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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #271
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

    Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

    At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
    The husband continued to feel quite well.

    Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

  2. #272
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple math’s test.
    Here is your first question, the foreman said.
    "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

    "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
    "What's this?" the boss asked."Ave you got no brain?
    Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.

    "Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.

    "The Irishman stared into space for a while, and then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go.
    "The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
    "Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.

    "The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.

    "The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred.

    "The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!

    "The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

    "So, when do I start?"

    Cheers

    Premier

  3. #273
    Member geejay's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    a blokes wife goes missing while diving of the Western Australian coast.

    he reports the event ,searches fruitlessly for her and spends the night worring about her safety.

    next morning there is a knock on his door and he is confronted by a old sarge and his young constable.

    mate we have some really bad news,some good news and maybe even more good news

    well i had better have the bad news first

    the sarge says,mate iam really sorry but your wife is dead.Young Bill found her in a cleft in the reef at five fathoms,he got a line around her and pulled her up,but she was dead.the guy is a bit distressed to hear the bad news that his wife is dead and has a bit of a turn.But after a few mintutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good new is.

    the sarge says,well when we pulled her up there were quite a few nice size crays and a swag of crabs attached to her,we brought you your share.

    he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of crays in it and four or five crabs int it.

    geez they are bloody beauties,i suppose it all ill wind and that....what could be the posiable other good news

    well the sarge says,if you fancy a quick trip,me and young Bill get of at 11am, we are going over to pull her up again.
    geejay

  4. #274
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Sorry guys - bad news ...

    I can't respond to any emails today.

    Something has crashed on my computer
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    As they support this forum




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  5. #275
    Senior Member m287j's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

    Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

    She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.

    With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

    Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

    The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

  6. #276
    Senior Member m287j's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the club house for help and to complain.

    Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

    "I was stung by a bee", she said.

    "Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied.

    He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide..."

  7. #277
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two men were talking one day.

    "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden," said the first man.

    "So were you able to find some?" the second man asked.

    "Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife.
    Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"

    The first man continued, "The gardener said: 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"

    Cheers

    Premier

  8. #278
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    In a crowded Sydney street at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.

    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would be enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

    Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip little more and again she still was unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Queenslander who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled: 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

    The charmer smiled and drawled, 'Well, miss, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda reckoned we was friends.'
    ~ Joanne ~

  9. #279
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A bloke meets his mates at the pub and is telling them how he recieved his black eye...
    " I was at the movies last night and they played the national anthem before the movie started so we all stood. I noticed the lady in the row in front of me had her skirt wedged between her bum, being the gentleman that I am I untucked it for her and she turned and thumped me."
    His mates sympathise with him.....
    Next weekend, same pub and ol' mates got a fresh shinner so he explains....."Same movie theater, national anthem plays and I noticed the very same lady in front of me as the week before"
    Crikey Mate ya didn't untuck her skirt again did ya? Asks one of his mates...
    Nah her skirt was as it should be but being the gent I am I knew how she likes it so I reached forward and tucked it in for her..........
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  10. #280
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES


    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'



    The father, surprised, answers,

    'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:



    In her 20's, they are like melons, round and firm.

    In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

    After 50, they are like onions'.



    'Onions?'



    'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'.



    This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'



    The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases:



    In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

    In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

    After 50, it is like a Christmas Tree'.



    'A Christmas tree?'



    'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration'.












    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Find your ideal job with SEEK Time for change?


  11. #281
    Senior Member Wggc's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    How do you know if a donkey's bi***ual ?????
    When he has a heeee of a morning & a whore of a night !!!!
    1st aid level 2 , ewp over 11m , limits of approach (powerline clearance) , ohs red card , roadside traffic management, chainsaw lvl 1 , woodchipper , fire training lvl 1 Leaves2Lawn Tree & Gardencare PTY LTD 0407569973 [/COLOR]12 inch woodchipper hire , Garden Mulch , Ride on mowing & lawn mowing services , Hedge trimming , Tree removal & Maintenance .

  12. #282
    Senior Member Wggc's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    KFC has introduced a politician's dinner pack !!
    It's full of left & right wings & a s s h o l e s !!! lol
    1st aid level 2 , ewp over 11m , limits of approach (powerline clearance) , ohs red card , roadside traffic management, chainsaw lvl 1 , woodchipper , fire training lvl 1 Leaves2Lawn Tree & Gardencare PTY LTD 0407569973 [/COLOR]12 inch woodchipper hire , Garden Mulch , Ride on mowing & lawn mowing services , Hedge trimming , Tree removal & Maintenance .

  13. #283
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A fella wakes early each Saturday for his game of golf with the boys.
    On this particular morning the rain is coming down and wind blowing a gale.
    He stops short of putting the clubs in the boot and crawls back into bed with his wife and snuggles up and says....."Bloody weathers awful out there"
    The wife replies....."Yeah and my stupid bloody husbands gone out in it to play golf"
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  14. #284
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Why I fired my Secretary.
    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
    I went downstairs for breakfast
    hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
    'Happy Birthday!',
    and possibly have a small present for me.
    As it turned out,
    she barely said good morning,
    let alone
    ' Happy Birthday.'
    I thought...
    Well, that's marriage for you,
    but the kids...
    They will remember.
    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
    and didn't say a word.
    So when I left for the office,
    I felt pretty low
    and somewhat despondent.
    As I walked into my office,
    my secretary Jane said,
    'Good Morning Boss,
    and by the way
    Happy Birthday ! '
    It felt a little better
    that at least someone had remembered.
    I worked until one o'clock ,
    when Jane knocked on my door
    and said, 'You know,
    It's such a beautiful day outside,
    and it is your Birthday,
    what do you say we go out to lunch,
    just you and me.'
    I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
    that's the greatest thing
    I've heard all day.
    Let's go !'
    We went to lunch.
    But we didn't go
    where we normally would go.
    She chose instead at a quiet bistro
    with a private table.
    We had two martinis each
    and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
    On the way back to the office,
    Jane said, 'You know,
    It's such a beautiful day...
    We don't need to go straight back to the office,
    Do We ?'
    I responded,
    'I guess not.
    What do you have in mind ?'
    She said,
    'Let's drop by my apartment,
    it's just around the corner.'
    After arriving at her apartment,
    Jane turned to me and said,
    ' Boss, if you don't mind,
    I'm going to step into the bedroom
    for just a moment.
    I'll be right back.'
    'Ok.' I nervously replied.
    She went into the bedroom and,
    after a couple of minutes,
    she came out
    carrying a huge birthday cake ...
    Followed
    by my wife,
    my kids,
    and dozens of my friends
    and co-workers,
    all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


    And I just sat there....

    On the couch...

    Naked.

    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  15. #285
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Achieving Inner Peace for the New Year

    Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives. A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic an d Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who frekin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov iner peeeeeece.
    ~ Joanne ~

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