & commercial

    https://stratamaintenance.net
    https://stanhopegardensandlawns.com.au

  11. #11
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Innisfail NQ
    Posts
    705

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
    attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
    So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
    'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
    indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
    wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
    to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
    nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
    the gentleman.

    The note read:

    'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '


    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


    It read:

    'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

  12. #12
    PESTIE
    Guest

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    there is only one joke on this site and thats Ian he is a joke on other lawn care sites as well

  13. #13
    Very Helpful Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    melb.sth. east
    Posts
    4,908

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    and once again another personal insult with no references to back up the assertions but it is nice to see the new members are posting
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  14. #14
    Member of Forum haireyscarie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Mid Nth Coast nsw
    Posts
    451

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by ian
    and once again another personal insult with no references to back up the assertions but it is nice to see the new members are posting
    lol
    poor ian
    []

  15. #15
    Very Helpful Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    melb.sth. east
    Posts
    4,908

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    i see another attempt at a personal insult by trying to imply that i'm so ineffectual and incompetent at my chosen profession that i can't earn enough money to be anything but poor.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

Page 1 of 40 12345678910111213141516171819202122232425262728293031323334353637383940 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •