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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #391
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    THE TRUCKIE.....

    A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
    outside Kalgoorlie.

    He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your
    ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

    The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have
    one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

    The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

  2. #392
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

    The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

    The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.

    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
    you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.

    Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these b*tches would keep their mouths shut".

    The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

    Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

  3. #393
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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  4. #394
    Guest redbackmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye
    could of put any idol song in there.

  5. #395
    Senior Member MOWON's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    WATER

    It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each
    day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
    E-coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo
    of sh*t.

    WINE

    We do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer
    or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
    process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.


    WATER = sh*t
    WINE = HEALTH


    FREE YOURSELF OF sh*t ... DRINK WINE

    It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than it is to drink water and
    be full of sh*t

  6. #396
    Member Of forum lenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    What is the difference between Santa claus and Tiger Woods?

    Santa stops at 3 Ho's.!!!!

  7. #397
    Member Andy B's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Here's one, hope it makes you laugh.

    There was this little horny ant wondering around the jungle looking for a root. Everywhere he went he was knocked back. He asked every female he came across but never ever got lucky. But he was determined because he knew if he played the odds he will eventually get what he's after.

    Weeks and months past and eventually he came across a female elephant. Not willing to let an opportunity go by he fronted up the the elephant and said "How about a root?" to which the elephant replied "You're an ant." He was determined, he was sick of wondering the jungle and something in his puny little brain twigged... this is the one, I'll wear her down!

    He persisted and asked the elephant over and over again "How about a root?" the elephant always replied in the same negative way "You're an ant." The little ant had heard somewhere that if you want something bad enough you should never give up. So he continued asking and the elephant continued replying in the same way. He hoped that he would eventually wear the elephant down and she would say yes. Well one day she did! He said in his usual fashion "How about a root?" and the elephant eventually agreed and said "You go for it, what have I got to lose."

    So the little ant walked around to the elephants back leg and climbed the long journey to the top and started having his way with the elephant! Almost immediately and by shear coincidence a coconut fell onto the elephants head and the elephant let out a cry "Aarr". The ant upon hearing this said "Yeah take it all B***h."

  8. #398
    Guest redbackmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    ¡ǝɯ ƃuı#ıHS sı ʞɔǝu ʎɯ uı ʞuıʞ sıɥʇ

  9. #399
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by redbackmowing
    ¡ǝɯ ƃuı#ıHS sı ʞɔǝu ʎɯ uı ʞuıʞ sıɥʇ

    Hey

    Look at that I can read Russian..lol
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  10. #400
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large boobs.

    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

    When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

    No one speaks.

    The old lady thinks:
    Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

    The blonde girl thinks:
    Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him..

    Obama thinks:
    Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

    George Bush thinks:
    I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  11. #401
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



    The bank manager looks back at her and says...

    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

  12. #402
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  13. #403
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

    He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

    The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

    He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

    Holding the bucket up he said,

    'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

    Moral:

    Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
    ~ Joanne ~

  14. #404
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lol....I resemble that remark
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  15. #405
    Senior Member DavidS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Drinking with a Blonde Aussie Girl

    An Indian, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde girl are in the same bar.

    When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
    He says, 'In India, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

    The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
    He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

    The blonde girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45,
    and shoots the Indian and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar and calling for a refill, she says,

    'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same arseholes twice.'


    ‘God Bless Australia ‘.

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