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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #376
    Guest redbackmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This lady goes to the doctor complaining of bad chest pains. The doctor sits her down & asks "what's happened".

    She said " well i went to the country music muster last night & got lucky. i took one of the country singers home & made passionate love."

    'ok' the doctor said. 'take off your top & i'll have a look'. She removes her top.

    The doctor yells 'WTF you have three teeth embedded in your breast! who the hell did you sleep with last night'

    she replied 'Chad Morgan'

  2. #377
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

    He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

    The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' DA fingers and I'll see what OI can do'.

    Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got DA fingers.'

    'Whadda ya mean you haven't got DA fingers?
    Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
    We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
    I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
    Why didn't ya bring DA fingers?!?'

    And Paddy said,

    ' How DA fock was I 'spose to pick them up????

  3. #378
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye
    Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

    He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

    The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' DA fingers and I'll see what OI can do'.

    Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got DA fingers.'

    'Whadda ya mean you haven't got DA fingers?
    Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
    We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
    I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
    Why didn't ya bring DA fingers?!?'

    And Paddy said,

    ' How DA fock was I 'spose to pick them up????
    he then walks into a bar. holds up a hand to the bartender. Bartender says '5 stubbies coming right up'

  4. #379
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

    She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.



    On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.



    Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'



    'About 32,' is the reply.



    'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.



    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.



    The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'



    The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'



    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.



    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.



    The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'



    Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'



    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.



    He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.



    It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.



    Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'



    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.



    She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'



    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.



    He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.



    He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.



    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay ... how old am I?'



    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'



    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'



    The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'



    'I promise I won't,' she says.



    'I was behind you at McDonalds..'

  5. #380
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the men’s toilet.

    A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the men’s room. A little later, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

    The barman goes into the toilet to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
    "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

    "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."

    The barman opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
    ~ Joanne ~

  6. #381
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging

    Her breasts.Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower,

    Rub your chest and say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger

    Boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months!

    To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!



    One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a

    Panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

    Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite

    The little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of

    The bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies,

    I want bigger boobies.'


    A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you

    a patient of Dr. Smith's?' 'Yes I am.. How did you know?'





    He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'

  7. #382
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL - CITY OF BANKSTOWN - MATHEMATICS EXAM


    NAME ......................................... GANG........................................


    Time allowed 1 hour


    1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on
    stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from
    the stock suspension?


    2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors
    will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00 pm ?


    3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl,
    then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown , how many
    kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in WileyPark?



    4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an '8 ball' to Hamil for
    $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram. What is the street
    value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it.?



    5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from
    Centrelink, also works for his brother as a builder and receives a
    further $400.00 per week, and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his
    11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a
    smashed Tarago from the auctions?


    6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average
    letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray
    with 3 cans of paint?


    7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair,
    and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?


    8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out
    of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many
    drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?


    9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every
    18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil
    if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?



    10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on
    weekends and earns $1, 200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give
    him for his job search allowance?

  8. #383
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Half-Wit









    A man owned a small farm in Australia.

    The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
    I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them, demanded the rep.
    Well, replied the farmer, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.

    I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday.
    The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.

    Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

    That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit, says the agent.

    Well that would be me, replied the farmer. – what do you want to know!

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    Carrum downs Dandenong Doveton

  9. #384
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
    Hardware store when they collide.
    The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
    Wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
    The young guy says, "That's a coincidence. I'm also looking for my wife
    I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
    The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does yourWife look like?"
    The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
    Blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
    Halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
    The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's just look for yours.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  10. #385
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    As Clint once said...

    A man's got to know his limitations

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ti3UL_mVHHI

    But I really have to give him points for dogged determination.
    ~ Joanne ~

  11. #386
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A handsome young man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
    For the sake of keeping it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.



    A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
    He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

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  12. #387
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Magician worked on a cruise ship.

    The audience was different each week so the magician did the
    same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem:
    the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
    understand how the magician did every trick.

    Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
    'Look, it's not the same hat!' or 'Look, he's hiding the flowers
    under the table!' or 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
    spades?'

    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
    all, the captain's parrot.

    Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
    drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found
    himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with,
    and as fate would have it, the parrot.

    They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
    This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days.
    Finally on The 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and
    said......

    'O K , I give up. Where's the f*ck ing ship?'
    ~ Joanne ~

  13. #388
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your Hand out of there!"

    She shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

    The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.

    One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
    After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." What do you mean?" he asks.

    "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
    "Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!"

    "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as Teeth down there!"
    "Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

    "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down
    her pants and gives him a little peek.

    "No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

    "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

    The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

  14. #389
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

    And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

    How stupid are we?

    Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a super model I just happen to run into the next day!

    What a bunch of utter bull****.

    Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

    **** 'em!!

    If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

    I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times I don't ****ing care.

    Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

    The point being?

    If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

    If it's funny, send it on.

    Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

    Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

    Have a nice day.

    Billy Connolly

    PS And for all those that cause trouble and leave bull**** on forums Send me 15 bucks and then **** off.
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  15. #390
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Oh how I love Billy. My sister and I went to his last Melbourne show. I never knew you could laugh so much and so hard you could actually be in pain.
    ~ Joanne ~

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