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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #286
    Senior Member Countrymile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, were a
    Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

    When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

    No one speaks.

    The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

    The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

    The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

    The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I
    can smack the Kiwi again.

  2. #287
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Any of you guys seen "Flight of the Concords" on the tele??
    This is one of their songs........
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN0oDnoc3-c
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  3. #288
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    She was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast
    for breakfast, wearing only the "T" shirt she normally slept in.

    As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
    "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

    My eyes lit up and I thought, "I'm either dreaming or this is going to
    be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave
    it my all...right there on the kitchen table!

    Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and went back to the stove, her
    "T" shirt still around her neck.

    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about."

    She explained, "The egg timer is broken."
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  4. #289
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two guys are drinking in a bar.

    One says, " Did you know that Lions have *** 10 to 15 times a night?"


    "BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."
    ~ Joanne ~

  5. #290
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    its business time

    ill be back in two minutes

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    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  6. #291
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  7. #292
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Smile Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by administrator
    its business time

    ill be back in two minutes
    No 'job' is finished until the 'paperwork' is complete!
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  8. #293
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Queenslanders got luv em

    From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
    The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number
    Of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night),
    Flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
    He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more
    Vehicles left.
    At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently
    Waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
    Breathalyser test.
    To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
    The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be
    Broken.'
    'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

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    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  9. #294
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lol..yes that is an oldie but a goodie. I first heard it about ten years ago when it was a "true" story coming out of Victoria. Seems this one is fated to go along the line of the jacket wearing kangaroo, the dynamited stump and the rabbit with the hand grenade. They were all "true" stories too and I have heard versions of them in just about every state told by people who swear black and blue it is trueand it happened to a relative of thiers
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  10. #295
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

    She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

    She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

    As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it.

    The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

    The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

    "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

    "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

    The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

    Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  11. #296
    Member Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Gees - I hate door to door salespeople, one knocked the other day selling sperm, Boy did I give her a mouthful.

  12. #297
    Senior Member bb1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Poem about our Australian summer
    Extremely touching and thought provoking!!
    Today I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me and it's very well written; I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....

    'An Aussie Summer '
    a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre




    ****, It's HOT !

  13. #298
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Oldie but a goodie
    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

    The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

    L: Have you any grounds?

    P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

    L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

    P: It made of concrete.

    L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

    P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

    L: I mean. What are your relations like?

    P: All my relations still in Poland.

    L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

    P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

    L: Does your wife beat you up?

    P: No, I always up before her.

    L: Is your wife a nagger?

    P: No, she white.

    L: Why do you want this divorce?

    P: She going to kill me.

    L: What makes you think that?

    P: I got proof.

    L: What kind of proof?

    P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'.
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  14. #299
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Gynecologist Changes Careers

    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and health insurance
    paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
    hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.

    He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
    attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the
    practical exam approached, the gynecologist, who had prepared carefully for
    weeks, completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came
    back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

    Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear
    ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
    in the grade?"

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
    which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
    again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
    did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
    career."
    ~ Joanne ~

  15. #300
    Member Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Brought myself a new deoderant stick today.
    Instructions said "take off top & push up bottom'
    I'm still in causalty but my farts smell f#####n
    beautiful!

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