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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #166
    Senior Member Bgs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    ahh you've gotta love a gold old fashioned fart joke

  2. #167
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
    He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.

    When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van. "So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.



    "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

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  3. #168
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Subject: FW: Rrriiinnnnggg rrriiiinnnnngg


    **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

    **'Hello?'**
    **'Hi honey.**
    **This is Daddy.**
    **Is Mummy near the phone?'**


    **'No, Daddy.**
    **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


    **After a brief pause,**


    **Daddy says,**
    **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

    **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**
    **Right now.'**

    Brief Pause..

    **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
    **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
    **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**
    **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


    **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


    **A few minutes later**
    **The little girl comes back to the phone.**

    **'I did it, Daddy.'**

    **'And what happened, honey?' **
    'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

    **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
    **And now she isn't moving at all!'**


    **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

    **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**



    **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
    **And into the swimming pool.**
    **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
    **Last week to clean it.**



    **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


    *****Long Pause*****


    *****Longer Pause*****


    *****Even Longer Pause*****


    **Then Daddy says,**



    **'Swimming pool? ...........**




    **Is this 486-5731?'*




    **No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

  4. #169
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were faithful
    and loving wives......however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
    One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls finished they proceeded to go home.
    The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!
    "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that read, "From all of us at the Ambulance Station. ...... We'll never forget you."

  5. #170
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Bacon Tree


    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

    'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

    'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

    'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

    'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

    'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

    And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

    'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

    'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

    'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...


    Ees



    Ees



    Ees



    Ees



    Ees


    Ees



    Ees



    Eees a Ham Bush.

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  6. #171
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Elton john goes to a tattoo artist and asks for a tattoo of a rollsroyce on his dick but the tattooist said you would be better with a landrover as you go through so much -hit

  7. #172
    Senior Member Bgs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by nev
    Elton john goes to a tattoo artist and asks for a tattoo of a rollsroyce on his dick but the tattooist said you would be better with a landrover as you go through so much -hit
    dude not cool

  8. #173
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    are you a boring old fart

  9. #174
    Senior Member Bgs's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by nev
    are you a boring old fart
    yes

  10. #175
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    no place for boring old farts here even admin laughed at this joke when i spoke to him so get a life have another stubbie

  11. #176
    Senior Member Bgs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Another stubie is a great idea cheers, it might even help me remove the mental image i got from your joke lol

  12. #177
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    More fun at Eltons expense.....
    Elton John, Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams are walking across the Sydney harbour Bridge when Kylie drops her moblie phone.....
    When she bends to pick it up her big head (because she has a big head the poor girl...dunno if I'd take a million bucks or her head stuffed full of fivers...anyway).....
    With her head stuck and Robbie Williams being the way he is he decides to take advantage of the situation and starts having his way with poor ol' Kylie there and then. When he finished he took a step back and said to Elton, "Whadoya reckon mate...up for a go?"
    Elton says, " Love to but I dont think my head'll fit through the rails"

  13. #178
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Mwahahahahahahaha!!
    Attached Files Attached Files

  14. #179
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...

    A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

    Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me....'You lazy pr*ck! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your ar*e and give her a break!'

    I thought 'Sh*t! ... Women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms 'Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'.

    After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.

    I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below]









    I'M TOO BLO*DY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT.
    ~ Joanne ~

  15. #180
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
    pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
    where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
    is asking for a push.

    'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
    He slams the door and returns to bed.

    'Who was that?' asked his wife.

    'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

    'Did you help him?' she asks.

    'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
    rain out there!'

    'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
    'Can't you remember about three months ago when
    we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
    I think you should help him, and you should be
    ashamed of yourself!'

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
    and goes out into the pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

    'Yes,' comes back the answer.

    'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

    'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

    'Where are you?' asks the husband.

    'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

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