Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #1006

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet
    too much horsing around I think?
    http://www.southeastmowing.com.au
    Mob: 0423 091 182



    www.facebook.com/SouthEastMowing




    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow.

    If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving!

  2. #1007
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,325

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"




    http://www.curraronglawnsngarden.com/

    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #1008
    Senior Member BSD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Sth West Sydney.
    Posts
    1,360

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lol.....................................

  4. #1009
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    South Burnett, Qld
    Posts
    1,748

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A police officer pulls a man over for speeding.

    As the officer approaches the car, he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

    "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

    "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."

    "Oh, really? How's that?"

    "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

    "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

    "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man.”

  5. #1010
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,325

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    17990961_1050686481698439_2356807373046281059_n.jpg


    ...............................................




    http://www.curraronglawnsngarden.com/

    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #1011
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Calwell ACT
    Posts
    658

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Like!...........

  7. #1012
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,325

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The doctor took the husband in first.
    The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
    He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife.
    He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
    Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
    She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
    Then he said - "Ok, good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".
    The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
    I couldn't get an erection either"

    .................................................. .................................................. ..............................................

    Bert, at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
    "Notice anything different about me?"
    Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
    Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.
    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
    "Notice anything different NOW???"
    Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
    "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
    Furious, Bert yells out,
    "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
    "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
    "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
    Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,
    "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."




    http://www.curraronglawnsngarden.com/

    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  8. #1013
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,325

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

    He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

    He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
    3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

    “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”




    http://www.curraronglawnsngarden.com/

    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #1014
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,325

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Joe and John were identical twins.

    Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

    One day he rented out his boat to a group of guys who sank it.

    Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

    Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly during that period of time.

    When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store.

    A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:
    “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

    Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
    “Hell no!
    In fact, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her.
    She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.
    Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
    She was always holding water.
    She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
    Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
    I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
    I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad.
    But they wanted her anyway.
    The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”

    The old lady fainted...




    http://www.curraronglawnsngarden.com/

    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #1015
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Calwell ACT
    Posts
    658

    Default Re: Jokes R Us


    good one Paul

  11. #1016
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,325

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside
    of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
    Waiting the little boy gets bored, and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
    "Get your hand out of There! "she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
    The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
    For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
    have teeth between their legs.
    When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
    One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for
    a little action.
    After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You
    know, you could go a little further if you want."
    "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
    "Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
    "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
    "Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
    No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
    she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
    "No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
    "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
    her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
    The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised!!..




    http://www.curraronglawnsngarden.com/

    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #1017
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,325

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down
    the street when a masked robber runs out of the
    bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
    Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon
    decides to leave the bullets in because it's too
    risky to operate.
    All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter
    walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks
    the mother.
    "I was taking pee and this bullet came out."
    replies the daughter.
    The mother tells her it's okay and explains what
    happened 16 years ago.
    About a week later the second daughter walks
    in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee
    and this bullet came out."
    Again the mother tells her not to worry and
    explains what happened 16 years ago.
    A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
    "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened,
    you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."
    "No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot
    the dog."




    http://www.curraronglawnsngarden.com/

    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  13. #1018
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,325

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?
    The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
    The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
    The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
    The next night, the pub is packed.
    In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
    The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
    The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
    Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
    The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
    In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
    The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'
    The rabbit looks aghast.
    The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
    The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
    The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
    The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
    'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
    The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie down.
    He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
    NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
    -----
    One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
    When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
    The barman says, 'Who are you?',
    To which he is answered,
    'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
    The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
    You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
    The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
    The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
    The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
    The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
    'I DIED', said the rabbit.
    'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
    After a short pause, the rabbit said... 'Mixin-me-toasties.'




    http://www.curraronglawnsngarden.com/

    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  14. #1019
    Senior Member kevinsuzanne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Location
    mildura,victoria
    Posts
    122

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Great one,love it

  15. #1020
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Can Bearer
    Posts
    1,572

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    what a ripper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Page 68 of 69 FirstFirst 123456789101112131415161718192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445464748495051525354555657585960616263646566676869 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •