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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #496
    Member courty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for along, long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview .

    'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

    'Morris Fishbein,' he replied.

    'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'

    'For about 60 years.'

    '60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

    'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'

    'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

    'Like I'm talking to a ****in' wall""
    "I'm not alone cause the tv's on yeah,I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills.... everyday" Jimmy Eat World

    http://www.dreamlawnsandlandscapes.com

  2. #497
    Member courty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An elderly lady and man lived in an assisted living facility. They were not married to each other. Each night they would watch TV together. While doing so, the woman would grasp the man's penis. Nothing more, nothing less. This went on for weeks.

    One day, the man did not show up. For weeks following, the lady would wait for the man to show up but he never did. Finally, she figured that he had died, so she, too, stopped returning to the TV room.

    A few days later, she saw the man zooming around the courtyard in his wheelchair. In a huff, she approached the man and said, "What happened to you? I thought you were dead! Did you find someone else?"

    The man said, "Yes."

    "Well, is she prettier than me? What does she have that I don't?", replied the woman.

    The man paused for just a moment before answering,



    "Parkinsons."
    "I'm not alone cause the tv's on yeah,I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills.... everyday" Jimmy Eat World

    http://www.dreamlawnsandlandscapes.com

  3. #498
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    12 babies are in a ward, 11 of which are crying a screaming, Over in the corner Elton and David's baby is smiling serenely "Isn't it wonderful" says Elton "all these unhappy babies and yet ours is so happy, This just proves the superiority of gaay love" The Nurse comes over and says "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when I pull the Thermometer out of his arse".

  4. #499
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    What did George Michael say to Elton John when he was just about to sit down to play the piano?

    Can I push your stool in?

  5. #500
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
    She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
    you three wishes."

    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
    to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
    for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
    husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
    flock to".

    The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
    Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
    beautiful Woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
    The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the
    world and he will be ten times richer than you.
    The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
    his is mine."
    So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
    "I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

    Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop
    here and continue feeling good.....

    Male readers: Continue

    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!

    Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

    Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

    PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to
    show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after
    our advise to stop!

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  6. #501
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I might have to cancel my trip to Christchurch next week ..... My accommodation has fallen through; unless I stay with a couple of flat mates.

  7. #502
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Accommodation fell? Flat-mates? That's not funny
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  8. #503
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little
    5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
    that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.



    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

    One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
    empty lot.
    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
    the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
    workers.

    Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
    less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

    They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
    breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
    important.

    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
    containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
    suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank
    the next day to start a savings account.

    When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
    and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at
    such a young age.

    The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real
    construction crew building the new house next door to us."

    "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
    house again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied, "I will, if those ***kin' lazy pr!cks at Bunnings ever deliver
    the ***kin' gyprock..."

    Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

  9. #504
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Great punch line :
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  10. #505
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A young boy comes down for breakfast.
    Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.
    "Not yet," said the little boy.

    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

    Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

    When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

    When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

    Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, So you don't get any eggs for a week.

    I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

    I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,



    "You gonna tell him or should I?"

  11. #506
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    i thought these deserved to be remembered so before ebay can delete them i thought i would copy and paste where they belong
    thanks Redeye for this one

    This item has been relisted because ebay thought it was too rude....so i cleaned it up...... a bit.....
    For sale to highest bidder...
    Potable generator pure sine wave 2000 watts ....4 stroke...(ya need to stroke it 4 times to get the b@#%^*d started)

    Model XG-SF 2000

    X for Xtra complicated...G for not F^$%!@G.. Going....S for S%!#S sake!!...F for Fu$%^d if i know whats wrong with it !!...

    Oh and the 2000....thats how many freaking times i pull started it while my 3 beautiful women look on and say ..."Well Dad ...why cant you get it going!!".....will swap this for my sanity...if you have some spare...

    Hang on to your hats ...its a long story about this generator....here goes !!!

    Bought this thing from trading post some years ago......did 4 camping trips....usual things...lights computers etc....It did really well..

    Then we went on camping trip and could not for the life of me get it started !!! Did the normal S#!T as you do and checked spark plug.....nope.......checked the oil level....nope..... not that either....checked the Bl@@DY obvious.......petrol....Hmnnnn....lots of that too ...!!

    So dont flaming know....dont flaming care ....went out and bought another....either that or grumpy wife and 2 kids sitting in dark cursing me...(no freaking hair dryer....no freaking computer games...grumble..grumble.NO BL@@DY Facebook..OH S#!T....how am i going to survive ???!!!)

    So heres the story rory......

    its not FU#$!^G going. !!!!.some stupid little thing is wrong with it...

    So if you have way too much time on your hands or....are more mechanically minded than this numnut ....or just a knack for getting crap going is yours !!!

    No i will not post it ...so dont Bl@@DY bother asking.!

    No will not arrange courier....B%@@ered if i know the last time one of those showed up on right day ....never mind right hour...!!

    No there is no buy it now price either......

    Its heavy for its size .....oh and by the way it does not have the plastic side covers ........to make it look pretty...they went zinging off into the bush in a fit of rage and never found them...maybe some desperate Cramper used them as a plate to put his burnt steak and wilted salad on (yes i said Cramper...what idiot spends $500 to sleep on an inflatable bed ...gets no naughties and no sleep for 5 days ,covered in mozzy bites, got disentry, got hangover,and then says ..."aren't we having fun" ??....)..Bu$$ered if i know.

    Well hell i may as well add some more to the story....So Got off my deflating airbed......always happens...mind you its the only thing that went down on me that night.......had a Dingos breakfast.... A Wee .....and a bit of a look around....thanked the misses for nothing...and got in the car.....only to find that some idiot had left the boot open....so not only had a flat battery ...but a soggy boot.

    Closed the boot.......and tried to start the car...so i could go and empty my wallet in town and try to find a genarator that actually BL@@DY starts....the chap next door who also looked like he had been dragged in by the cat...offered to jumpstart the car....

    Now i am no expert with jump starting cars ....but i am almost sure the red lead goes on the red terminal..and the black on the black???...am i right or what...read on it gets worse..

    So after connecting the leads around the wrong way..managed to blow all the fuses........so replaced what i could from the one spare that the Japanese so kindly put in the fuse box...only one problem...i needed about 25 of them..

    Got the car started and went in too some place called "Tirraweena"....which i think is Aborigine for "where the hell is that "...

    No luck....no generator...2 horse town.Population 256 and a half...yet it had 4 pubs....so toddled off to "Coonabrabran"..which is Aboriginal for "close to where the hell is that"....walked in to store and tipped my wallet upside down....bought a masssively overpriced Honda generator and on the way out a bloke stopped me and asked if i could spare a smoke and 5 bucks....so I said NO because you will only spend it on booze and drugs.....and thats what i want to spend it on.....!!!!

    Amazing how people who dont have a cigarette always seem to have a light though...

    Reminds me of the fat chick leaning on bar and smoking away ...she turned to her friends and said" You know the only reason i smoke is to keep my weight down"...so I piped up and turned her and said..."You really need to start smoking them 5 at a time and smoke more".....

    So put the generator in boot and headed off to meet family who will be waiting to cheer me and clap and put me on their shoulders...like in the taco ad where the litle girl suggests a flat bottom to the taco....i hate smart%&se kids...I would have turkey slapped the little S#!T.

    Reminds me of when there was a young fella in a car with P plates on in front of me and he had one of those "NO FEAR" stickers on his back window.....so i did what any male would do...got out of my car and banged on his roof....he jumped about 5 miles in the air....he rolled down his window....i casually leaned over and said" Mate...your stickers not working" ...and got back in the car...

    Amazing how they have a $10,000 stereo in a $300 car !!

    So 1/2 way home got a flat tyre.....went to change it......wait for it....NO spare...i forgot that i used the spare to hold down the tent in the high winds last night.....because some tent mob thought it was a good idea to provide me with 4 inch pegs that resembled matchsticks.....so got on my intermittant mobile...see note following about my phone..and called the NRMA....yes it gets worse..my dutiful wife had not paid the membership.....she thought we could save money by not paying it.somthing about 30 years of no using it...or something...wasnt listening...anyway

    So after explaining to some dude (who i think was taling to in India) ...I finanaly broke thru the language barrier and found myself talking like Ghandi and was thinking....has anyone seen my elephant?....paid the dues after jumping up and down because i had been a member for 30 years and never used the service ....

    The patrol man came out and got a spare wheel from wherever they hide their $700 spares..probably with their $300 batteries....so bought an $1800 generator and a $700 wheel so far....are you keeping up ??

    Got back to campsite waiting for confetti and flag waiving...and the throng of voices saying"your the best daddy we love you"....only to find that they re all asleep....so didwhat any dutyful dad would do and sat on the horn....I think they all flew out the tent so fast the spare wheel nearly went with them...

    Got the new generator out and tried to start it.....hold on to your socks this bits great....!!!!....It had a broken spark plug.....now as i say i am no expert ...but i dont think its supposed to dangle down like a case of brewers droop........so back into town to get a spark plug...they will have to order one in....I knew it ...its a conspiracy..So sat around for the rest of the day drowning myself in beer....mossies biting...flys a flying....yep forgot to pack the Aerogard.

    So all in all got a spark plug and the family enjoyed the last day of our camping trip........I did suggest we go again but all i got was a blank look......Hell that worked did it not...i got out of camping with my family......so there was a good outcome to the story..

    If there is a next time.....must write list...check insurance,check membership,divorce wife,sell the children to some Russian dude with metal teeth,spare tyre,aerogard,tent pegs and so on and so on....think If i ever finish my list it will be on a 4 ply dunny roll both sides.......

    There is a lot more to the stories...this is just a sample of what can happen in 45 years of life...I am writing a book...work in progress...i think i will call it "Looking through the Glass Straight Jacket"...it may be for sale on E-bay....2 years later you may find it in the $2.99 bargain bin along side all books written by Kerry Ann Kennell.

    In the mean time have a look at lising 1605 369 386 45 ( put a flaming bid on here first before you leave) and see some other poor sod who bought a Chinese quad bike...it hilariious,hilaarious,hillarries....damn.......... .....funny......if you dont fall off your chair laughing....check for a pulse..(Damn spell check aint working)...i think computers were invented so we could make mistakes faster.!

    scroll down and read his story..

    So if your sleeping with a publisher....or someone with way too much money....ask them if they will bankroll my book will ya....but ask them just when they start to moan and their eyes roll back in their heads....and just before you say "Your not a good in bed as your brother"..............that way they will have your full attention and say yes !!!

    Notice how its always people who dont need the money...who win lotto?

    So hopefully the E-Bay gods will allow this now i cleaned it up a little and you can share my story...gotta go now my key boards on fire from repeatadly pushing the backspace button and correcting my crappy typing.....Baz

    All in all....its a bargain...

    So bid for S#!TS sake and get it out of my freaking garage and into yours!!!! and I can repay my mastercard for $700 spare.

    Lots luck with bidding.....no really ....seriously....

    Pick up only....if you think different... see line 13 and 14...for full explanation as too why not.

    Need more techo crap about this BL@@DY big red paperweight ??? need more SH!##Y photos??

    Hell why not...just email me at :

    annette.thomas8@bigpond.com

    Or buzz me on my intermittant useless mobile that decides to work only when its in the mood !!! ( for S#!TS sake i think it come out of the same crappy Korean factory.....where 30,000 dumb SH!%S drill a hole in something on the morning shift....then the next 35,000 arvo shift numnuts try to retro fit a part into the holes that the previous shift made......HELL....more sticky tape and more glue....WE will send these to Australia.....they wont know....and paint it red it will go faster)

    A/H 0419 623 573

    Regards and flaming good luck.......BAZ

    Buyer is contact me and pay within 3 days otherwise i will jam it my BL@@DY neighbours bin on bin night .. when he's asleep.....shhhhhh.....dont tell him !!!!! (love my neighbour bro)

    So thanks all who have bid so far....and who knows it may stay listed long enough to get sold..!!!

    Good news if not....i will relist it and add more stories....wait till you hear about the french dude who bought an empty model box off me on ebay for 99c.....yer it cost me $18.50 to post it to France...but i had a bet on with my wife that I could sell an empty box...well hell i did...and it was worth it....lets just say the prize was that i did not have to wait till it was my birthday....or xmas....or anniversary.......te he....te he...funny thing is though you get to your birthday....and she looks at you and says"not tonight..... i have a headache".....so now i keep a medicine chest next to the bed...and whatever shes got....i got a pill for it !!!

    BAZ
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  12. #507
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    and Chris B for the ebay link to this one

    The Chinese can make some really tricky things, like hard drives - and soft shelled crab in ginger and garlic sauce. Why they chose to make quad bikes is beyond me though.

    I have once owned a Chinese pocket bike, which is still here at my mountain hideaway awaiting destruction at the request of the Ebay buyer. As yet, I haven’t found anything as worthless to risk in the destruction of it. Even my old mattock with the broken handle and missing head is too good to wreck.

    So how the hell did I end up with another Chinese made motorised machine? Well, it was about 15 long weekends ago when I realised that the tribe making their way to my mountain hideaway for some holiday fun would not have enough vehicles to get around on. It was either let the kids ride my industrial fan around or buy something else with wheels and an engine. I didn’t want anything too safe, otherwise I ran the risk of having someone go home without an injury.

    So in one Trading Post induced buying spree, I went out and bought this satanic piece of plastic and cheap recycled metal. I even paid good money for it too.

    Let me just say that I’ve seen my fair share of Yum Cha, and don’t even knock back the chicken’s feet (provided they wore shoes), but if my BBQ pork buns came around on one of these quad bikes I’d turn my nose up at it. The stainless steel trolleys are far more sophisticated. This quad bike is an example of the punishment that we Australians deserve for insisting that every Chinese meal is served with prawn chips.

    There are some good points to these quad bikes, but I can’t really think of them at the moment. What I can recall though is how sheet it really was right from the start. It was as if someone had decided that they needed to cram $600 worth of technology into a quad bike but with a budget of $6.59 plus GST. This thing even had a remote control to start and stop the bike, the starting button was a placebo though. It also has lights, which only worked because light bulbs don’t rely on the correct polarity to work. I’m not sure what the other thirty odd wires actually connected to, but whatever it was the bracket supporting it didn’t even make it into the crate it was packed into.

    You may notice that it has a sort of camouflage style bodywork. Handy if you ever wanted to hide out in a pool of diarrhea. The only place where this quad bike would be able to make use of the camo is when you take it to the sand dunes and thankfully lose it before someone gets to ride it.

    The mechanicals are a piece of work too. Believe it or not, it has hydraulic brakes. Hydraulic brakes are good, far better than a cable made from Singapore noodles. However when the brake fluid is soy sauce, stopping on anything other than a sushi train becomes a problem. The engine looks mysteriously similar to a Honda motor, although without the luxury of any brand names cast into the side covers. It is also made from ducks tongues, which although a delicacy in China are not much good as conrods. The clutch plates, like many other plates are made in China, but unfortunately these ones contain more as best as (after two days of wondering why this listing didn't appear, I learnt that the real word for that old fashioned fibro was prohibited "eBay Note: This listing has been cancelled due to listing violation. See "My Messages" for more details.") than a ‘50s dunny. Fair dinkum, obviously their scanners don't see the humour.

    I shouldn’t be harsh, but I can’t help it. I should take the view that you get what you pay for, but that too is wrong. Really, how can a Suzuki minibike cost as much to buy as a second hand Pulsar with less than 200,000 ks? They aren’t worth that much. 70cc bikes should cost $700, 1300cc bikes should cost $1,300 – but then everyone would buy a Hayabusa and ride at the speed of sunset, almost light. What the Chinese should have done is met the market half-way and decided to sell things that look like the real thing at half the price, not a tenth of the price. That way they could have actually filled the wiring with copper instead of bamboo shoots.

    You might wonder why the starting price is a little low considering the masterpiece that it is. Stop wondering because I’m about to tell you:

    It was a hot sunny day here at the mountain hideaway. Some snotty kids from up the road decided to come over for some motorised adventures, so I handed out a few quad bikes and an old soap on a rope and let them go. Despite the full tank of fuel, I knew it wouldn’t be long before someone walked back to me with one of those stupid faces on because their Chinese quad bike had packed it in after only 10 minutes. Luck is what I thought. Normally the plastic fuel tanks melt after putting anything other than hoisin sauce in them. So it was as I expected and five minutes into the adventure one of the kids came back and asked for a rope. “Rope?” I asked. Sure enough he had taken a wrong turn and rode his diarrhea camo quad bike into the dam. It wasn’t under water, but it did get the plug lead wet and it took a whole pair of gumboots to get it out.

    After pushing it all the way back to the workshop I decided to have a crack at getting it going again. Considering its value, and the fact that my time is worth at least $3.20 an hour on a Saturday, I spent just over six minutes trying to get it started. I got as far as removing the air cleaner and cranking it over, but that was it. The kid was left to sulk about the fact that all the other kids had at least gotten to blow their quad bikes up after 12 minutes.

    Now it has become a trip hazard and I’m really keen to see it go to a good home. It could be useful as a project for someone who likes turning water into wine, or perhaps just getting this thing going. I think it probably only ever ran for a few hours in its whole life, which is enough to explain why all the bodywork is as cracked as a Chinese take-away container after two trips through the dishwasher.

    Don’t start thinking that you’ll just snap this thing up at a bargain price and jump on the internet and download workshop manuals. These things don’t even have a brand name. In fact, they change their names quicker than the email address of the Nigerian guy that still owes me $120,000,000 for helping him out with my bank details.

    Don’t think you’ll be able to buy another one for spares either. The factory that made these things was built on such shonky foundations that every hole drilled in the frame is in a different location for the sixty seven million they made that afternoon shift. Your best bet would be to stuff around with this one for a while and learn a valuable lesson: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is a Chinese quad bike. Without venturing to the local landfill, I think this quad is one of a kind, a bit like a taxi with headlights which are actually aligned correctly.

    By the way, it doesn’t have any gears. It was designed to be simple to ride, not simple to keep running. And yes, that is a wasp which has filled the exhaust with mud.

    Pickup is from my mountain hideaway, between Newcastle and Taree, somewhere.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  13. #508
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  14. #509
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

    The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

    “If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

    Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

    The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

    The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."

  15. #510
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    When Teddy Whitton died he got up to the pearly gates and St Peter was waiting for him.

    What can i do for you he asked Teddy.

    I want to get into heaven Teddy said.

    St Peter said "before you can come in you have to pass a test'', so Teddy said ok what is it?.

    St peter produces a sherrin and says i want you to step out 60 yards ad kick this ball right through the centre of the pearly gates.

    Teddy thinks this will be easy, so he steps out 60 yards , lines up the gates and lets fly with the kick of his life.

    The ball is heading directly through the centre of the pearly gates, when there is a loud clap of thunder and a pair of hands come out of the sky and mark the ball.

    What the f**k was that exclaims Teddy?

    St Peter replies'' that was God,

    The c**t thinks he's Garry Abblet!"

    .................................................. ...................................


    So, he gets Moses to be his caddy, and off they go to hit a few.

    As he's about to tee off, Jesus says to Moses, "Moses, gimme a nine iron".
    Moses says, "Jesus, you don't tee of with a nine iron, you use a wood". But
    Jesus looks at him and says, "Look, Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron, gimme a
    nine iron". Moses hands him a nine iron.

    Jesus tees off on the first hole and the ball goes straight into the trees.
    "Damn", says Jesus, "Moses, go find the ball". Moses wanders down to the
    tress and searches until he finds it. "It's over here Jesus", says Moses.
    Jesus studies the situation and says to Moses, "Moses, gimme a nine iron".
    Moses says, "Jesus, you can't use a nine iron to get out of the trees". But
    Jesus says, "Look, Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron, so I'm gonna' use a nine
    iron - gimme a damned nine iron". Moses hands him a nine iron.

    Jesus hits the ball out of the trees and straight IN to the sand. "Damn",
    says Jesus, "Moses, go find the ball". Moses shakes his head and starts
    for the sand trap to find the ball. "It's over here Jesus", he says
    disgustedly. As he walks up to the ball, Jesus says, "Moses, gimme a nine
    iron". Moses looks at him like he has two heads and says, "Really Jesus,
    you can't possibly hope to hit out of the sand with a nine iron". Jesus
    looks on calmly and says, "Look, Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron, now just
    gimme a nine iron". Moses hands him a nine iron.

    Jesus hits the ball straight across the green, past the hole, and INTO the
    water. Moses says, "I know, I know, go find the ball, right"? But Jesus
    holds his hand up and says, "No Moses, this is my department". Jesus walks
    to the edge of the water and steps out onto it. He walks to the middle of
    the pond and reaches down into the water trying to find the ball.

    Right about that time, two players who were waiting patiently to play
    through come walking up to Moses. They can't believe they're seeing this
    guy out walking on the water. The one player says to Moses, "Would you look
    at that? Who does he think he is -- Jesus Christ"?

    And without batting an eye, Moses shakes his head and says, "Nope ---
    Arnold Palmer".

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