Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #211
    lifestyle
    Guest

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by lifestyle
    Sorry wrong link, this ones better...

    http://www.austinscaravans.com.au/twotas/index.htm

  2. #212
    lifestyle
    Guest

    Talking Re: Jokes R Us

    What does a Victorian teenage guy say to begin foreplay...?











    Are you awake Mum ?

  3. #213
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Innisfail NQ
    Posts
    705

    Default Re: Jokes R Us


    Nice comback. Although I have heard it start differently

  4. #214
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Melbourne outer east
    Posts
    1,766

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

    People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

    As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

    "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch."

    "It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

    "sh1t," said the Hypnotist

    It took three days to clean up the senior's center.....
    ~ Joanne ~

  5. #215
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    3,820

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Subject: Humour

    Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. After 6 months of hard slog mowing lawns for a living.


    So they loaded up Jim's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    'I realize it's terrible weather out there
    and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in
    my house'

    'Don't worry,' Jim said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'


    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got
    on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


    But about nine months later
    , Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about
    9 months ago?'


    'Yes,
    I do.' said Bob


    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

    'Well, um, yes, 'Bob said, a little embarrassed
    about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


    'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'


    Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah,
    look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did' Why do you ask?'


    'She just died and left me everything.'


    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?.. now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

    Please Support The Sponsors www.lawnmowingdirectory.com.au

    As they support this forum




    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  6. #216
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Innisfail NQ
    Posts
    705

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.


    He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.


    As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer dead and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".


    The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him dead also.


    "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..


    "I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

  7. #217
    Senior Member lawn order's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    3225
    Posts
    269

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I entered a bar one hot day to down a quiet shandy or two when I noticed a forlorn fellow drinking on his own.
    I went over to say hello & maybe cheer him up a bit.
    Me “Gidday mate – why are you so sad – lose something important?”
    He “Yeah – as a matter of fact I recently lost my wife – her funeral was today.”
    Me “Sorry to hear that mate – I’ll go, and leave you to grieve in peace.”
    He “its O.K. I’m starting to get used to it. It was my second wife”
    Me “What – your first wife also died?”
    He “Yes, on our first anniversary.”
    Me “I am so sorry – What happened?”
    He “She ate a feed of mushrooms – they were poisonous and killed her. And by a strange coincidence my second wife died on our first anniversary also.
    Me “Don’t tell me she also died of food poisoning?”
    He “No – it was a fractured skull that killed her.”
    Me “How terrible, was it a fall- a car crash or what fate befell her?”
    He “ No – nothing like that, it was just that she wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

  8. #218
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    3,820

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
    finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
    for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
    the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it
    is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


    'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'


    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
    'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!'

    Please Support The Sponsors www.lawnmowingdirectory.com.au

    As they support this forum




    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  9. #219
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    3,820

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Do You Fart In Bed?



    This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had
    Been Happily Married For Years.

    The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was
    The Husband's Habit Of Farting
    Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke.
    The Noise Would Wake His Wife And
    The Smell Would Make Her Eyes
    Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.

    Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To
    Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick.
    He Told Her He Couldn't Stop It And
    That It Was Perfectly Natural.
    She Told Him To See A Doctor,
    She Was Concerned That One Day
    He Would Blow His Guts Out.

    The Years Went By And He Continued To Let Them Out.
    Then One Thanksgiving Morning As She
    Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner
    And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep,
    She Looked At The Innards And Neck,
    Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts
    And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.

    She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where
    Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And,
    Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back,
    She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of
    His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl
    Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts

    Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband
    Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was
    Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream
    And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps
    As He Ran Into The Bath Room.
    The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself
    As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing,
    Tears In Her Eyes!
    After Years Of Torure She Reckoned
    She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good..

    About Twenty Minutes Later,
    Her Husband Came Dowstairs In His
    Bloodstained Underpants With A
    Look Of Horror On His Face.
    She Bit Her Lip As She Asked
    Him What Was The Matter.

    He Said, 'honey You Were Right.'
    'all These Years You Have Warned
    Me And I Didn't Listen To You'.

    'what Do You Mean?'
    Asked His Wife.

    'well, You Always Told Me That One Day
    I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out,
    And Today It Finally Happened.'

    But By The Grace Of God, Some
    Vaseline And Two Fingers.
    I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In !

    Please Support The Sponsors www.lawnmowingdirectory.com.au

    As they support this forum




    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  10. #220
    Senior Member lawn order's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    3225
    Posts
    269

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    [QUOTE=administrator]Do You Fart In Bed?



    This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had
    Been Happily Married For Years.

    The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was
    The Husband's Habit Of Farting

    Disgusting, horrid, vulgar & in the words of the stones.-.
    "Hey - you - get off a my cloud."
    Leave the bad taste to one who lives in it.

  11. #221
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Innisfail NQ
    Posts
    705

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quickie In The Bushes

    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
    woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
    years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
    gesture, brings the two to life.

    The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
    hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
    thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
    shrubbery.

    The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
    After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

    The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
    to do it again?'

    He asks her 'Shall we?'

    She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
    time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s**t on its head.'

  12. #222
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    3,820

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    After getting Pope Benedicts entire luggage loaded into the limo,

    (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still

    Standing on the curb.
    'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take
    Your seat so we can leave?'

    'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
    At the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

    'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
    Something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never

    Gone to work that morning.

    'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
    The wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

    The airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

    'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but
    The Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches
    And the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and

    Gets on the radio.

    'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
    Limo going a hundred and five.

    'So bust him,' says the Chief.

    'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

    The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

    'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

    The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Chief: 'Governor?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

    Cop: 'I think it's God!'

    Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

    Cop: 'He's got the f ..ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

    Please Support The Sponsors www.lawnmowingdirectory.com.au

    As they support this forum




    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  13. #223
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Stanhope Gardens
    Posts
    218

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

    Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

    The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

    In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
    Stanhope Gardens And Lawns

    Gardening & landscaping, lawn mowing, strata cleaning & maintenance, high pressure cleaning

    Residential | Real estate | Strata | Industrial & commercial

    https://stratamaintenance.net
    https://stanhopegardensandlawns.com.au

  14. #224
    Junior Member forevergreen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    CRANBOURNE VICTORIA
    Posts
    32

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man charges into a bank waring a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
    He shouts "this is a raid-everyone get on the floor!!",and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
    As he runs towards the door with the loot,a brave customer reaches up and yanks off his balaclava.The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head,spins around and shouts__
    "Did anybody else here see my face?"
    The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter,and goes over and shoots him in the head too.
    "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again,waving his gun around.There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
    "I think my missus caught a glimpse ___"

  15. #225
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    430

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Why men don't write advice columns

    Dear Ted
    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
    Sincerely, Susie Fox

    Dear Susie, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
    Ted

Page 15 of 69 FirstFirst 123456789101112131415161718192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445464748495051525354555657585960616263646566676869 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •