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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #631
    Junior Member Thistle's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
    The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden. That’ s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you,
    Vinnie

  2. #632
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Holy Prostitutes
    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
    out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES
    He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
    thought....
    Soon he sees another sign which reads:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES
    Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
    Past a third sign saying:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT
    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
    side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
    door reading:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    He climbs the steps and rings the bell.. The door is answered by a nun in a
    long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
    He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
    possibly doing business....."
    "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
    passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
    tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
    door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through
    the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
    door pulling it shut behind him.

    The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
    sign:












    GO IN PEACE.
    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
    SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU SINNER.

  3. #633
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One afternoon a lawyer(NOT QUITE A POLITICIAN YET.) was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to
    investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You may come with us, also."
    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

    "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it."
    "You'll really love my place."

    "The grass is almost a foot high

  4. #634
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Q: What is the diference between an old Italian woman and a catfish???
    A: One has wiskers and stinks and the other one is a fish



    if your Italian don't take it personaly just change it to Lebanese or whatever

  5. #635
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
    ~ Joanne ~

  6. #636
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This made me chuckle

    ~ Joanne ~

  7. #637
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs HMS View Post
    This made me chuckle

    Haaa Clasic...

  8. #638
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Now you will know what to do if you are forced to go shopping against your will !
    RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22
    : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
    fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



    15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?


    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

    One of the clerks passed out.

    If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.


    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  9. #639
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    KFC introduce the new "Julia Gillard Snack Pack". You get 2 average sized breasts 2 thighs and a left wing.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  10. #640
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    i think you might find that's 2 small breasts, 2 large thighs and few left wings with a sprinkling of Greens
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  11. #641
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Ah yes Touche. Pay that.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  12. #642
    Senior Member PaulG's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Heard one on the radio today....

    Maori-Kiwi guy says to a garden ornament " 'stat you bro?"

  13. #643
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by PaulG View Post
    Heard one on the radio today....

    Maori-Kiwi guy says to a garden ornament " 'stat you bro?"
    Haha Hey Paul How long you been doing TV adds?? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E70LU5atjyw

  14. #644
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and ***y. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop, how cool is that for someone her age?
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  15. #645
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lol...good one Ian.....I know your pulling the piss because they have to be 14
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

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