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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #151
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    A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

    “I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

    “Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

    “Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

    “Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

    “A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

    “Umm, How did you lose your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor.

    Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

  2. #152
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    A farmer owned a small farm in the backblocks of Golden Bay.

    The Labour Department heard he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an inspector out to interview him.

    'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the inspector. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free food and board.

    The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free food and board.

    Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.

    He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

    'That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit,' says the inspector.

    'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
    ~ Joanne ~

  3. #153
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    Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.

    While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

    The first guy says, 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...

    ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful,

    Intelligent, Ecologist.''

    The second guy says, 'I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you

    know...''Double Income, No Kids Yet. '

    The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you

    know...''Rich, Urban, Biker. '

    The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you

    know...'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

    They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What

    are you?''

    She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know...

    Wash, Iron, Fark, Etc.''

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  4. #154
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    The Nicobate Patch

    Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

    One of them looks at the other one's pen!s and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

    He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your pen!s.'

    The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
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  5. #155
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    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

    Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

    I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

    Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

    We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

    The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

    And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

    Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
    check on him.

    He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

    So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

    Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

    Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father
    in bed with the nanny.

    He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I
    understand the concept of politics now.'

    The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
    politics is all about.'

    The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working
    Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
    ignored and the Future is in deep **** .

  6. #156
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

    He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

    "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

    When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

    The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
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  7. #157
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    Little Johnnie is sitting at the back of the class in Primary school.
    The teacher asks the students a question,

    Little Wendy – what did you have for breakfast that was healthy?
    I had muesli Miss Schmidt.
    Very good little Wendy
    Little Henry – what did you have for breakfast that was healthy?
    I had yoghurt Miss Schmidt
    Very good little Henry
    Little Jenny – what did you have for breakfast that was healthy?
    I had toasted wholemeal muffins and honey.
    Very good little Jenny
    Little Johnnie – what did you have for breakfast that was healthy?
    I had effall Miss Schmidt.
    You disgusting little boy – get yourself and your foul mouth down
    to the headmaster’s office for punishment.
    Half an hour later and six of the best little Johnnie sulks back into
    Miss Schmidt’s Class.
    Sit down Little Johnnie. While you were out of the room the class
    Has been learning Geography. We covered Victoria and NSW and
    now we are about to learn all about QLD.
    “Class – who can tell me where the Queensland boarder is?”
    Only little Johnnie has his hand up.
    Miss Schmidt decides to give him another chance.
    OK little Johnnie – where is the Queensland border?
    In bed with me Mum – and that’s why I got efall for breakfast!

  8. #158
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    To any of you who may well be like this bloke and thinking of buying their wife a pocket style Taser for her protection, and just might let curiosity get the better of commonsense, then Read This First !!!!

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dip$hit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

    SON-OF-A-B*TCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I $hit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    ~ Joanne ~

  9. #159
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
    'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke'

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

    'Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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  10. #160
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    I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it.
    Got it!
    Wet eyes and pants. Rippa yarn New Gal.

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    In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

    Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

  12. #162
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Daddy's car in the woods?

    Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

    Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.'

    At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

    At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, and then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

    Mommy fainted!



    Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

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  13. #163
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    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER



    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

    Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, He Uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

    'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

    'How long will this take?' I asked.

    They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

    I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the Years?'

    Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, Although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.



    Stupid, stupid man.

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  14. #164
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    The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

    Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
    new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
    establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him ***."

    There is total silence.

    The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, '**** the Vicar'

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  15. #165
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    One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
    When it became apparent that we would marry,
    I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

    Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
    on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
    countryside, I called my husband and told him that I
    would be late because I had to walk home. On my way,
    I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans
    was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured
    that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached
    home.&n bsp; So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it,
    I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
    All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

    Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
    and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for
    dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to
    my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as
    he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
    He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
    returned and went to answer the call.

    The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
    and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while
    my husband was out of the room, I seized the opportunity,
    shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only
    loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
    skunk in front of a pulp wood mill. I took my napkin from
    my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

    Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
    The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.


    When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
    freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
    placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
    relieved and pleased with myself.

    My face must have been the picture of innocence when my
    husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me
    if I had peeked through the blindfold and I assured him I had not.
    At this point, he removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guests
    seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

    I fainted

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