GOD:
Frank,
you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there on the planet? What happened to the
dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St.
FRANCIS:
It's
the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great
lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass?
But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's
sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really
want all that grass growing there?
ST.
FRANCIS:
Apparently
so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The
spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST.
FRANCIS:
Apparently
not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
twice a week.
GOD:
They
cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST.
FRANCIS:
Not
exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.
GOD:
They
bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST.
FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now,
let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw
it away?
ST.
FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These
Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work.
ST.
FRANCIS:
You
aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of
it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was
a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and
bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST.
FRANCIS:
You
better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!?
What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST.
FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And
where do they get this mulch?
ST.
FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough!
I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're
in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
ST.
CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.