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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #361
    Dedicated Member Cranbourne Lawnmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Paul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Paul, sell your business." He ignores it.

    It goes on for days. "Paul, sell your business for $3 million."

    After weeks of this, he relents, and sells his store.

    The voice says ‘Paul, go to the casino." He asks why.

    "Paul, take the $3 million to the casino."

    He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Paul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."

    He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

    "Paul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Paul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

    "Paul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

    "Paul, take another card," the voice commands.

    I have twenty! Paul shouts.

    "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

    Hit me,Paul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

    The booming voice goes: "un-***king-believable!"

  2. #362
    Guest redbackmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    it's just been revealed that the latest dust storm has been caused by St Kilda AFL club apparently opening their trophy cabinet.

  3. #363
    Senior Member just john's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Dont be stupid we ALL know they dont have a trophy cabinet

  4. #364
    Senior Member just john's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Teacher asks the class to come up with some words that end in 'TOR' that eats things.First little boy says ''alligator'' .''Very good ,thats a big word'' says the teacher.2nd boy says ''predator''..''yes thats another good word'' replies the teacher.A little girl up the back of the class sticks up her hand and shouts out ''vibrator miss''.After nearly falling off her chair,she says ''thats a big word but a vibrator doesn't eat anything''.The little girl replied''Well my sister has one and she says it eats f---ing batteries''

  5. #365
    Member geoff1969's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    a blind man applies for a job in a timber yard and claims he can identify any type of lumber just by smelling it from ten feet away .
    so the manager takes him up on it and wants proof he can live up to what he claims .
    so the manager send a worker out into the yard to collect 5 diffrent timber samples to conduct the test with .
    thay place them on the bench and let the blind man smell them from ten feet away and in the matter of minutes correctly identifys them all .
    suprised at this the manger decided to have some fun with him and asked the secretary to strip off naked and lay on the bench to which she did , the blind bloke was told theres another sample to be tested ,
    so he stood back and took a deep long sniff of the sample and steped back and scratched his head slightly confused then asked if the sample could be turned over so he could sample sniff the other side .
    the manger agreed it was only fair so 2 workers rolled the secretary onto her stomach
    the blind man the took another long sniff , still a bit confused he steped back thought for a few moments then replied
    you all cant fool me im not that stupid
    its an old **** house door off a fishing boat

  6. #366
    Senior Member just john's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    What do you call a chicken crossing the road.? Poultry in motion


    THIS ONE HURTS

    Whats the difference between an Arsonist and the Dragons?

    An Arsonists wouldn't waste 26 matches

  7. #367
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

    "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

    "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

    "You idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

    "Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f#*^ing scared to cough!!!!"

  8. #368
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I did a quote to day and the ladys name was *** so when I got there i said to here you must be *** and here husband go no she is not lol lol he was mucking around.lol

  9. #369
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    How is G@y a swear word admin.

  10. #370
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Welsh man buys
    several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.



    After
    several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
    phones a vet for help.







    The vet tells him that
    he should try artificial insemination.







    The farmer doesn't
    have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
    ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.







    The vet
    tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and
    wallow in grass when



    they are
    pregnant.



    The man hangs up and
    gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination
    means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.







    So, he loads the sheep
    into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has *** with them all,
    brings them back, and goes to bed.



    Next morning, he wakes
    and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
    deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.







    He drives
    them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them
    back, and goes to bed



    exhausted.



    Next morning, he wakes
    to find the sheep still just standing round.







    Try again. he tells
    himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He
    spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into
    bed.



    The next morning, he
    cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.







    He asks his wife to
    look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.








    No, she says,







    they're all in the
    Land Rover,



    and
    one of them is beeping the horn.

  11. #371
    Guest redbackmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    BBQ RULES
    We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    Routine...
    (1) The woman buys the food.
    (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
    (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

    Here comes the important part:
    (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More routine...
    (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
    (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

    Important again:
    (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More routine...
    (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

    (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:
    (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

    (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

  12. #372
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by redbackmowing
    BBQ RULES
    We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    Routine...
    (1) The woman buys the food.
    (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
    (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

    Here comes the important part:
    (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More routine...
    (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
    (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

    Important again:
    (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More routine...
    (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

    (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:
    (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

    (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
    admin i think this is in the wrong section as it's not really a joke just a statement of how things should be even though i will say if the woman gives an annoyed look it's time to get another one that has been trained properly
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  13. #373
    Senior Member The Local Gardener's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by ian
    admin i think this is in the wrong section as it's not really a joke just a statement of how things should be even though i will say if the woman gives an annoyed look it's time to get another one that has been trained properly

    Why can't Greek's play soccer?

    because everytime they take a corner, they build a fish and chip shop on it!!!!!!

    I have a greek background so i can afford to take the piss out of my own culture......

  14. #374
    Senior Member Bgs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by The Local Gardener
    Why can't Greek's play soccer?

    because everytime they take a corner, they build a fish and chip shop on it!!!!!!

    I have a greek background so i can afford to take the piss out of my own culture......
    In Brisbane that joke would be why cant Asians play soccer

  15. #375
    Senior Member The Local Gardener's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Bgs
    In Brisbane that joke would be why cant Asians play soccer
    why do greeks wear gold chains around their necks??

    so they know, where to stop shaving...

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