Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #316
    Senior Member
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Looking at investing in a ride on mower and this caught my eye... what do you think?
    Attached Images Attached Images

  2. #317
    Member geejay's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    could be looking at the future,lol,hustler no 3,lol,
    geejay

  3. #318
    Member Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!
    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing !

  4. #319
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The local vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.There is a hush in the church.No one wants him to leave.

    Mike Smith who owns a local car dealership stands up & proclaims "I will give the vicar a new Holden and a Honda mini-van to his wife if he stays!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Sam Brown, a local entrepreneur and publican declares "If the vicar stays I will double his salary and establish a fund to provide for his childrens education!"

    More sighs and applause.

    Agnes Jones, aged 88, stands and says with a smile "If the vicar stays I will provide him with ***!"

    There is total silence.

    The blushing vicar asks "Mrs Jones whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Agnes's 90 year old husband Joe is now holding his head and trying to hide when Agnes answers "Well I just asked my husband what we could do to help and he said "F**k the vicar"

  5. #320
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Sorry another crack at Tasmainians.....

    A Tasmainian bloke takes his 16 year old daughter to the docs to get a prescription of contraception.....

    Doc asks, "So she's se*ually active already then??"
    Father replies, "Well not really, she just lies there like her Mother"

    Sorry guys
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  6. #321
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A cowboy & his wife had just got married & found a nice motel for their wedding night.The man approached the front desk & asked for a room.

    He said "We're on our honeymoon & we need a nice room with a strong bed!"

    The clerk winked & said "Do you want the Bridal?"

    The cowboy reflected on this for a moment & then replied...

    "Nope I reckon not.I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

  7. #322
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default The Man Rules

    We've all seen "The Rules" before - written by women!

    This is : THE MAN RULES

    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
    Finally, the guy’s side of the story.
    We always hear “The Rules” from the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are OUR rules!
    These are all numbered ‘#1’ on purpose.

    1. Men are not mind readers

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl – if it’s up, put it down
    We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear US complaining about you leaving it DOWN.

    1. Sunday sports is like the full moon or the changing of the tides - Let it be!

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want
    Let’s be clear on this one.
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    JUST SAY IT!

    1. YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it – that’s what we do!
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an arguement. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you think you are fat, you probably are so don’t ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not BOTH.
    If you already know how best to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever to have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. All men see only in 16 colours – like windows default settings.
    Peach, for example is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. I have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it WILL be scratched. We do that!

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine – really!

    1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as football or motor sports.

    1. You have enough clothes

    1. You have too many shoes

    1. I am in shape! Round IS a shape

    Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know I’ll have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  8. #323
    Senior Member BLACK BEAR's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    My wife & I were pi**ing ourselves laughing over this one!
    Its about time women heard what men had to say
    Well done Dave 10/10

  9. #324
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Top 10 ‘Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies:

    1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

    2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

    3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

    4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

    5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

    6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

    7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

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  10. #325
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This is even funnier when you realise it's real!

    Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

    Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

    He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

    Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
    She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

    Needless to say, she won.
    Read his letter below.


    ~Hi Sue,

    Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

    Last week I had a bad day at the office.

    I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

    Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
    As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

    It's a wet suit.

    This time of year the water is quite cool.

    So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
    This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.
    It heats it to a delightful temperature.
    It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

    Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
    What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

    This floods my whole suit with warm water.
    It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

    Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

    So, of course, I scratched it.

    This only made things worse.

    Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
    I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

    In agony I realized what had happened.

    The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

    Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

    When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

    I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

    His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

    Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

    I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

    When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

    As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

    The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

    So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

    Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

    Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
    ~ Joanne ~

  11. #326
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Please Support The Sponsors www.lawnmowingdirectory.com.au

    As they support this forum




    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  12. #327
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A stranger was seated next to a little girl on a plane when he turned to the little girl and said "Lets talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger"

    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger "OK what would you like to talk about?"

    "Oh I don't know, how about nuclear power" he said and smiled.

    "OK that could be an interesting subject" she said "but first let me ask you a question. A horse, a deer and a cow all eat the same thing - grass. And yet a horse produces clumps of dried grass, a deer produces small pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty.Why do you think this is so?"

    The stranger, visibly surprised by the girls intelligence, answers
    "Hmm, why I have no idea"

    To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

  13. #328
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books
    of a Synagogue.

    While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I
    notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
    drippings?"

    Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
    the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
    candles."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
    question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
    "What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
    crumbs?"

    Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
    trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
    back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free
    box of bread-wafers."

    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
    the "know-it-all" Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do
    with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
    all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
    year they send us a complete dick!"

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  14. #329
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I laughed till I cried at this one!
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  15. #330
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Top 10 ‘Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies:

    Quote Originally Posted by administrator
    Top 10 ‘Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies:

    1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

    2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

    3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

    4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

    5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

    6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

    7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
    Hey Admin! You promised us the Top 10 but only delivered 7.
    That's okay, here is another three...

    8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
    your PC for my response.

    9. I've run away to join a different circus.

    10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
    reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
    "John".
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

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