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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #406
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Black Testicles

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

    A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

    Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

    'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

    He struggles to ask again,

    'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

    Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

    'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

    ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  2. #407
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    ** A BIT RUDE**
    Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

    She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
    Bruce came running in.

    "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
    "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."
    They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
    "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."

    "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
    "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
    "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

    "Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
    "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

  3. #408
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head...
    In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

    The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

    The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
    ~ Joanne ~

  4. #409
    Member of Forum starmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The two guy from small country go to work for few months in England, and after few months the one is coming back with new Mercedes car and the wife of other guy ask him: where is my husband and how he coming back?
    The guy answer to her: He will come back with train.
    And wife say: Oh my god where he will park the train.

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  6. #411
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Subject: How To Wash A Toilet !!!















    How to wash a toilet


    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

    4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

    6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

    9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


    Yours Sincerely,
    The Dog.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #412
    Member courty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was Climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
    In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
    The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
    'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth Timber from a 'recreational area' . . .
    I'm sorry but they all turned me down.

  8. #413
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    4 blokes go on a hunting trip.

    Their tents only have room for two men in each.
    No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

    They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.

    The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
    His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
    He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

    The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

    The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
    His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
    He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'

    The third night was Frank's turn.

    Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.
    The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
    'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
    His mates can't believe it.

    They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
    Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
    Then, he sat up and watched me all night.
    ~ Joanne ~

  9. #414
    Senior Member Anjaryan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A very handsome man is drinking at a bar when a girl walks up to him n says: what are u drinking?
    Man: magic beer
    Girl: what does it do?
    Man takes a sip, flys out the window, touches the clouds and comes back
    Girl: wow!! I wanna drink magic beer too
    Man: bartender, give her what im drinking Girl finishes the drink, jumps out the window, falls and dies
    Bartender: superman ur an asshole when ur drunk

  10. #415
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Dilbert's Salary Theorem

    Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

    Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
    Postulate 2: Time is Money.

    As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

    Since: Knowledge = Power,
    then Knowledge = Work/Time,
    and Time = Money,
    then Knowledge = Work/Money.

    Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
    Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity,
    regardless of the amount of work done.

    Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  11. #416
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us





    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #417
    Senior Member Anjaryan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye


  13. #418
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN.

    The only question asked was :
    "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

    1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    2. In Western Europe they didn't know what “shortage” meant.
    3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
    5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant
    6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant
    7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
    8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  14. #419
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Indian With One Testicle

    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

    He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

    Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

    Why ???

    OH, come on... take a guess !!!

    Think about it !!!

    You're going to love this !!!

    Everyone knows...

    You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

  15. #420
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I did not to know what to put this under But to day was doing a job and there is a bus sheltor there and some indian\barley woman was there any way when I drive of she is behind the shelter taking a piss that is discory channel **** right there sure made my day a real moral boster...

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