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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #586
    Member Redlandsguy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    Hey....I can remember all those things....I am older than dirt. I remember typing reports on a type writer....ooooh the pain
    I remember getting the typist to type the report.

  2. #587
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

    'Son, where were you today?'
    Son says 'at school dad.' Robot slaps the son!


    'Ok, I watched a DVD at my mates!'
    'What DVD?' 'Toy story.'
    Robot slaps the son again!


    'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
    'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!


    Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
    Robot slaps The mum!:
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  3. #588
    Senior Member BobC's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A young Adelaide woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

    "I see," the captain says.

    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Kangaroo Island Ferry."

  4. #589
    Senior Member bb1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    ‎5 pearls of Scottish wisdom...
    1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
    2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
    3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
    4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
    5. Alcohol does not solve any problem,but then neither does milk.

  5. #590
    Member Redlandsguy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by BobC View Post
    A young Adelaide woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

    "I see," the captain says.

    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Kangaroo Island Ferry."
    Sounds like Bluey in action and he is a local!

  6. #591
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Paddy and Mick were waiting at the bus stop when a truck wentpast loaded up with rolls of turf.

    Paddy said, "I'm gonna do dat when Iwin da lottery…"

    "What's dat, den?" asks Mick.


    "Send me lawn away to be cut."

  7. #592
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

    No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. 'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. ... 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

    'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.' I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

    Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... '

    "Ahhh....." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!! She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*** ?' 'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

  8. #593
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Julia Gillard called Bob Brown into her office one day and said "Bob, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters"..

    "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Brown.

    "Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

    "Right" said Brown.

    Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

    "G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

    "Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

    Gillard and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

    All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

    Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

    Eventually, Gillard and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

    "Tell me" said Brown, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

    "Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"...

  9. #594
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

    The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,

    you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

    It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow

    and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

    There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

    So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

    Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

    They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

    Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320

    Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

    Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

    The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

    'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

    You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

    'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'

    'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

  10. #595
    Senior Member BeetleJuice's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    67.jpg
    Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went

    by loaded up with rolls of turf.

    Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'.

    'What's dat', says his mate.

    'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.

  11. #596
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    What's the difference between Taronga Zoo and the White House ?

    Taronga Zoo has an African Lion

    The White House has a Lyin African.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  12. #597
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on Productive Salesmanship.
    Little Sally led off:

    "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.
    Little Mary was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Mary," said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
    enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

    Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the Federal Government approach of giving you something ****ty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  13. #598
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    classic bluey!!

  14. #599
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Male Fairy Tale:


    Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-boobed broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony. He banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

  15. #600
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Wow that guy certainly has got life figured out.
    Statistics show that married men live longer than single men.
    But most married men will tell you it just FEELS longer.


    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    A Male Fairy Tale:


    Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-boobed broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony. He banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

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