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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #241
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Islandhead
    Trying to steal petrol.... or just plain stupid?
    Just plain stupid... while stealing petrol.

  2. #242
    Senior Member chaplain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman called a local hospital...

    'Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.'

    The voice on the other end said, 'What is the patients name and room number?

    'Sarah Finkel, room 302.

    'I'll connect you with the nursing station .

    3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?

    'I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.

    'Just a moment. Let me look at her records.

    Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.

    The woman said, 'What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic ... that's wonderful news!

    The nurse said, 'From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!

    'Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a fu**ing thing!

  3. #243
    Senior Member tree beard's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One August day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

    She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

    We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.'

    The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

    My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snip' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.


    The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

    A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

    Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
    To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.

    Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

  4. #244
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  5. #245
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An Australian Love Poem.

    Of course I love ya darlin
    You're a bloody top-notch bird


    And when I say you're gorgeous
    I mean every single word


    So ya bum is on the big side
    I don't mind a bit of flab


    It means that when I'm ready
    There's somethin there to grab


    So your belly isn't flat no more
    I tell ya, I don't care


    So long as when I cuddle ya
    I can get my arms round there


    No sheila who is your age
    Has nice round perky breasts


    They just gave in to gravity
    But I know ya did ya best


    I'm tellin' ya the truth now
    I never tell ya lies


    I think its very ***y
    That you've got dimples on ya thighs


    I swear on me nanna's grave now
    The moment that we met


    I thought you was as good as
    I was ever gonna get


    No matter what u look like
    I'll always love ya dear


    Now shut up while the footy's on
    And fetch another beer.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  6. #246
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

    A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

    'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '

    It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' f**k' , the Rottweiler ate him!

  7. #247
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

    "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

    "Roll of chicken wire."

    "What you gonna do with that?"

    "Gonna catch some chickens."

    "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

    The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

    The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.

    "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

    "Roll of duct tape."

    "What you gonna do with that?"

    "Gonna catch me some ducks."

    "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

    The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

    The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

    ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

    "It's a pu$$y willow."

    "Wait up...I'll get my hat."
    ~ Joanne ~

  8. #248
    Member geejay's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:,"Darling this the pig I have *** with when you have a headache."

    His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:'I think you'll find that's a sheep,you idiot."

    the mans says:"I think you'll find that i was not talking to you" .
    geejay

  9. #249
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.
    Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed
    that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
    pocket. It seemed a little strange. When a boy brought our water and
    utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
    looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
    'Well, he explained, 'The restaurant's owners hired Hendersen
    Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of
    analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
    dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
    spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we
    can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 10
    man-hours per shift.'



    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
    it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
    kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'



    I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out
    of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had
    the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I
    asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
    string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not
    everyone is so observant. The consulting firm also found that we can
    save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you
    know what'. That way, we can pull it out without touching it and
    eliminate the need to wash our hands, saving water usage and
    shortening the time spent in the restroom by 46.39 percent.'



    I asked, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'



    'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

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    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  10. #250
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    When your partner does something that makes you angry;

    Don't give in to the temptation to argue, fuss and fight!

    Just count to ten, remain calm & after they go to bed,

    get out the superglue and do this....

    (click the link)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc-haRTtK3A

    ~ Joanne ~

  11. #251
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    THAT IS SO FUNNY THANKYOU I NEEDED THAT

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    As they support this forum




    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  12. #252
    Member of Forum haireyscarie's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs HMS
    When your partner does something that makes you angry;

    Don't give in to the temptation to argue, fuss and fight!

    Just count to ten, remain calm & after they go to bed,

    get out the superglue and do this....

    (click the link)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc-haRTtK3A

    LMFAO
    Thats so funny
    []

  13. #253
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us



    CLASSIC!!!

  14. #254
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs HMS
    When your partner does something that makes you angry;

    Don't give in to the temptation to argue, fuss and fight!

    Just count to ten, remain calm & after they go to bed,

    get out the superglue and do this....

    (click the link)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc-haRTtK3A


    Good one ....personally I would superglue the beer fridge shut or the wallet closed.

    If it was my ex I would superglue the top of the toilet seat...and put it down...for the first time in my life
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  15. #255
    Member Hustler's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    no i would take the seat of so she fell in

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