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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #331
    Senior Member Ability's Avatar
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  2. #332
    Member Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Beep Beep!

    A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

    They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

    After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow,
    She’s fat!

    The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

    A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
    As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

    The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

    The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

    After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

    Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

    The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

  3. #333
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    Jimmie had married a woman from New Zealand he bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a lawnmowing contractor.
    ~ Joanne ~

  4. #334
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs HMS
    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    Jimmie had married a woman from New Zealand he bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a lawnmowing contractor.

    LMAO....so funny....I reckon I have know a few aussie girls like this
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  5. #335
    Member of Forum Stripes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Talking Clock

    Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment
    to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to
    his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

    'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

    'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he
    drunkenly replied.

    'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

    'Yup.'

    'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

    'Just watch' he said.

    He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering
    bash' and stepped back.

    His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment
    in astounded silence.

    Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the
    wall screamed,

    'For f*#k's sake, you stupid c**t . It's ten past three
    in the f*#king morning !!!'

  6. #336
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have
    a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
    staggering sum of one Euro.
    Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
    with one large sausage.
    Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money
    left at all!'
    Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered
    two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

    Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
    trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

    Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

    They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the
    sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and
    put it in your mouth.'

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more
    drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can
    do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

    Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember
    which pub I lost the sausage in.'




  7. #337
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    David
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Keith had been in Police work for 38 years.He finally got sick of the job,quits & buys 50 acres in the outback as far away as possible.

    He sees the postie once a week & gets groceries once a month.

    After 6 months of total isolation, he gets a knock on his front door. He opens it & a huge bearded man is standing there.

    "Names Cliff,your neighbour from 40 miles up the road.Having a Xmas party Friday night,thought you might like to come up around 5.00..."

    "Great" says Keith,"after 6 months I'm ready to meet some of the locals, thank you"

    As Cliff is leaving he says "Gotta warn you, there'll be some drinkin' "

    "Not a problem" says Keith "after 25 years in the police force I can drink with the best of them"

    As the big man Cliff is ready to leave, he stops & says "More'n likely be some fightin' too"

    "Well I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll see you there. Thanks again"

    Again, the big man Cliff starts to leave & stops to say "More'n likely be some wild *** too"

    "Now thats really not a problem" says Keith,warming to the idea "I've been alone for 6 months!I'll definitely be there. I could root the hairs on a barbers floor.
    By the way, what should I wear?"

    "Don't matter much. Just gonna be the two of us"

  9. #339
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A ringer from a huge cattle station appeared in front of St Peter at the pearly gates.

    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit" St Peter asked.

    "Well, I can think of one thing" the ringer offered "once when I was travelling the back blocks of Broken Hill, I came across a gang of bikies who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the biggest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground"

    "I yelled out, now back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya's!"

    St Peter was impressed, "When did this happen then?"

    "Oh, just a couple of minutes ago..."

  10. #340
    Dedicated Member Cranbourne Lawnmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Apparently,heaven is getting too crowded so the powers that be,decided that for now on to get in you have to of had a really crappy day when you die.
    First day of the new rules a fellow gets to the gates.the gatekeeper askes, How was your day? the fellow says,Well I got home to my 25th floor apartment and found that my wife was having an affair. But I couldn’t find the mongrel anywhere,I looked everywhere and I was just about to give up when I found him hanging by his finger tips off the balcony.So I start stomping on his fingers and he falls but doesn’t quite die, all the trees and bushes broke his fall. I thought what will i do? So I drag the fridge out,push it over the top of the balcony it lands on top of him and kills him.
    Thing is I got so excited cheering and jumping up and down that I had a heart attack and died.
    Well that sounds like a pretty bad day, in you go says the gatekeeper.
    2nd bloke turnes up at the gate.Same thing how was your day. Well, says the bloke.I was on my 26th floor balcony doing my daily exercises and I tripped and fell over the edge, I didn’t die though cause I just caught the balcony below with my finger tips. Next thing this crazy bastard starts stomping on my fingers,but I didn’t die cause all the trees and bushes broke my fall, then this fridge comes flying over the edge and lands on top of me and I died. Well thats a pretty bad day,in you go says the gatekeeper.
    3rd bloke turns up at the gate. Gatekeeper askes how was your day? Well….he says. Picture this. I’m friggen naked right..and I’m in this fridge…....

  11. #341
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

    She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

    Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

    "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
    ~ Joanne ~

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    Senior Member m287j's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love,Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,they were still very much in love.

    While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host,
    'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your
    wife those loving pet names'The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old ***** what her name is.'

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    Senior Member m287j's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Good advise from a cabbie

    A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While on his way home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.

    Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

    The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

    HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
    HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
    HE paid for your Maple Leafs season tickets.
    HE paid for your Argonauts season tickets.
    HE paid for our lake front house in Cobourg.
    HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Muskoka.
    HE paid for our speed boat.
    HE paid for your country club membership, and...
    HE even pays for your monthly dues!'

    Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
    The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his a*s with that blanket before he catches a cold.

  14. #344
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Electric Fence

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard
    about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this
    never happened to me I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top
    of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had,
    made for 26 miles of fence.

    I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
    ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
    fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp big wheel push
    mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
    that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached
    down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing
    there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt
    fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a
    marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my
    body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing
    in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
    could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It
    seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawn mower were fighting over who
    would control my electrical impulses.
    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ.

    Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
    less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time
    is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your
    pants 3 times.

    It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
    together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At
    this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
    fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

    I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...but Dad always had
    those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and
    just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.

    The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
    permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

    At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until
    the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the
    tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
    run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in
    poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God,
    please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
    idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
    the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my
    own backyard, begging God to kill me.
    God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to
    writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the
    ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on
    in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where
    I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had
    laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
    seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the
    left, just the right).
    3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
    might think.
    4- My left eye will not open.
    5- My right eye will not close.
    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumna***** now. Seriously! I think our little
    session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than
    new after that.
    7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
    number 4 (still don't understand this?)

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
    appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
    the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
    clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a
    warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
    mow.

  15. #345
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    OMG...can't speak.....
    ~ Joanne ~

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