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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #661
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    AUSTRALIAN WAY
    No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all
    depends on how you look at the same things.
    Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland, was doing some personal
    work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex prime minister kevin rudds great-great-‐great uncle,
    Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and
    Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.
    The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol.
    On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:
    'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne‐
    Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
    So Judy recently e‐mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle,
    Remus Rudd.
    Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy
    research:
    "Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire grew to
    include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-*‐Geelong
    Railroad.
    Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to
    resume his dealings with the railroad.
    In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus
    passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he
    was standing collapsed."
    now that's how it's done
    That's real POLITICAL SPIN.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  2. #662
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Shampoo Warning!

    Please share the following information with your friends.

    I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before !!!!!

    I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down over my whole body.



    Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning:

    "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
    No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!


    Well, I have got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.


    Its label reads,

    "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

    Problem solved!

  3. #663
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
    "How much do you charge?"

    The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

    The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

    Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

    The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

    "Yes."

    "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

    "Yes."

    "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

    "Yes."

    "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..

    And I own them because I give a hand-job that's
    worth $500."

    So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once..
    I'll give it a try.."

    They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
    is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

    He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job
    is $1,000?"


    The hooker replies, "$1,500."

    "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
    The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window,
    big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?
    I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give
    a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

    The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

    Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
    He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
    The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
    All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"

    "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

    "No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #664
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Julia's car window stickers
    !cid_image001.jpg




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #665
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

    He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

    I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #666
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Here's a couple for the Queenslanders out there.

    What is the difference between the Queensland Labor Party and a Toyota Tarago van ?

    A Toyota Tarago has got 8 seats !!

    Or ......

    Anna Bligh wants to sell her Election campaign bus, dirt cheap too.

    It's 20 years old and doesn't have many seats.
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  7. #667
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    We can legally buy 5kg bags of Cousins Ice up here in N.Q. from the Servo or Supermarket, we don't have to smuggle it.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  8. #668
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Guy playing a prank on his girlfriend
    http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/845...break-in-prank
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  9. #669
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by AJD Mowing View Post
    Guy playing a prank on his girlfriend
    http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/845...break-in-prank
    made me remember the time a mate jumped out of some bushes and went ahh at me it was a while before he forgave me for the broken nose
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  10. #670
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted

    by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young

    idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major


    for conversation.

    Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

    Is something bothering you?'

    'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

    'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

    'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

    'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the

    young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,

    but when is the last time you had ***?

    ''1955, ma'am.''

    'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything

    so seriously! I mean, no *** since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a

    private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,

    'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,

    'I hope not; it's only 2150 now.'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #671
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Kevin the Chicken

    Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets’ eggs.

    Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

    The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

    Trevor went to investigate.

    The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The Result?

    The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #672
    Senior Member BeetleJuice's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  13. #673
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    "R" rated....rude and juvenile, love it
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYn8x...eature=related




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  14. #674
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    Default Childbirth at 65

    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
    'May I see the new baby?' I asked
    'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
    Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
    'No, not yet,' She said.
    After another few minutes had elapsed,
    I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
    'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
    Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
    'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
    'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
    'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
    'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK?'
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  15. #675
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    That's awesome, I'm gonna put my order in.

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    "R" rated....rude and juvenile, love it
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYn8x...eature=related
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

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