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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #181
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
    All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
    He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

    The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

    Just then they came upon another cave.
    The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

    He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

    The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
    As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Oh man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

    He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

    With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


    The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............








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  2. #182
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Boom! Boom!

  3. #183
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
    Their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe,
    Look towards sky; what you see?'

    The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

    'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
    Speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it
    Appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
    Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , and we are s mall and
    Insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
    Day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

    'You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole tent.'

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  4. #184
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
    Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
    The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny...........
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last..................
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

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  5. #185
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Know You Will Like These!
    True Stories!!

    Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A
    Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.
    ************************************************** ****

    A Boy Asks His Granny, "have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?"
    Granny Replies, "f... The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!"
    ************************************************** ****
    Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.
    Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, "dad, What's Love Juice?"
    Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About ***.
    Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement.
    Dad Says, "so What Were You Watching?"
    Billy Says, "wimbledon!"
    ************************************************** ****
    A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror,
    Says To Her Husband, "i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment."
    He Replies, "your Eyesight Is Perfect!"
    ************************************************** ****
    Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, "what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My
    s exy Body?"
    Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, "your F...in' Sense Of Humour!"

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  6. #186
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    QM = Quasi Modo
    A1 = Applicant 1
    FC = Frog Copper


    The Hunchback of Notre Dame Cathedral - Quasi Modo - has been working hard non-stop for six years. He decides he needs a holiday, but he needs to hire a temp bell- ringer for the period of his holidays.
    He puts an ad into the local paper.
    Wanted : Relieving Campanologist for 2 weeks – Good pay & etc.
    Week 1 = no reply
    Week 2 = no reply
    So he tries a new ad.
    Wanted : Relieving Bell Ringer for 2 weeks – Good pay & etc.
    Week 3 = no reply
    So he tries a new ad.
    Wanted : Relieving Bell Ringer for 2 weeks – Good etc & pay.
    The next day nobody turns up till 4:00pm.
    Applicant #1 is a double amputee
    QM What do you want?
    A1 The bell ringers job
    QM How do you expect to ring the bells – you haven’t got any arms.
    A1 In this day of equal opportunity you’ve got to give me a go.
    QM OK – smart arms – let’s see if you can ring the big bell
    A1 OK – And with that he takes 3 steps back, then runs flat out and launches
    Himself at the bell. At the last second he dips his head and hits the cast iron
    bell full on with his forehead.
    GONGGG!!!
    QM Sensational… Now try the middle-sized bell!
    A1 Repeats his first effort
    GONGG!!
    QM Brilliant … Now if you can ring the little bell the job’s yours.
    A1 Steps back – runs – and launches.
    And misses.
    His momentum takes him out the window – over the parapet and he bounces off the Gargoyles to land on the cobblestones of the Cathedral’s front steps.
    QM Lurches down the stairs and arrives at the front door to find a Gendarme standing over the broken corpse of A1
    FC Ullo – Ullo – Ullo – do you know who this is then?

    QM I do not Know ‘is name – but ‘is face rings a bell!!

  7. #187
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    SO:-
    A2 = Applicant number 2

    QM resubmits his ad for a new bell ringer.
    This time he has an instant reply.
    If QM had doubts about the A1 enquirer then they pale to insignificance with A2.
    This bloke makes Steven Dawkins look like a contender for the Gymnastic Olympic
    Gold Medal podium.

    QM You look similar, but less able, than the last applicant.

    A2 Yeah, he was my brother – he always had the luck.

    QM I’m sorry but you’re wasting our time; this job requires certain
    physical abilities, which you do not possess. Namely no bloody arms and no bloody legs. At least your brother had his legs to launch himself.

    A2 So you won’t even give me a chance then?

    QM OK – have a go at it – start with the big bell.

    A2 Thanks – you won’t regret this. Away he goes, an egg with stumps in each corner rocketing his wheelchair towards the bell and at the crucial moment he prods a leg-stump into the left-hand spokes
    Launch - - a perfect DONGGG!!!

    QM Whale Oil Beef Hooked – he did it! OK now try the middle bell.

    A2 Repeats the performance – this time using the other leg-stump into the right-hand wheel. DONGG!

    QM “Stoked, now complete the trifecta and the job is yours and Holidays are mine”

    A2 A Valliant attempt - but alas with shaven stumps, warped spokes blood-soaked tyres – a well-timed stop was not an option.

    QM Lurches down the stairs again and arrives at the front door to find the same Gendarme standing over the shattered corpse of A2

    FC Ullo – Ullo – Ullo – do you know who this one is then?

    QM I do not Know ‘is name – but ‘e sure is a dead ringer for ‘is brother!

  8. #188
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    C'mon - How bad do they have to get to stir youse up.

  9. #189
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Anger Management.

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an a***hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a***hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a***hole!" It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a***hole' calling would have to stop.

    So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

    I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a***hole!"

    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

    Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a***hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a***hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

    "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

    "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

    "What's your name?" I asked.

    "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    "I'm home every evening after five."

    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

    "Yes?"

    "Don, you're an a***hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two a***holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called A***hole #1.

    "Hello."

    "You're an a***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

    "Are you still there?" he asked.

    "Yeah," I said.

    "Stop calling me," he screamed.

    "Make me," I said.

    "Who are you?" he asked.

    "My name is Don Hansen."

    "Yeah? Where do you live?"

    "A***hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a***hole," and hung up.

    Then I called A***hole #2. "Hello?" he said.

    "Hello, a***hole," I said.

    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll what?" I said.

    "I'll kick your a**rse," he exclaimed.

    I answered, "Well, a***hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my *** lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a***holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

    NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works

  10. #190
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded
    that I take her out to some place expensive...











    So, I took her to a PETROL STATION!

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  11. #191
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A fella calls his wife from work at lunch time and exitedly says, "WE'VE WON LOTTO...WE'VE WON LOTTO!!!"
    "Christ how much?"
    "4 million...start packing my dear...start packing"
    "What sould I pack are we going to the sand or snow?"
    Hubby replies, "Don't give a sh*t...just be gone by the time I get home."

  12. #192
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Blue and me had had had a couple of quiet ones and were walking home.
    We rounded the corner just before Blue's place and saw a giant Alsatian sitting in Blues driveway left leg upstreatched and licking his nuts.
    Blue - "Struth - I wish I could do that!"
    Me - "Well you'd better Pat him first or else he might bite ya!"

  13. #193
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  14. #194
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

    'You know what?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
    The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

    'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
    'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

    'Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll just have some Coco Pops'

    WHACK!!

    He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

    'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops
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  15. #195
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (Hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

    The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Forbes Show and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result.

    The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

    Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

    Do you know any Pulliticians called Gordon?

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