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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #421
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    THE WEDDING TEST

    There was a very happy man. He had a wonderful girlfriend whom he had been dating for over a year, and so they decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering him...It was her beautiful younger sister.

    His prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when he was nearby so that he always got more than a nice view.

    It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day the "little" sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he arrived, and she whispered to him that she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn't overcome.. She told him that she wanted him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister.

    The man was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

    He was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, opened it and headed straight towards his car.

    Lo and behold, his entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, the future father-in-law hugged the man and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


    And the moral of this story is:


    Always keep your condoms in your car.
    ~ Joanne ~

  2. #422
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
    faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for
    his nurse to come near.

    "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

    "I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I
    die", whispered the priest.

    "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

    The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

    Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne
    Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

    As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne , "I don't know
    why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our
    images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm
    *IN IT TO WIN IT*". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

    When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevin’s hand in
    his right hand and Wayne ’s hand in his left.

    There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

    Finally Kevin Rudd spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
    chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

    The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
    after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

    "Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne .

    The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would
    like to do the same."
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  3. #423
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint



    when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

    'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'




    The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'




    So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.







    The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
    A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

    The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

    The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


    'Hey you!'





    So the koala looked down at him and said,

    'Faaaaaaaark dude....
    How much water did you drink??!'

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  4. #424
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Little bloke comes in to a Northern Territory bar, dragging a large salty behind him on a rope, and fronts the barman.

    "Begorrah and top of the mornin' to ya" he greets the barman in a thick Irish brogue, "and would you be after serving Prot'stants in this fine establishment?"

    Not about to argue with a man holding a 15-foot crocodile, the barman stammered "Well, yes ... yes we do!"

    "Fine" said the little Irishman, "Den it's a pot 'o Stout for me, and a Prot'stant fur me friend".




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #425
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    What is the world coming to Know the have insurance for O.G Gansters..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX1jM...eature=related
    But if you aint ''STIHL'' you aint real....

  6. #426
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

    The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

    She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

    The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here .."

    The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

    The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her
    seat. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here . "

    The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

    The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

    He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I’m sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy . . .

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

    "I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto".
    ~ Joanne ~

  7. #427
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Robert deniro on Saturday night live good stuff


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XMr3...eature=related
    But if you aint ''STIHL'' you aint real....

  8. #428
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Don't honk at old ladies....

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr8KrF8vNPM
    ~ Joanne ~

  9. #429
    Member Of Forum tizmee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blonde was speeding on the motorway when a police car pulled her over.

    The policeman walks up to the blonde and says...

    "Excuse me, could I please see your driving licence and registration?"

    The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says...

    "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


  10. #430
    Member Andy B's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Just got sent this one, hope no-one posted it already.


    If u think life is bad how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once , you only get smashed once and it takes four minutes to get hard , two minutes to get soft ,most of the time you have to share your box with eleven other guys and after 3 mins in the hot tub you get your head smashed in and your gutz ripped out , but worst of all the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!

  11. #431
    Member Andy B's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    My father sent me this asking what sort of husband I am.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oydSZTAns

  12. #432
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!






    A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
    They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
    "What are these, Dad?


    To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
    Condoms son. Men use them to have safe ***."

    "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
    Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
    He looks over the display and picks up a package of
    3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

    The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
    For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

    "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
    Asks, "Then who are these for?"

    "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
    For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

    "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
    Up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

    "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

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  13. #433
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The world's shortest joke:
    A baby seal walks into a club.........

  14. #434
    Member Andy B's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by imoww View Post
    The world's shortest joke:
    A baby seal walks into a club.........
    Stop you're hurting me. Lmao.

    Man goes to doctors for a peen-i extension . Doc suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for $4000. Man agrees . 6 weeks later while having dinner with the new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his c*ck flies out and steals some fruit off the table and goes back. "wow" she says " can i see u do that again?" He says my c*ck can but I don't think my ar5e can take another apple.

  15. #435
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    How do i post a pic on the forum?
    Ive got a cartoon or two to post

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