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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #481
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

    One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times , reported the following:

    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught indigenous archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."




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  2. #482
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    That was a good one Neil. I had a good laugh on that and it was well written. Like you I can relate to leccy fences. Funniest thing I ever saw was my old mans taking a leak on one.
    Cheers

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  3. #483
    Member of forum johnnie5's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    car related but i am sure plenty will get a laugh

    http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f11/9...nions-1149721/

    '96 Jeep Cherokee: Need Opinions

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    So, my boyfriend bought a '96 Cherokee (XJ) SE, for way too much, like around $3,000. It broke down and he has put another $2,500 in it and totally rebuilt the engine and did a lot of after market work on it. He has and will do all the labor himself, he refuses to pay for labor. Now, he finds out that the motor needs to be taken back out and fixed again and is looking at another $700. I said he should just sell it and wipe his hands clean, he says he won't make enough.

    Firstly, what is your guys' opinion on what he should do? Secondly, how much do you think he could make parting it versus just the whole car as is?

    Thanks for your guys' opinions

    the reply

    You want my opinion? Ok…

    Shut the hell up. You’re not his wife. You’re not paying for the repairs. It’s absolutely none of your business what he does with his Jeep or his money. I know your type well… first it’s “Sell the Jeep because it’s costing too much money.” Then it’s “No, you can’t go spend the weekend with your buddies because I need you to take me shopping.” Then it’s “Oh gee, honey… I’m pregnant. Gosh, I have no idea how that happened.”

    You’re a DreamKiller. You kill a guy’s dreams, take away his future, tie him down with a fat mortgage and too many babies, and turn him into just another miserable guy wondering, “How the hell did I get here?”

    Do you really want to help him? Here’s what you do… go to your local library (it’s a big building with books inside) and check out a couple of books on rebuilding engines. Read them, over and over, until YOU understand what needs to be done. Then help him get that engine out and rebuild it. Tie your hair back in a ponytail, put on some old jeans and get your hands dirty. Hand him wrenches, hold the light, pull the wire connectors apart, help him get the hood off… help him with anything he needs. When he gets tired, run inside and make him a hot lunch or dinner. Fix him coffee, hot chocolate, whatever he wants. (But NO beer. Beer is for when the job is done.)

    Then when the day is over and you’re both exhausted from working on the engine, push him into a hot shower and jump in with him. Scrub his back, wash his hair, rinse him off, and dry him with fluffy towels still hot from the dryer. Then push him into bed and screw his ears off. Then get up the next day and do it all over again.

    Make him realize that rebuilding an engine is a slow and methodical process. Make him realize that every step should be regarded as surgery; every step must be perfect… perfect torque, perfect fit, perfectly clean. If you run into a step that you just can’t figure out, ask for help from someone who knows what he’s doing. Are you cute? Put on a low-cut top, show some cleavage and go (by yourself) to the local Jeep shop, and explain to the guys that you are helping your boyfriend to rebuild his engine and neither of you can figure out this one little step, and do they have any advice…

    Think it won’t work? Think again. We guys love to help cute girls, even if they have a boyfriend. (Hey, maybe you’ve got a sister, or girlfriend…)

    But absolutely DO NOT whine or complain. Do not say a single negative thing. Not a single “Oooooo, I broke a nail.” If you break a nail, or cut your finger, or bang a knuckle, you just shut up and DEAL WITH IT. You should be a hopelessly optomistic, never-say-die cheerleader, encouraging him every step of the way.

    That’s my opinion.

  4. #484
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man ask's his wife 'what would you do if i won lotto'?

    She answers ' i'd probably take half and leave you'

    He say's 'good i just won 6 bux, here's 3 now phuck off.

  5. #485
    Member geoff1969's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Neil&family View Post
    A man ask's his wife 'what would you do if i won lotto'?

    She answers ' i'd probably take half and leave you'

    He say's 'good i just won 6 bux, here's 3 now phuck off.
    top work mate thats excellent

  6. #486
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A truck driver was stranded by the floods for a week and out of sheer desperation he walks into a brothel and slaps $1000.00 on the counter. He says to the girl
    "Give me your ugliest girl and baked beans on toast!"
    "But Sir" She says
    "For $1000.00 you could have our most beautiful girl and a three course meal!"
    He replies
    "Listen sweet heart, I'm not horny I'm just homesick!

  7. #487
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Dating in the1960's

    It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

    He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

    'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she
    welcomed Fred in..

    'Have a seat in the living room.
    Would you like something to drink?
    Lemonade? Iced tea?'

    'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
    Mom brought the iced tea.

    'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'
    she asked.

    'Oh, probably catch a movie,
    and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
    the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

    'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

    'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

    'Oh yes,' the mother continued,
    'When she goes out with her friends,
    that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'

    'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
    'Yes,' said the mother.
    'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

    'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began
    thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

    A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs
    looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and
    a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back
    in a bouncy ponytail.
    She greeted Fred.

    'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

    Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue
    burst into the house and slammed the
    front door behind her.

    'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to
    her mother in the kitchen. 'The f**king dance is called the Twist !!!'
    "I'm not alone cause the tv's on yeah,I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills.... everyday" Jimmy Eat World

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  8. #488
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/
    this is worth a sticky

  9. #489
    Member Andy B's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    That's a crack up, love those two that just laugh everytime it shows them.

  10. #490
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"


    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.


    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."


    Phillip said, "Okay."



    He hung up the phone and counted to 30.



    Then he phoned the police again.


    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


    Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed..



    One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


    Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"




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  11. #491
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    an elderly couple were attending church service when the old lady whispered to her husband " I just did a silent fart, what should I do?", to which he replied "change the batteries in your hearing aid!"....

    boom, boom

  12. #492
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to
    jump off a bridge so he stops.


    "What are you doing?" he asks.
    "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.


    While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
    opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
    kiss?"

    So, she does. She then gets carried away, unzips his pants and gives him the
    best head job he has ever had.


    After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best *** I have
    ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
    Why are you committing suicide?"


    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

  13. #493
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the

    middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on

    the word ' Tragedy'.

    So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

    A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,

    is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that

    would be a tragedy.'

    'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'

    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children

    drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

    'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a

    great loss'.

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered.Gillard searched the

    room.

    'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

    Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and

    said:

    'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr.Garrett was

    struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a

    tragedy.'

    'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a

    tragedy?'

    'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, cos it definitely wouldn't be

    a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either!'

  14. #494
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    There was a young boy who was part Jewish and part Lebanese. He asked his mum one day, "Am I mostly Jewish or mostly Lebanese?"
    She said "you're just my son, but why would you ask me something like that?"
    He said
    "Well my mate wants to sell his bike for $50.00 and I'm not sure if I should haggle with him or just stab the c _ _ t and take it!"

  15. #495
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Aussie was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

    He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Aussie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
    "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Outback baby boy.."

    Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says"Say you're the father of that typical Aussie Outback baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

    Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two
    weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?

    The proud father answers, "Nineteen pounds".
    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? he was 25 pounds the day he was born."

    The father takes a slow swig from his Bundy Rum,wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

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