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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #526
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Oh that worked, good.

  2. #527
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I wonder why they censor the word *** ? That's totally ***. Maybe I just meant happy !!

  3. #528
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by imoww View Post
    Funny tho... I mentioned something about the conspiricay sourrounding Dianna's incident to my wife the other day. Then i found out the hard way that her family are big on the royals and they believe Dianna's incident was an unfortunate accident...
    when you're constantly chased by paparazzi cutting in and out of traffic to try and get a photo and not caring about there own safety let alone yours or anyone else's and you climb into a car with a drunk driver it's not an accident it's suicide
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  4. #529
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Who says black people are lazy !! Barack Obama, first US president to take the bin out in ten years ....
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  5. #530
    Senior Member BeetleJuice's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    <<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>
    Attached Images Attached Images

  6. #531
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    They sent my Census form back!
    In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?'
    I put,

    'Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, smack heads, unemployable bastards, towel heads, wog goat herders, and half of Eastern Europe!'

    .................. Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  7. #532
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lol...now I am going to use that one.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  8. #533
    Member courty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia's supply of convenience store managers.

    And if this action does not yield sufficient results, taxi drivers will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole office workers and Queensland doctors.
    "I'm not alone cause the tv's on yeah,I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills.... everyday" Jimmy Eat World

    http://www.dreamlawnsandlandscapes.com

  9. #534
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
    "No way"! No needles!" I hate needles", the man said.

    The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. "I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!
    The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
    "No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

    The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
    The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
    "It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

  10. #535
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by courty View Post
    This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia's supply of convenience store managers.

    And if this action does not yield sufficient results, taxi drivers will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole office workers and Queensland doctors.
    How great would this be if it were real

  11. #536
    Senior Member stptow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

    The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of........

    'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ......
    UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ....
    UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .....
    UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'

    The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get onto the bed!!

  12. #537
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    >
    > Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..
    >
    > Arlene: What in the hell is that?
    >
    > Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    >
    > Arlene: Where did you get it?
    >
    > Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
    >
    > The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    >
    > The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
    >
    > 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
    >
    > The pharmacist fainted.

  13. #538
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    That is another bad point of selling cigarettes in plain packets, that joke just wouldn't work.

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    >
    > Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..
    >
    > Arlene: What in the hell is that?
    >
    > Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    >
    > Arlene: Where did you get it?
    >
    > Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
    >
    > The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    >
    > The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
    >
    > 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
    >
    > The pharmacist fainted.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  14. #539
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I know an (insert racial minority here) who's name is Jim.
    I enjoy throwing tomatoes at him.
    Tomatoes are soft and don't break the skin,
    But these f_ _ kers do, coz they're still in the tin !!!
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  15. #540
    Senior Member cadase's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A story in the local rag
    The local council (port-enfield) wants to do away with mowing median strips, They'd like the residents to mow their own. Mowing the strips four times a year has just become too expensive they say

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