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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #571
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
    "Sure." they said, "You're welcome to play with us."
    So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

    Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
    "I'm a hit man," was the reply.
    "You're joking!" was the response.
    "I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
    "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend. "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
    "Yeah, I can see my house. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow. I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, ha. ..Ooh. I can see she’s naked. ..Wait a minute.. That's my neighbor in there with her. He’s naked, too!"
    He turned to the hit man, "How much for a hit?"
    "Flat rate for you; a thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
    "Can you do two for me now?"
    "Sure. What do you want?"
    "First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson."
    The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
    "Are you going to do it or not?" asked the friend, impatiently.
    "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly. "I think I can save you a grand here".

  2. #572
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...



    "Of course i won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years, i've never laughed at a patient."



    "Okay then," said Bob, & he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.



    It's length & width were almost identical to an AAA battery.



    Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughingat the fact that she was laughing.



    Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.



    "I'm so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse & a lady, i promise that won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"



    "It's swollen," Bob replied.



    She ran out of the room.....

  3. #573
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    After a visit to the whore house,
    a man notices green lumps on his willy,
    so he goes to the doctors.
    “That’s serious” says the doctor.
    “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
    “Yes” says the man seriously.
    “Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

  4. #574
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab
    you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
    You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what
    happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

    You appeared from no where and shamelessly, without any reservations,
    you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied
    your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove
    me near crazy while you drained me.
    Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

    Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
    only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
    My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
    it all the more difficult to forget you.

    Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........you f*cking mosquito.

  5. #575
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    They say the AK 47 is the worlds easiest assault rifle to learn to use. Maybe they are right.

    http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/m...he-apes-viral/
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  6. #576
    Member Of Forum tizmee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER: Memory was something you lost with age... An application was for employment... A program was a TV show ... A cursor used profanity... A keyboard was a piano... A web was a spider's home... A virus was the flu... A hard drive was a long trip on the road... A mouse pad was where a mouse lived... And if you had a 3 inch floppy... you just hoped nobody found out!

  7. #577
    Senior Member geoff's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by tizmee View Post
    LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER: Memory was something you lost with age... An application was for employment... A program was a TV show ... A cursor used profanity... A keyboard was a piano... A web was a spider's home... A virus was the flu... A hard drive was a long trip on the road... A mouse pad was where a mouse lived... And if you had a 3 inch floppy... you just hoped nobody found out!

    very very clever....your post are cool

  8. #578
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Hey....I can remember all those things....I am older than dirt. I remember typing reports on a type writer....ooooh the pain
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  9. #579
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I got a good joke.....
    "SYDNEY WEATHER"
    Everything looks good with a haircut.... ɐuıɥɔ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sʇɐɥʇ

  10. #580
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    What's the difference between some racial minorities and a computer ?

    With a computer you only have to punch in information once.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  11. #581
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I just found an article on the very first prototype GPS...heres a photo
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  12. #582
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Continuing the theme of early prototypes...and especially for Bluey who claims to be "older than dirt"

    ~ Joanne ~

  13. #583
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

    They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

    Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of ***.

    'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

    The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

    'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

    'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

    'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

    'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

    'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

    'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

    'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

    'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

    'It was horrible,' he replies.. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

  14. #584
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
    waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
    stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
    her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
    of the first step of the bus.
    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
    she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
    this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

    Again, she tried to make the step only to
    discover she still couldn't.
    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
    her to unzip her skirt a little more.
    For the second time,
    attempted the step, and, once again,
    much to her chagrin, she
    could not raise her leg.
    With little smile to the driver, she
    again reached behind to unzip
    a little more and again was unable to
    make the step.
    About this time, a large Texan who was
    standing behind her
    picked her up easily by the waist and
    placed her gently on the
    step of the bus.
    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
    Samaritan and
    screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
    I don't even know
    who you are!'

    The Texan smiled and drawled,
    "Well, ma'am, normally I would
    agree with you, but after you unzipped
    my fly three times, I kinda
    figured we was friends."

  15. #585
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.
    Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
    The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
    The rest of the world is in shock.

    The USA is sending troops to help.
    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
    Latin American countries are sending supplies.
    New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
    The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure...
    And Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

    Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.

    God Bless Australian generosity!
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

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