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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #601
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Idiot Politician File

    Peter Garrett (ex lead singer of Midnight Oil, now a Minister in the Labour Government of Australia)

    PETER GARRETT IS DEFINITELY A COUPLE OF CANS SHORT OF A SLAB!

    The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.

    It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

    What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

    This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.

    All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

    Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem,

    'those dingo's ain't f---ing our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.'

    You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service, the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".


    This is one of the things wrong with this country, the Tree Huggers and Morons are running the circus! Jeeesus! Someone save us from these idiots.....
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  2. #602
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A young punk gets on the crosstown bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

    The young punk has spiked, multi-coloured, green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

    The old man glares at the young punk for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

    Finally the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

    Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had *** with a parrot....I thought you might be my son."
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  3. #603
    Member courty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man married a Chinese girl and on their honeymoon night they discussed what they wanted to do... he said "How about a 69"... she replied.. "Why you want chicken fried rice".
    "I'm not alone cause the tv's on yeah,I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills.... everyday" Jimmy Eat World

    http://www.dreamlawnsandlandscapes.com

  4. #604
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An oldie but goodie...
    An aussie bloke is on Holidays in NZ.
    As he passes a farm, he sees a Kiwi bloe humping a sheep.
    He approaches the Kiwi bloke and says, " Back in Australia, we shear our sheep. What the hell are you doing you sick F*K?
    The Kiwi replied. Fook off. I aint sharing this one with anyone.!"
    Everything looks good with a haircut.... ɐuıɥɔ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sʇɐɥʇ

  5. #605
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I have a story like that but will not share 10 times worse but i was drunk so it dont matter same prinsable but it will make you vomit in your mouth lol lol
    But if you aint ''STIHL'' you aint real....

  6. #606
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Mick and Paddy


    Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

    The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.

    The three men had always done everything together.

    Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

    The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

    The mortician thought this was rather strange.

    So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

    Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

    The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

    The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

    Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arseholes.'

    'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.

    'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

    There's Stew with them two arseholes.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  7. #607
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Ever wonder what would happen if Wile E. Coyote caught that bloody road runner....watch this

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRzcC...eature=related
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  8. #608
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    I defy anyone not to laugh at this!

    A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

    They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

    A fter waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
    "Wow, She's fat!

    The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

    A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
    A s they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

    The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

    The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

    A fter a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

    Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
    The little boy yelled out, "Run for your ****ing life, she's reversing!!"
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  9. #609
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    einstein.monroe.jpg

    I got this in an email today. Looks like Albert Einstein close up, but step away 4-5 metres and it changes to Marilyn Monroe.


    Rum works a bit like that. You go home with what looks like Sandra Bullock and wake up with Ugly Betty.

  10. #610
    Junior Member Thistle's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having *** with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


    Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the
    bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something ***y to attracter.....


    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.


    Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!


    Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"..... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


    Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


    Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

  11. #611
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man owned a small farm in North Queensland.The Australian Taxation Office determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

    "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!," demanded the investigator.
    "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
    "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."
    "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week.
    He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
    "That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the investigator.

    "That would be me," replied the farmer.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  12. #612
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Three men talking about their wives, comparing them to motor vehicles.
    The first says "My wife is like a red Ferrari - sleek, fast and turns heads"
    The second says "My wife is no Ferrari, she is more like a Mecedes Benz - well built and comfortable."
    The third says "My wife is like an ambulance"
    "Really?" ask the others.
    "Yeah... Do this - do that...Do this - do that..."
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  13. #613
    Senior Member GrowCutMow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    GOD AND ST. FRANCIS DISCUSSING LAWNS

    GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
    ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
    GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
    GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
    GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
    ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
    GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
    ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
    GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
    ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
    GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
    ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
    GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
    ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
    GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
    ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
    GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
    ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
    GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?"
    ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about.....
    GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

  14. #614
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Confession

    An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,

    grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,

    hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had $.ex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!”
    Brian

    "the ultimate result of protecting man from his own folly, is to fill the world with fools"

  15. #615
    Senior Member HPM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This airline joke came from "Down Under"
    A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal (Sydney
    Airport) and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He
    thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess.
    I wonder which airline she works for. "

    "I still call Australia home," he says to her.

    She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare. "Obviously not
    with Qantas," he thought.

    Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
    Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows.."

    She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
    himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
    A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned
    towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."

    She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself,
    while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

    He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth
    as silk."

    The woman turned on him and said, "What the f*ck do you want?"

    The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"
    Hunterpropertymaintenance@gmail.com
    Work to live, life's too short..
    Specialising in small and Large area collection mowing with Walker Mowers.

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