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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #466
    Member Of Forum tizmee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


    Try this out:

    On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made
    by Johnson & Johnson...

    Be very sure you get this brand.

    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

    Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
    Open the package and remove the thermometer.

    Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    Now the fun part begins.

    Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

    "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

    'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

    HAVE A NICE DAY

    AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PITA THAN YOURS!
    ..Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.... then you are just an old sour fart.

    Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

  2. #467
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    ----- A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

    Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

    She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

    Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

    She again prays.. 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

    Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

    Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

    I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

    PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
    The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....
    'Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket.'
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  3. #468
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    HILLYBILLY DAYVORCE

    A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."

    The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres" The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

    The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

    The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"

    The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

    By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

  4. #469
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A husband takes his wife to play her first roundof golf.







    The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the

    biggest house adjacent to the course.



    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up

    there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going

    to cost us."



    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.







    A man's voice said, "Come on in."



    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all

    over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the

    broken window.



    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the

    window?"



    "Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.



    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a

    genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that

    you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give you each

    one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."







    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,

    "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."



    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And

    I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"







    "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.





    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in

    the world," she said.



    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from

    fire, burglary and natural disasters!"



    "Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"



    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman

    in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have *** with your wife."



    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now

    have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"







    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

    Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,

    honey?"



    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for

    you!"



    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the

    afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours of

    non-stop ***, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and

    asked, "How old are you and your husband?"



    "Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.







    "NO ****." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in

    genies?"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #470
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia

    He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'

    The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander.'

    The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!'

    The person says, 'I not Australian, I Vietnamese.'

    The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia!'

    That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!'

    He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?'

    She says, 'No, I am from Africa!'

    Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

    The African lady checks her watch and says....'Probably at work.

  6. #471
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
    He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
    Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

    At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

    The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

    Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

    Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

    Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Geoffrey.

    The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
    "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey.

    The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

    Again Geoffrey said no.

    Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?"
    Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the cu***t who pushed me in the Pool.
    Reply With Quote

  7. #472
    MEMBER Fred's mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    What did Mike Tyson say to Chopper Reed??????????????
    U eatin that????????????.
    Cheers Dean.

  8. #473
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Or Van Gogh.

    Except that they are from totally different periods in history so that doesn't really work.

    Quote Originally Posted by Adamandeves View Post
    What did Mike Tyson say to Chopper Reed??????????????
    U eatin that????????????.
    Cheers Dean.

  9. #474
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Merry christmas everyone
    Attached Images Attached Images




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #475
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    There were two blondes working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
    The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
    A man was watching from the footpath and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
    He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
    The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  11. #476
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #477
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    WOMAN'S DIARY
    28 July 2007 Saturday
    Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
    I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
    The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
    He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat..
    All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed.
    He didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
    I just knew that something was wrong.
    He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.
    He hesitated but followed.
    I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
    After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed.
    I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
    He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
    He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later
    To my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
    I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else

    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
    MAN'S DIARY:
    Saturday 28 July
    Footy team lost today
    Gutted
    Got a root though
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  13. #478
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England . She asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such
    an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

    "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Julia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

    The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"

    David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

    The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It
    is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."

    "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

    Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same
    question.

    " Wayne , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and
    it's not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I'm not sure," said Wayne . "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and
    asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

    Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall.

    Wayne asked, "Tony, can you answer this for me? Your Mother and Father have a child and it's not
    your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
    Tony yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
    Wayne smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Julia.

    "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Tony Abbott"

    Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, You idiot! It's the English
    Prime Minister, David Cameron!"


    AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN
    CANBERRA ..
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  14. #479
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Gotta love this Cop.

    A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, ***ual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

    When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

    The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

    On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

    Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

    Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

    "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
    underlined."

    "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

    "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

    "Aggressive and hostile?"

    "Yes, Sir.”

    "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

    “Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”



    ~~~~ How often can one get an lawyer to convict his own client~~~~
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  15. #480
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This made me laugh... Had a few experiences from the elecy fence in the past too.

    We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I

    heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.


    To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a

    single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle

    charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.


    I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.

    The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better

    the fence works.


    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Kmart 6hp bigwheel

    pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for

    a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and

    reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I

    hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.


    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and

    the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is

    about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow

    on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my

    balls trying to climb up the front side of my body My ears curled

    downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of

    my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the

    spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.



    It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting

    over who would control my electrical impulses.


    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to

    differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3

    different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of

    bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and

    BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were

    minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like

    exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.



    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the

    fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let

    go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad

    always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were

    like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8

    foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp

    Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have

    to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.


    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!


    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping

    run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

    Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God,

    please die... pleeeese die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy

    cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor

    waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.


    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in

    my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...

    he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own

    stupidity had created...


    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on

    the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was

    later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass

    spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot

    were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

    I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow

    let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I

    realized a few things.


    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
    3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
    4- My left eye will not open.
    5- My right eye will not close.
    6- The lawnmower runs like a sonofa***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
    7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
    8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)


    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I

    appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make

    sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.



    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can

    clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me

    a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before i mow.

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