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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #451
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    GOD:
    Frank,
    you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
    going on down there on the planet? What happened to the
    dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

    St.
    FRANCIS:
    It's
    the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
    They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great
    lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

    GOD:
    Grass?
    But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
    butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's
    sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really
    want all that grass growing there?

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    Apparently
    so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
    They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
    any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

    GOD:
    The
    spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
    really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    Apparently
    not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
    twice a week.

    GOD:
    They
    cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    Not
    exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
    bags.

    GOD:
    They
    bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

    GOD:
    Now,
    let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
    grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw
    it away?

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    Yes, Sir.

    GOD:
    These
    Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
    the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
    saves them a lot of work.

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    You
    aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops
    growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of
    it.

    GOD:
    What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was
    a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
    leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
    In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural
    blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and
    bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    You
    better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
    circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
    piles and pay to have them hauled away.

    GOD:
    No!?
    What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
    winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

    GOD:
    And
    where do they get this mulch?

    ST.
    FRANCIS:
    They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

    GOD:
    Enough!
    I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're
    in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
    tonight?

    ST.
    CATHERINE:
    'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

    GOD:
    Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
    Francis.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #452
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Wow that's great! It keeps us in a job at least.

  3. #453
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricky, were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

    The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

    The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!'

    The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money!'

    The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

    'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

    George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving
    our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.'

    The group fell silent for a moment.

    The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, 'That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

    The Indian Doctor said, 'Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

    The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls.'

    The Aussie bricky said, 'Why can't the bastards play at night?'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #454
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

    Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

    He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

    Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

    "What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

    "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something s*xy to a tractor".




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #455
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Paraprosdokian

    A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.




    Paraprosdokian Sentences - wisdom in comedy

    PRICELESS!!!

    Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

    Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

    Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

    Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are ***y.

    Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

    Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

    Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

    Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    Ø There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.

    Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

    Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

    Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

    Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  6. #456
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir

    Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned

    out to be an optical Aleutian .



    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because

    it was a weapon of math disruption.



    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for

    littering.



    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result

    in Linoleum Blownapart.



    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are

    looking into it.



    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said

    to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the

    Grass.'



    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small

    medium at large.



    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now

    a seasoned veteran.



    17. A backward poet writes inverse.



    18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's

    your count that votes.



    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .



    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

    stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

    allowed per passenger.'



    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and

    says 'Dam!'



    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire

    in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you

    can't have your kayak and heat it too.



    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The

    other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a

    root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



    26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope

    that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

    .




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #457
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

    He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern
    education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

    'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

    'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

    So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

    About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

    'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe
    this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
    teach the animals how to read.'

    'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

    'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

    'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

    'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

    The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot the pr**k before he talks to your Mother!'

    'I sure did, Dad!'

    'That's my boy!'

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  8. #458
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    classic bluey!!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #459
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Woof woof woof.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  10. #460
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    stolen from an idiot on another site

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  11. #461
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery' 'What's dat, says his mate.

    'Send me lawn away to be cut'.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  12. #462
    Member Of Forum tizmee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Malcolm O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

    She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

    Malcolm said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

    'Oh, that is very nice indeed, Malcolm!' Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of Malcolm's drinking buddies on the street corner.

    The man chuckled leeringly and said, ' Mal won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

    She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'


  13. #463
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Did you hear about the lesbians who were building a house?
    There was not one stud to be seen.
    But lots of tongue in groove.

  14. #464
    Member Of Forum tizmee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!



    An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

    They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

    The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

  15. #465
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. In heaven they are confronted by St. Peter, who asks the first girl, 'Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'St. Peter says,'OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question. Jennifer is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well once I fondled and stroked one. St. Peter says, 'OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate. Suddenly there is a commotion in the line of girls, one of whom is pushing her way to the front of the queue. When she reaches the front St. Peter demands to know why she is in such a rush. The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Thelma sticks her arse in it'.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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