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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #226
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A definition of globalization that I
    can understand and to which I now
    can relate.


    Question:
    What is the truest
    definition of
    Globalization?





    Answer:
    Princess
    Diana's
    Death.



    Question:
    How come?




    Answer

    An
    English princess
    With an
    Egyptian boyfriend

    Crashes
    In a French tunnel,
    Driving a


    German
    Car


    With a
    Dutch engine,


    Driven
    By a Belgian


    Who was
    Drunk


    On
    Scottish whisky,
    (check the bottle before you
    Change the spelling),


    Followed
    Closely by


    Italian
    Paparazzi,


    On
    Japanese motorcycles;


    Treated
    By an American doctor,
    Using


    Brazilian
    Medicines.


    This is
    Sent to you by


    An
    American,


    Using
    Bill Gates's technology,


    And
    You're probably reading
    This on your computer,


    That
    Uses Taiwanese chips,
    And
    A


    Korean
    Monitor,


    Assembled
    By


    Bangladeshi
    Workers


    In a
    Singapore plant,


    Transported
    By Indian
    Lorry-drivers,


    Hijacked
    By Indonesians,


    Unloaded by
    Sicilian longshoremen,


    And
    Trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    That, my friends,
    Is Globalization!
    Hans









    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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  2. #227
    lifestyle
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    How do you spell intelligence ?

  3. #228
    Senior Member lawn order's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by lifestyle
    How do you spell intelligence ?
    I Dunno what it is so blowed if I know.

  4. #229
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were sitting on a bench in the mental institution.

    "Let's find a cat and f**k it," suggested the zoophile.

    "Let's find a cat, f**k it and then torture it," said the sadist.

    "Let's find a cat, f**k it, torture it and then kill it," said the murderer.

    "Let's find a cat, f**k it, torture it, kill it and then f**k it again," said the necrophile.

    "Let's find a cat, f**k it, torture it, kill it, f**k it again and then set fire it," said the pyromaniac.

    They all went silent for a few moments and then the masochist said.......


    "Meow!"

  5. #230
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

    The bartender yells at Jim, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
    Jim says 'No, what?'
    'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!'
    'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied Jim 'He eats everything in sight, the little pig, Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.' He finishes his drink, pays his bill and the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.
    'No, what?' replies Jim.
    'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!' said the bartender.
    'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied Jim. 'He still eats
    everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'

  6. #231
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '
    He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
    Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
    The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
    Stanhope Gardens And Lawns

    Gardening & landscaping, lawn mowing, strata cleaning & maintenance, high pressure cleaning

    Residential | Real estate | Strata | Industrial & commercial

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    https://stanhopegardensandlawns.com.au

  7. #232
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    2 rats living in a sewer
    1st rat says, "I'm sick of this... sh*t for breakfast, sh*t for lunch and sh*t for tea!"
    2nd rat says, "Cheer up mate...we'll hit the piss later."

  8. #233
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, "there's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 - a lot quicker and cheaper than a doctor."

    So Joe deposits urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.

    He deposits $20.00, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
    He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits $20.00, pours in his concoction and waits for the results.

    The computer prints out the following :

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (1st Floor)

    5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping @ Woollies.

  9. #234
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    For anyone who may be offended by a "religious" joke...give this one a miss (you have been warned! )






    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

    He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

    Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

    The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

    "Very Well," said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

    "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"
    ~ Joanne ~

  10. #235
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

    When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
    'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
    We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

    She hears the little boy continue,

    'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
    We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

    As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

    'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen

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  11. #236
    Senior Member tree beard's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly??
    ? ??
    The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.


    The three men had always done everything together.

    ?

    Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

    Cooter said, ?Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. ?You better roll him over.'

    ?

    The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'


    The mortician thought this was rather strange.

    So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

    ?

    Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up?

    ?

    Roll him over.'

    ?

    The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'


    The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

    Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

    ?

    'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

    ?

    'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:


    'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
    To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.

    Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

  12. #237
    Senior Member bb1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    John, a handsome dude walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

    He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.


    The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
    on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


    The blonde looked at John and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'


    John says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'


    The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'


    John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'


    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
    swan dive off the building, falling to his death.


    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to John, saying,
    Fair's fair. Here's your money.'


    John replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
    and so I knew he would jump.'


    The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'


    John took the money...

  13. #238
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Simon Nev and Dean team meeting yoga for lawnies maybe

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ziNuksz5AM

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  14. #239
    Senior Member Countrymile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  15. #240
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Trying to steal petrol.... or just plain stupid?
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