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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #646
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A guy picks up a Chinese girl at the night club and takes her back to his place. One thing leads to another and she says,
    "Oh, me so horny I do anything you want"
    He says,
    "OK, how about a 69 ?"
    She says,
    "You get fuct, I not gonna cook Mongorian beef with stir fly vege and noodle for you at this time of night !!"
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  2. #647
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Latest ad for the Tourism Commission

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy_TB6onHVE
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  3. #648
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    an oldie but......



    Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
    table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
    on a stool at the bar.

    The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

    Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

    Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

    Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
    gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

    On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

    Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
    Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
    wondering what you do for a living?

    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

    Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ....... Do you have a goldfish at home?

    Pat: - Er .... mmm ......... well yeah, I do as it happens!

    Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
    pond. Which is it?

    Pat: - It's in a pond!

    Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

    Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
    have a large garden then you have a large house?

    Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .......... built it myself!

    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
    to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
    quite probably married? And with a family?

    Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are ***ually active
    with your wife on a regular basis?

    Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

    Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

    Pat: - How's that then?

    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
    about your *** life!

    Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

    Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

    Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

    Seamus: - What's that then?

    Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

    Seamus: - Nope

    Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #649
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    another golden oldie

    A Male Fairy Tale:

    Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "NO !!!"



    And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and humped skinny long-legged big titted girls and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or divorce settlement and kept his house and guns and ate egg and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was a cool bugger and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and pissed outside when he wanted.

    The End.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #650
    Member geoff1969's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A mother inlaw said to her son's wife when the baby was born, ' I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son'. The daughter inlaw lifted her skirt and said.. I don't mean to be rude either but this is called a fanny not a ****ing photo copier'!

  6. #651
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two Kiwis are riding horses along the fence line of their property and find a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.
    One bloke jumps off his horse and, of course as most Kiwis would, has his way with the sheep. When he was finished he said to his mate: "Right, your turn!" His mate jumped off his horse and stuck his head in the fence.

    What do you call a Kiwi with a thousand lovers.....

    A shepherd.
    But if you aint ''STIHL'' you aint real....

  7. #652
    Member geoff1969's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    hears one for ya kev
    what do the kiwis call a ship loaded full of sheep for live export ....... love boat .....

  8. #653
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lol god one geff and red you made me lol lol
    But if you aint ''STIHL'' you aint real....

  9. #654
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
    A boy, about 9, opened the door
    "Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
    "No, they went to town."
    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
    "No, he went with Mum and Dad."
    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
    "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
    The boy thought for a moment...
    "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

  10. #655
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

    He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

    You're just like Frank.'




    Passenger: 'Who?'

    Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all
    the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things
    happened like that to
    Frank Feldman every single time.'

    Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

    Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could
    have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He



    sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
    should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

    Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

    Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He



    remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
    foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix
    anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks
    out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'





    Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

    Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and
    avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
    But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat



    a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even
    if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate,
    shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a
    mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.




    Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

    Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married
    his f**king wife."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #656
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I've got a good joke for you. The Australian Labor Party. TOP THAT ONE IF YOU CAN !!!
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  12. #657
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    when buying that *** doll you have allways wanted, Check the tag has
    " Made in Iraq" On it. You will thank me later because these f#@kers blow themselves up and come with a free towel.

  13. #658
    Senior Member Kathryn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    there is a brothel at the top of a hill.

    one man is walking up the hill
    one man is walking down the hill
    one man is inside the brothel
    one man is outside the brothel

    what are their nationalities?

    the man walking up the hill is russian
    the man walking down the hill is finnish
    the man in the brothel is himalayan ( say it outloud if you dont get it)
    and the man outside the brothel?

    he's irish and waiting for the red light to change to green so that he can carry on walking
    Last edited by Kathryn; 28-02-2012 at 03:44 PM. Reason: crap typing

  14. #659
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Kathryn View Post
    there is a brothel at the top of a hill.

    one man is walking up the hill
    one man is walking down the hill
    one man is inside the brothel
    one man is outside the brothel

    what are their nationalities?

    the man walking up the hill is russian
    the man walking down the hill is finnish
    the man in the brothel is himalayan ( say it outloud if you dont get it)
    and the man outside the brothel?

    he's irish and waiting for the red light to change to green so that he can carry on walking

  15. #660
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

    When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

    So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."




    Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.




    BOOM BOOM




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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