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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #301
    Senior Member just john's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    5 SECRETS TO A LONG RELATIONSHIP

    1.It's important to have a woman who helps at home,cooks,cleans &has a job
    2.It's important to
    have a woman who can make u laugh.
    3.It's important to have a woman u can trust & who would never lie
    4.It's important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with u.
    5.It's absolutely f*****g vital that these 4 *****es don't know each other.

  2. #302
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


    (1) Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Anything you say after this point is the beginning of a new argument.

    (2) Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    (3) Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    (4) Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    (5) Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    (6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    (7) Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

    (8) Whatever:Is a woman's way of saying F--YOU!

    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  3. #303
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Woman goes into doctors surgury
    "Doctor Doctor help me, I can't stop farting. The only good thing is that they dont smell"
    "Okay," says Doctor opening the window, "it will mean a small operation."
    Woman says, "What, will it be painfull?"
    "No no just an operation on your nose. Once we've cured that, we'll see to the other problem.
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  4. #304
    Member of Forum haireyscarie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    this bloke that mows lawns was sitting in his car doing paper work in a town up the coast from were he lives..
    when this crazy guy comes up and taps on the window and say hey mate you cant come up here to my town and mow ,,i dont go down to your town and mow..
    he starts to explain that it is contract work y he is here..
    then i start to piss myself .then the guys looks at me and says you bas#ard..i say hi mowjoe (Darrel Foster from Hastings Valley Mowing )

    good to put a face to you Darrel..
    sorry about my face there..


    LMFAO

    i was laughing for hours

    scarie
    []

  5. #305
    Senior Member Countrymile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Funny Stuff, wish we'd watched that one

  6. #306
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Nasty hairy..nasty but funny...poor mowjoe.. must have thought he had a right one.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  7. #307
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This is just about the best complaint letter I have ever read!

    http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editor...article/11975/
    ~ Joanne ~

  8. #308
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Grandma

    I liked this one. Grandma's now everything
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  9. #309
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

    After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

    The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

    The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

    The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

    The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

    The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

    'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

    'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o? clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the President of the Bank confidently.

    That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

    The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

    The president was happy to oblige.

    The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

    The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
    'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

  10. #310
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s ex , don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was g ay , thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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  11. #311
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and
    one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually
    drifted towards how best to spice up their *** lives.

    After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some
    S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

    Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end
    of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When
    all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a
    leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we
    made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

    The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When
    my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
    leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not
    only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

    The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for
    the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then
    put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter
    belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black
    mask, ready for action.

    When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down
    and yelled, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

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  12. #312
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

    He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

    He looked around and couldn't see any one.

    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

    'Pick me up.'

    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

    The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

    Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

    I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully,
    and placed it in his front pocket.

    The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
    I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

    'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

    With age comes wisdom.

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  13. #313
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
    teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn
    about thoroughbred horses.

    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided
    that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
    other.

    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
    when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
    the urinal.

    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
    and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
    'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

    As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
    well endowed.

    Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be
    in the 5th grade.'

    'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race.
    But I appreciate your help.'
    ~ Joanne ~

  14. #314
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lol....now who said being a jockey didn't have it's perks.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  15. #315
    Senior Member Countrymile's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall,
    Exceptionally handsome, extremely ***y, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

    The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......

    On one condition'

    Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

    The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....


    'Clean my house.'

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