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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #346
    Senior Member geoff's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Every now and again, a pearl comes along.



    On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to
    Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen
    over. As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices
    that someone has "peed" on the ice and left the
    message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

    Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense
    spared" and to report within two weeks.

    Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ....."our
    investigation is over and I have three pieces of
    news for you... good news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

    Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We
    spent $5 million dollars on the investigation
    and have come to a successful result."

    Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

    The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne
    Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

    Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"



    The ASIO chief replies..." it’s Julia Gillard’s hand writing".

  2. #347
    Senior Member geoff's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    God and Grass - Isn't THIS the truth!

    GOD:
    Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

    ST. FRANCIS:
    It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

    GOD :
    Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
    growing there?

    ST. FRANCIS:
    Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
    GOD:
    The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
    ST. FRANCIS :
    Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.
    GOD :
    They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
    ST. FRANCIS:
    Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
    GOD:
    They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
    ST. FRANCIS :
    No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
    GOD :
    Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
    ST. FRANCIS :
    Yes, Sir.
    GOD :
    These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
    ST. FRANCIS:
    You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
    GOD:
    What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
    ST. FRANCIS :
    You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
    GOD :
    No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
    ST. FRANCIS :
    After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
    GOD:
    And where do they get this mulch?
    ST. FRANCIS :
    They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
    GOD :
    Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
    St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
    ST. CATHERINE:
    "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....

    GOD:
    Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

  3. #348
    Senior Member geoff's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

  4. #349
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    Talking Re: Jokes R Us

    When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

    When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    In Senior High School I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

    When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

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  5. #350
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing ***ual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
    Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having *** tonight either.......but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

  6. #351
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old.

    It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
    "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

    It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in..

    "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
    "No problem," he says. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

    Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

    Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"

  7. #352
    Dedicated Member Cranbourne Lawnmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Simon's motor mower had broken down. His wife, Maria, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass grew too tall, but the message wasn't getting through, and Simon kept procrastinating and putting off doing the repairs.

    Frustrated, Maria decided on what she thought was a clever way to make her point. When Simon arrived home from work, he found Maria sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.

    Simon, totally amazed, watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house only to appear again a few minutes later where he handed her a toothbrush.

    'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks,' said Simon ungraciously.

  8. #353
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do...

    'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

    'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.. 'She's having babies.'

    'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

    I was equally outraged.

    'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

    'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

    'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

    'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

    'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it...

    'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth..'

    'Oh, gross!' they shrieked!

    'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted...

    'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

    'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

    'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
    It disappeared and I tried several more times with the same results.

    'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged..

    'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for goodness sake.).

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested Scientifically...

    'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside

    'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

    'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.......

    Ernie is a boy you see, Ernie is actually a young male and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they
    um . . um . . .. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    'So, Ernie's just,...just ......excited,' my wife offered.

    'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

    More silence.

    Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly....

    'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its..... teeny little...' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car..

    He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

    'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.

    One cage: $50..

    Trip to the vet: $30.

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

    Priceless!

    Moral of the story:

    Pay attention in biology class.

    Lizards lay eggs!
    ~ Joanne ~

  9. #354
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

    Satan: 'Why so glum?'

    Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

    Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

    Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

    Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

    Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

    Satan: 'You a smoker?'

    Guy: 'You better believe it'

    Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

    Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

    Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.' Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

    Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

    Guy: 'Cool!'

    Satan: 'What about drugs?'

    Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?'

    Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

    Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

    Satan: 'You ***?'

    Guy: 'No.'

    Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough.'

  10. #355
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for
    breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
    Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher.

    Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.'

    Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had f**k all', he says, 'F-*-*-K A-L-L'

    The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

    Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. She remembers Johnny's rude answer and decides to give him a very difficult question.

    'Where is the Pakistani border?'

    'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my Mum. That's why I got f**k all for breakfast'.

  11. #356
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra.

    Nothing is moving.

    Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

    The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

    'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Simon Crean.

    They're asking for a $10 million ransom.

    Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

    We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

    The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

    ' Most people are giving about a Five Litres.'

  12. #357
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Internet Warning:

    If you get an e-mail titled - ‘Nude photo of Julia Gillard’, don't open it..it contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard.



  13. #358
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).

    Irony is that they received not one complaint! The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.



    This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


    Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

    Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks and losing her slass glipper.

    The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fassive mart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

    THE END.

  14. #359
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    In a recent survey, people who are Collingwood supporters have proved to be the most likely to have had *** in the shower!




    In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Collingwood supporters said that they have enjoyed *** in the shower.




    The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.










    I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it!!!
    I live in my own little world, but it's okay, they know me there!!!
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  15. #360
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    you don't really expect us to believe that 86% of collingwood supporters have had showers do you
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

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