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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #616
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father.."

    The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many."

    The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

    The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your f****** collar."
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  2. #617
    Dedicated Member Cranbourne Lawnmowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria. and bought a mule for $100.
    The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
    The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."
    Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
    The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
    They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
    The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
    Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
    The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
    Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
    A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.
    "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
    They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
    Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
    The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
    Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

    Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government
    They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia 's finance minister.

    Limit all Australian politicians to two terms.
    One in office
    One in prison

  3. #618
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    That one must be doing the rounds again. i got it yesterday as well.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  4. #619
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I got this via Facebook
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  5. #620
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

    They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

    After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
    "Wow, She's fat!”

    The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

    A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
    As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

    The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

    The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

    After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

    Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
    The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

  6. #621
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Cats fighting at night. Ever wondered what it was about. Wonder no more...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmTsL...eature=related
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  7. #622
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Are you a Labor, a Liberal/National or a Bob Katter Party voter?

    Here is a little test that will help you decide.

    The answer can be found by posing the following question.


    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
    Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
    praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
    You are carrying a Smith & Wesson 6 shot revolver, and you are an expert marksman.
    You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
    What do you do?






    THINK THEN SCROLL DOWN:













    Labor Voter’s Answer:

    • Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
    • Does the man look poor or oppressed?
    • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
    • Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
    • Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
    • Does the hand-gun have appropriate safety built into it?
    • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
    • Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
    • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
    • If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 000?
    • Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have community clean -up day. Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.
    • I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
    • This is all so confusing!
    .................................................. ............................











    Liberal/National Party voters Answer:

    BANG!
    .................................................. .......................









    Bob Katter Party voters answer:

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!(sound of semi auto rifle fire)
    Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

    Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!' Were those the Copper jackets or Hollow Points?! '

    Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

    Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  8. #623
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One-liner Philosophy

    A billion's the current number of foods made with types of bran
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    A fool and his money are soon partying.
    Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
    Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
    Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
    Ever notice how ignorance picks-up confidence as it goes along
    Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    Give some women an inch, and they'll rearrange or redecorate it
    I doubt, therefore I might be.
    Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work
    If you're "not yourself today", enjoy it while ya can
    If a man's "Captain of his ship", his wife's likely the Admiral
    If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it?
    If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
    Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
    Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
    Maybe he/she doesn't "act stupid"; it might be the real thing
    Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
    Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
    My mind not only wanders; sometimes, it leaves completely.
    Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
    One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
    One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
    Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years
    People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
    Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
    Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
    Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
    Some people not only have bad luck... they're carriers
    The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
    The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast
    The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
    The older you get, the better you realize you were.
    There are still "incurable romantics" -- we need better antibiotics
    There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
    These days, an "underprivileged kid" only has one set of parents
    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
    To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
    Today is the last day of your life, so far.
    Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    Two wrongs are only the beginning.
    Women like silent men -- they think they're listening.
    You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  9. #624
    Member Of Forum tizmee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two girls and Little Johnny were caught skipping school out in the woods.
    They are brought to the office and are not allowed to speak with each other to collaborate a story while they wait to see the principal.
    1st girl to principal: We weren't doing anything wrong, I was just blowing bubbles.
    Principal: Okay fine get back to class, you're off the hook.
    2nd girl: All we were doing was blowing bubbles, please don't tell my mom.
    Principal: OK, but if you skip class again it's going to get serious.
    Little Johnny comes in and the principle says: Let me guess... you were blowing bubbles?
    Little Johnny grinning from ear to ear: Nope! Bubbles is my new nickname

  10. #625
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    If a husband speaks in the middle of the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong ?
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  11. #626
    Member of forum ASTRO's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by gcsmow View Post
    If a husband speaks in the middle of the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong ?
    Yes everytime !!!!!!!!!!

  12. #627
    Member courty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

    His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house
    is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

    The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

    Little Patrick told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And, I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"
    "I'm not alone cause the tv's on yeah,I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills.... everyday" Jimmy Eat World

    http://www.dreamlawnsandlandscapes.com

  13. #628
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lol...yep heard that one before but still makes me laugh
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  14. #629
    Senior Member happymowin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by gcsmow View Post
    If a husband speaks in the middle of the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong ?
    oh, youre always wrong, you just dont know HOW WRONG you are

    always in trouble, just how much.

    and if i have to tell you whats wrong . . .

  15. #630
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    ~ Joanne ~

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