Every family has one IS IT YOU
Idiots
Two idiots drive to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station to anybody who purchases a full tank of gas. When they go inside to pay, the man asks theattendant about the contest.
The attendant says, "If you win, you're entitled to free ***," and the man asks how he can enter the contest. The attendant explains, "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free ***."
So the idiot fills up and asks to play the contest and says, "I Guess 7."
"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replies the attendant.
The next week, the two return to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asks the attendant if the contest is still going on. "Sure," replies the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free ***."
"2," says the idiot.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replies the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As the two idiots are walking back to the car, one idiot says to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," says the other idiot, "My wife won TWICE last week!"
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!! OI OI OI!!!
>>>
>>>Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
>>>Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
>>>Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
>>>shows on a Japanese TV.
>>>
>>>Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster
>>>than an ambulance.
>>>
>>>Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the Way
>>>to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy People
>>>can buy cigarettes at the front.
>>>
>>>Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
>>>and a DIET coke.
>>>
>>>Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
>>>to the counters.
>>>
>>>Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the
>>>drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
>>>
>>>Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and
>>>then have 'call-waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
>>>want to talk to in the first place.
>>>
>>>Only in Australia . are there disabled parking places in front of a
>>>skating rink.
>>>
>>>NOT TO MENTION...
>>>
>>>3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
>>>
>>>142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
>>>shirts.
>>>
>>>58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
>>>screwdrivers.
>>>
>>>31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
>>>the fairy lights were plugged in.
>>>
>>>8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
>>>cigarette in their mouth.
>>>
>>>A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years
>>>after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
>>>
>>>...and finally,
>>>
>>>In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
>>>toilet.
>>>
>>>
>>>IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOUR SELVE LOL
John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said,
>> "Peter
> I
>> have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country
>> voters." "Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.
>> "Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone
>> coats, some RM
> Williams
>> boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then
>> we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country
>> pub, we'll show them that we really at home there." "Right PM," said
>> Costello.
>>
>> Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they
>> set
> off
>> from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
>> just
>> the
>> place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked
in
> with
>> the dog and up to the bar.
>>
>> "G,day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your
>> best beer." "Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender,
>> "two middies of our best coming up".
>>
>> Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
>> chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a
> drink.
>> The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from
>> the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete
>> with stockwhip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with
>> the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked
>> back to the other bar.
>>
>> A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He
>> walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched
>> his
head
>> and
>> went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so,
> another
>> four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away
>> looking puzzled.
>>
>> Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called
>> the Barman over. "Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old
>> stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an
>> old outback custom?"
>> "Strewth no !" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and
told
>> them that there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"
A Golfing Accident (an oldie but a goodie)
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
Bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
Golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls
into a Pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted
up the tail, and sure enough, there was a Golfball with my wife's
monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's Butt.
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, This looks
like yours!"
I don't remember much after that.
keepem coming admin
*An Australian Love Poem
*(Who said Australians weren't romantic!)
Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very ***y
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the football's on
And fetch another beer.
By all Means... MARRY!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, so you can take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good considering the circumstances, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
The biker and the old lady...
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't
do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk
home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and an
anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a
couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now
had a
problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who
told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane.
I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady
suggested,
Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one
hand,put
a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"
Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley.
We'll be
there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said,
I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that
when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt,
and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two
chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against
the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the
anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens!"
Don't you just wish this was true )
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."