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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #541
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Thats because they out source the work to a private company instead of getting their own staff who they already pay to do it. I wouldn't pay the people they have doing it a cent as the job is terrible. Same thing in Salisbury and Playford. These contracts are worth millions
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  2. #542
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

    She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

    The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

    She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

    As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

  3. #543
    Member geoff1969's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

    She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

    The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

    She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

    As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
    hahahahgshaha thats a absoulte pisser redeye hahahah

  4. #544
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Evil buggers those woolies horses
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  5. #545
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Got a phone call from my mate last night.
    He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free. I asked, ''Where did you get that?''
    He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was looking at the Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them.
    After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera.
    They lined up as a group and were all smiling at the camera.
    Just as I was about to click the button I called out to them, 'WAVE!' and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''
    Cheers, Jason.

    If your lawns and garden's have lost their Mojo...
    Call Mowjo Man

  6. #546
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Australia Post have created and marketed a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Ms Gillard.
    The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns that they weren’t sticking.
    Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings of a special Senate Committee were released.


    The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.
    After a month of testing and spending of $1.85 million, a special Senate Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the following findings -
    1) The stamp is in perfect order.
    2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
    3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

  7. #547
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    you gotta luv the irish!!

    Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

    She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

    'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

  8. #548
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Some pornos were found in Bin Laden's hide out: Camel Toe, Ass-Ghanistan, You Mecca Me Horny, Suicide Blondes, Weapons of Ass Destruction, Twins on Towers, Wam Bam Taliban, Deep Goat and Halal *****es.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  9. #549
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and *** if he wants to get into heaven.....The man said he would try his best.

    God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
    "Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and made love to her right then and there. ".

    "They don't like that in heaven", said God...The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  10. #550
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Training for the NSW state of Origin team was delayed this morning after a white powdery substance was found on the field. The police were called, a sample was analysed by the forensic squad and was found to be a substance unfamiliar to most NSW players. It wasn't a drug it was the try line. Practice will resume tomorrow as the Police decided that the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

  11. #551
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
    >
    > to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
    >
    > who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
    >
    >
    >
    > The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
    >
    > good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
    >
    > claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
    >
    > and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
    >
    > into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
    >
    > balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
    >
    > rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
    >
    > fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
    >
    > broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
    >
    > found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
    >
    > balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
    >
    > point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
    >
    > died.?
    >
    >
    > The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
    >
    >
    >
    > The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
    >
    > roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
    >
    > over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
    >
    > balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
    >
    > on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
    >
    > some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
    >
    > chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
    >
    > and was hit and killed by the chest."
    >
    >
    > The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
    >
    > as he directs the man to the next room.
    >
    >
    >
    > He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
    >
    > apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
    >
    > the fellow in here just before you."
    >
    >
    >
    > "I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
    >
    > in this cedar chest....."
    >

  12. #552
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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  13. #553
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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  14. #554
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    no offence Neil, and I realise I'm probably in the minority here, but I just can't find humour in watching people getting hurt - I absolutely refuse to watch Aust Funniest Home Video and have always thought it should be canned

  15. #555
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Pollies held hostage
    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

    Suddenly a man knocks on the window, the driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

    "Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard. They're asking for a $310 million ransom otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.



    We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

    The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

    "About a litre."

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