Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #556
    Junior Member Thistle's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Nude Runner

    A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

    One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

    'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
    My husband's home early!'

    'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
    'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

    So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

    Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
    Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

    'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

    Another runner moved a long side.
    'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

    'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
    Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

    'Nope...just when it's raining.'

  2. #557
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Letter to the PM

    Dear Julia,

    Please find below my suggestion for fixing our economy. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan. There are about 350,000 people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

    1) They MUST retire. 350,000 jobs vacant - unemployment fixed
    2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. 350,000 cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
    3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed
    5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week and there's your money back in duty/tax etc
    6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

    It can't get any easier than that!

    P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  3. #558
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?"

    The man asks, "Why would I be?"

    The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, you'll need something to cut the grass with."

    Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"

    The shocked man asks, "Why?!"

    The young man then replies, "Well, your weekend's screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."

  4. #559
    Senior Member NLALM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Whats the difference between light and hard ? You can sleep with a light on.

  5. #560
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

    He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife.

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes," comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
    ~ Joanne ~

  6. #561
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Lol....I think that may have been me when I was in the Navy. Not sure...can't really remember.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  7. #562
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man went to Harley Street, London and saw a card advertising for a
    Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk
    for details.



    The clerk pulled up the file and read :

    "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You
    have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
    carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
    gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so
    they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

    The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to
    go to Manchester"

    "My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

    She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

  8. #563
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    dont mess with jarheads
    Attached Images Attached Images

  9. #564
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I couldn't find that bloody little thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes. Looked everywhere and ended up having to ask the kids. It appears she left me a week ago.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  10. #565
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    1 – Open Google Maps
    2 – Click on Get Directions
    3 – Type China as your starting point
    4 – Type Taiwan as your destination
    5 – Get Directions
    6 – Read Step 48
    ~ Joanne ~

  11. #566
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs HMS View Post
    1 – Open Google Maps
    2 – Click on Get Directions
    3 – Type China as your starting point
    4 – Type Taiwan as your destination
    5 – Get Directions
    6 – Read Step 48
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  12. #567
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Ha ....good one. The Chinese must be good swimmers
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  13. #568
    Senior Member The Local Gardener's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    Ha ....good one. The Chinese must be good swimmers
    Why do midgets laugh when they run?

  14. #569
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    I couldn't find that bloody little thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes. Looked everywhere and ended up having to ask the kids. It appears she left me a week ago.
    Iron man is a super hero. Iron woman is a command.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  15. #570
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    More Google Maps fun....someone there obviously has a sense of humour.

    1. Google Maps
    2. Get directions
    3. Start = Adelaide
    4. Destination = Los Angeles CA
    5. The entire route is hysterical but love steps 26, 87 and 99
    ~ Joanne ~

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