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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #46
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    what the bloody hell was that wall built for
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  2. #47
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    Wink Re: Jokes R Us

    An email I received that I thought some of you might like:

    Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

    Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

    Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

    His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with ***ual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

    Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

    It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
    consent to administer panadol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

    Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

    Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

    Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
    to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little
    in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

    Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

    He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

    Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

    Funny but sadly so true

  3. #48
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Story by a Man standing in a queue in Coles......... (allegedly)

    I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pedigree in Coles and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

    Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

  4. #49
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Dear Dad letter...


    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed as nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
    propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
    trembling hands.

    "Dear, Dad.
    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum
    and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you w! ould not approve of her, because of all her piercing,
    tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy
    said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
    having many more children.
    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
    We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
    Love

    Your son,

    John.

    P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home."

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  5. #50
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One day a young man was walking through the forest when he suddenly heard a small voice shout to him "Save me! Save me!".

    He went towards the voice, which was coming from a small lilly pad floating in a nearby pond. Once again he heard the voice call out "Save me!". He noticed the voice was coming from a small frog.

    Realising that it had caught his attention the frog exclaimed "I'm a beautiful princess and all I need to change back is one kiss...please save me!" So the young man picked up the frog, smiled at it, and put it away in his pocket.

    As he was walking along the frog exclaimed again "Save me, save me. I'm a beautiful princess, save me!". The young man took the frog from his pocket, held it up and once again smiled at the frog before placing it back in his pocket.

    As the man walked further still the frog repeated its plea "Save me!! Save me!! I'm a beautiful princess, save me!!! All you have to do is kiss me once and I'll change back to my true form - SAVE ME!!". This time, in desperation, the frog added "I'll do whatever you want me to do for a week - just please change me back - I can't stand being a frog anymore - SAVE ME!!!!!"

    For the third time the man took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it and placed it back where he had carried it - right in his pocket! At this stage the princess lost her temper. Not only was she miserable that she was still a frog, but her pride had also been hurt that the young man did not want her. She shouted from the man's pocket "What the hell is wrong with you!?!? I tell you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll do anything you want for a week if only you'll kiss me in my present form so I might change back - are you so stupid that you would not trade an instant of kissing a frog for a week with a beautiful princess???? Or don't you believe me when I say I am what I am?"

    The young man took the frog from his pocket and replied. "My dear frog, I did not mean to insult you. Nor am I saying that I don't believe you. But you see I am a Landscape Gardener. Landscaping takes up all my time so I have no time left for a girlfriend. A talking frog on the other hand…now that's really neat!"
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  6. #51
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A bloke is walking his dog through the park one day when he happens across an old man sitting on a bench, head in his hands and crying a river. An overwhelming feeling of sympathy comes over the bloke so he sits beside him, touches him on the shoulder and asks, "Whats wrong ol' mate?" The old man replies, "I'm 85 years old and last week I got married to the most beautiful 22 year old women. All she wants to do is make love to me 3 to 4 times a day.....I dont know what I'm to do". The bloke replies, "Jeez mate cheer up, sounds to me things aren't all bad, why you so upset?" The ol' fella wipes a tear away and says, "I can't remember where I live".

  7. #52
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

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  8. #53
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An eight-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is ***?"

    The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

    He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

    The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of sec's."

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  9. #54
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
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  10. #55
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Righto time for some fun at our American friends expense.....

    An Aussie, a Pom and an American are walking along when they happen across a deceased man laying naked on the footpath. A shocking site for anybody however this man in particular passed away quite excited (if you know what I mean) with his member pointing towards the heavens. Being a respectful American Gentleman he took off his cap and placed it over the unfortunate mans bits so as to give him some dignity. The Pom was still however intrigued at the size of what had been covered and took one last peek and said to the Aussie, "Good God that's a big Pr##k," to which the Aussie replied, "What else would you expect to find under an Americans cap."

    One more, an oldie but a classic.....

    Soon after America put people into space they found that in zero gravity the astronauts couldn't use their pens as the ink didn't flow freely through the nub, so millions of dollars was spent researching a pen that could handle this type of application. The Russiasns however just used a pencil.....

  11. #56
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
    sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all
    matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took
    her to the vet.


    We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat." The vet
    decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when
    we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but
    don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was
    his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't
    see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband
    calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' . They love to hate each other and
    constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last
    word on this particular occasion.


    The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
    located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting
    room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side
    door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband
    arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
    wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now
    she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God
    only knows who the father is!"
    Then he closed the door.



    Now THAT is revenge

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  12. #57
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    QANTAS Airlines : Repair Division

    In case you need a laugh : Remember it takes a university degree to fly a plane,
    but only a TAFE diploma to fix one

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "Gripe Sheet"
    which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
    correct the problems : document their repairs on the form , and then
    pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots
    (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
    maintenance engineers.

    By the way , Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal
    accident.




    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre

    P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

    P: Something loose in cockpit
    S; Something tightened in cockpit

    P: Dead bugs on windshield
    S: Live bugs on back order

    P:Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
    S: Evidence removed

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud
    S: DME volume set to more believable level

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF Mode
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

    P:Suspect crack in windshield
    S: Suspect you're right

    P: Number 3 engine missing
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

    P: Aircraft handles funny ............(I love this one !!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up , fly right and be serious

    P: Target radar hums
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

    P: Mouse in cockpit
    S: Cat installed

    And the best one for last

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, Sounds like a midgetpounding on something with a hammer
    S: Took hammer away from midget

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  13. #58
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Crime wave security measures in Sheparton Victoria
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  14. #59
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    hope you can find some time in your busy day to have a laugh. I would like to say these were mine, but my friend passed them on.

    Have a great week all











    >

    > Subject: Fw: Top 4 adult jokes



    >>> >> Fourth place



    >>> >> A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he

    >>> >>does, his elbow goes into her breast.

    >>> >> They are both quite startled.

    >>> >> The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart

    >>> >>is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

    >>> >> She replies, "If your pe*is is as hard as your

    >>> >>elbow, I'm in room 221."



    >>> >>

    >>> >> THird place.:

    >>> >>

    >>> >> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the

    >>> >>husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

    >>> >> The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've

    >>> >>got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

    >>> >> The husband, rejected, turns over.

    >>> >> A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his

    >>> >>wife again.

    >>> >> "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"



    >>> >> Runner Up:

    >>> >>

    >>> >> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been

    >>> >>employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to

    >>> >>confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an

    >>> >>urge to stick his pe*is into the pickle slicer.

    >>> >> His wife suggested that he should see a ***

    >>> >>therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too

    >>> >>embarrassed.

    >>> >> He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

    >>> >> One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his

    >>> >>wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

    >>> >> "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

    >>> >> "Do you remember that I told you how I had this

    >>> >>tremendous urge to put my pe*is into the pickle slicer?"

    >>> >> "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

    >>> >> "Yes, I did." he replied.

    >>> >> "My God, Bill, what happened?"

    >>> >> "I got fired."

    >>> >> "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle

    >>> >>slicer?"

    >>> >> "Oh...she got fired too."



    >>> >> Winner:

    >>> >> A couple had been married for 50 years.

    >>> >> They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning

    >>> >>when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting

    >>> >>here at this breakfast table together."

    >>> >> "I know," the old man said. "We were probably

    >>> >>sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

    >>> >> "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old

    >>> >>times."

    >>> >> Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down

    >>> >>at the table.

    >>> >> "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly

    >>> >>replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty

    >>> >>years ago."

    >>> >> "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

    >>> >> "One's in your coffee and the other is in your

    >>> >>oatmeal."

    ___________________________________

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  15. #60
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An atheist was walking through the woods.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > 'What majestic trees'!
    >
    >
    >
    > 'What powerful rivers'!
    >
    >
    >
    > 'What beautiful animals'!
    >
    >
    >
    > He said to himself.
    >
    > As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
    > behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
    > He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw
    > that the bear was closing in on him.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped
    > & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the
    > bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising
    > his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh
    > my God!'
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Time stopped.
    > The bear froze.
    > The forest was silent.
    >
    > As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You
    > deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even
    > credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
    > this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of
    > me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You
    > could make the BEAR a Christian?'
    >
    > 'Very well,' said the voice.
    >
    > The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
    > his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
    > Christ our Lord, Amen.'

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