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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #256
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and
    blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.'' Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day her neighbor asks
    how it worked. "So-so,'' she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

  2. #257
    Member Hustler's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Thats a real organic joke that one

  3. #258
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This has got to be done with an Irish accent.

    A priest in Dublin is sent by his Bishop to find an out of the normal present for the Pope who is attending a feast at the local Church " Find me something different an unuasal says the Bishop".

    The Priest goes down to the local market and sees this woman with a brilliant brightly coloured parrot on her shoulder. The parrot has a blue string hanging from each leg.

    He goes up to her and says " Top of the mornin to ya madam"

    "Top of the mornin to you to Father"

    "Would that parrot be for sale"

    " Aye it would Father"

    " Would there be anything unusual about the parrot"

    " Aye there would Father . He is a religious parrot"

    " Ohh Saints be praised he is just the present we need for the Pope. When you say he is religious what do you mean"

    "Well Father do you see those two strings a hangin of his legs"

    "Well yes madam I do"

    " Well when I pull the string on his left leg he says the Our Father"

    She pulls the string and the parrot recites the Our Father flawlessly.

    "Ohh to be sure... he is religious but I am a wonderin what happens when you pull the string on his right leg"

    "Oh Father well then he says the Hail Mary"

    She pulls the string on his right leg and sure enough the parrot rattles of the Hail Mary.

    The Father is so taken with the parrot he buys him on the spot and hurry's back to the Bishop. Bursting into the Bishops office the Father is beside himself.

    " Top of the mornin to you Bishop"

    " Top of the mornin to you to Father and what in the name of fortune is that parrot a sittin on yer shoulder"

    "Well Bishop he is a religious parrot and our gift to the Pope"

    "How so Father"

    The Father tells the Bishop of the parrots abilities and demonstrates by pulling the strings and the parrot recites the Our Father and Hail Mary flawlessly.

    The Bishop is beside himself and thanks the Father profusely for such a wonderful gift for the Pope.

    That night all the dignitaries in the land are gathered for a feast to honour the Pope and present gifts.

    The Bishop is first up and comes in with the parrot on his shoulder. He greets the Pope and the Pope seeing the parrot on his shoulder says.

    "Bishop..what in the name of fortune is that parrot a sittin on yer shoulder for"

    " Well he is a religious parrot Your Grace"

    " To be sure... how so"

    "Well Your Grace do you see those two strings a hangin of his legs"

    "Well yes Bishop I do"

    " Well when I pull the string on his left leg he says the Our Father"

    So he pulls the string and the parrot recites the Our Father flawlessly.

    "Ohh to be sure Bishop... he is religious but I am a wonderin what happens when you pull the string on his right leg"

    "Oh Your Grace well then he says the Hail Mary"

    So he pulls the string on his right leg and sure enough the parrot rattles of the Hail Mary.

    The Pope is taken aback by the parrot and his obvious understanding of religion and spends some time looking at the parrot. After a while he says to the Bishop.

    " You know Bishop... I was a wonderin what would happen if I pulled both those strings at once.

    Well the parrot turns around and gives him an cold stare and says in a huge voice heard right around the the room.

    " Well I would fall on me fookin arsse wouldn't I ya stupid prick"
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  4. #259
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Dear Alcohol,

    First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

    However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? And why would you make me text people that I don't actually want to know about but seem to be unable to stay away from?

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!

    4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3:30pm (pre - Thirsty Thursday happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,
    Your biggest fan


    P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

    a) Innovative
    b) Preliminary
    c) Proliferation
    d) Cinnamon

    Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

    a) Specificity
    b) British Constitution
    c) Passive-aggressive disorder
    d) Transubstantiate

    Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

    a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
    b) Nope, no more booze for me.
    c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    d) No kebab for me, thank you.
    e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
    f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
    g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
    h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
    I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
    j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
    ~ Joanne ~

  5. #260
    Member of Forum Hugh Jarss's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Three couples go camping, the men are in one tent and the women in another.... one bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and nudges his mate lying next to him... " I'm going next door to root me missus, I've got the biggest hard-on I've ever had."
    "I'd better come with you then" his mate replies, "cos that's my dick you've got a hold of"

  6. #261
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I'LL BE JUST FINE, SAYS PLANET

    THE planet Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, stressing the worst that could happen is the extinction of the human race.

    'If you don't mind, I've got some orbiting to do'The Earth spoke out after a series of books, television programmes and environmental campaigns urged people to do everything in their power to 'Save the Planet'.

    Earth, 4,000,000,000, said last night: "I'll be absolutely fine, seriously. I might get a bit warmer and a bit wetter, but to be honest, that actually sounds quite nice.

    "Try living through an ice age. Pardon my French, but it's absolutely f**king freezing."

    The planet, based 93 million miles from the Sun, said it was 'sick and tired' of being drawn into arguments about human behaviour.

    "Look, I'm just a planet doing its thing, alright? If you want to live on me, that's your business, but I've got important planet stuff to do, okay?

    "Try being in elliptical orbit for five minutes, or balancing your gravitational pull with a medium-sized moon. Let me assure you, it's no f**king picnic."

    The planet said environmental campaigners should change their slogan from 'Save the Planet' to something more relevant such as 'Save Your Sorry Ar*e'.

    Earth added: "Okay, so there may come a time when, for a variety of reasons, I am no longer able to support pandas, polar bears, and humans, but you know what? Life goes on.

    "Who knows, I might end up being a haven for toads."

  7. #262
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Islandhead
    "Who knows, I might end up being a haven for toads."
    I thought it was already...

  8. #263
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    BANKS NOT HAPPY UNTIL ALL THAT'S LEFT IS BANKS

    The banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts warned last night.

    Economists now believe the international banking industry is in the final stages of a detailed plan designed to bankrupt everyone and then kill them.

    Dr Bill McKay, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Stage one was to engineer a credit boom and get everyone up to their nipples in debt.

    "Stage two was to create some bullsh*t crisis and then exterminate the housing market.

    "Stage three was to beg for a trillion pound bail-out and leave all the governments teetering on the edge of financial ruin.

    "Now we're at stage four - refusing to pass on interest rate cuts, killing off any remaining businesses and forcing absolutely everyone into bankruptcy and death."

    According to Dr McKay the banks will then tower over a wasteland of abandoned shops and decaying corpses before stealing whatever small amounts of change they can scavenge from the pockets of the dead.

    He added: "The last remaining bits of cash will be held by Mervyn King, sitting alone in his office in Threadneedle Street. But the banks will hunt him down and devour him like a horde of rabid zombie vampires.

    "They will then bulldoze away the ruins of everything that was not a bank and build a new society filled with pathetic little men who spend all day lending each other money and rubbing used $10 into their groin."

  9. #264
    Senior Member bb1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    LADIES NIGHT

    "The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

    Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
    Around 3a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!)

    Then he said, “we need a new cuckoo clock”.

    When I asked him why, he said,

    "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

  10. #265
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
    to operate on.

    The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, 'I like to see accountants on my
    operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
    numbered.'

    The second, from Sydney, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
    electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

    The third surgeon, from Melbourne, says, 'No, I really think librarians are
    the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

    The fourth surgeon, from Adelaide chimes in: 'You know, I like
    construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few
    parts left over.'

    But the fifth surgeon, from Perth shut them all up when he observed:

    'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There
    are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
    and the ass are interchangeable.'

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  11. #266
    Senior Member Countrymile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This Year's First Christmas Joke

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
    "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

    "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

    Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
    The man replied, "These are Carols."

  12. #267
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
    She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

    She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

    He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind;but, if you'll drop it on the counter,

    I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco reel and 5-kg test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44.'

    She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

    I'll take it!'

    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

    'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card,says the salesman.

    As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

    At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

    The salesman rings up the sale and says,'That'll be $58.50 please.'

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

    'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

    'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  13. #268
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately
    spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

    There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

    'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

    The owner looked at her and said,
    'Well I should tell you first, that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

    The woman thought about this, but decided
    she wanted the bird any way.

    She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
    in her living room and waited for it to say something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

    'New house, new madam.'

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
    but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

    When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school,
    the bird looked at them and said,

    'New house, new madam, new girls.'

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended
    but then began to laugh about the situation
    considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

    Soon after, the woman's husband Keith
    came home from work.
    The bird looked at him and said, ?
    'Hi Keith!'
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  14. #269
    Senior Member Premier's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for!

    There are 365 days this year.

    There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

    Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

    You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

    With a one hour lunch break each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

    You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

    We are off for 5 public holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

    We generously give you 14 days annual leave per year which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

    Cheers

    Premier

  15. #270
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

    'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

    'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist '

    But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

    'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.

    I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't p*ss on my slippers.'
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

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