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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #676
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    How to Tell the *** of a Fly

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
    husband stalking around with a fly swatter
    "What are you doing?"
    She asked.
    "Hunting Flies"
    He responded.
    "Oh. ! Killing any?"
    She asked.
    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
    Intrigued, she asked.
    "How can you tell them apart?"
    He responded
    "3 were on a beer can,
    2 were on the phone."
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  2. #677
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.


    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
    Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..


    Here's how it all went.


    My engaged friend:
    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
    He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
    I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
    Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild *** all night.


    Then I had to share my story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
    Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
    When he came in the door and saw me he said,





    (you are going to love this…..cursor down)































    "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  3. #678
    Senior Member BeetleJuice's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  4. #679
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
    praise for answered prayers.
    Suzie Johnson stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a
    praise. Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
    scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors
    didn't know if they could help him."
    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
    imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
    "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
    move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
    operation, and it turned out, they were able to piece together the crushed
    remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
    Again the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
    they imagined the horrible surgery performed onTom.
    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out
    of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
    recover completely."
    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
    asked if anyone else had something to say.
    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom
    Johnson."
    The entire congregation held its breath.
    "I just want to tell my wife....... the word is sternum."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #680
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    men and women are different

    An English professor wrote

    "A woman without her man is nothing"
    and asked his class to punctuate it correctly

    all the males in the class wrote
    "A woman,without her man,is nothing"

    all the females wrote
    "A woman: without her,man is nothing"

    punctuation is powerful
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  6. #681
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have

    any more children ...

    The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

    "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    "1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in New Zealand.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #682
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.'

    Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But It wouldn't budge.


    'Harder!' yelled Camilla.


    'Harder?' Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'


    'Come on give it all you've got, ' she cried.


    Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh god, that feels so good !'


    In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.'


    Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter.'

    At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  8. #683
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default God created children (and in the process grandchildren)

    20120617094240_image7.jpg

    To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
    grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
    here is something to make you chuckle.

    Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that
    even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

    After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
    And the first thing he said was ' DON'T !'

    'Don 't what ? ' Adam replied.

    'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

    'Forbidden fruit ?
    We have forbidden fruit ?
    Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '

    'No Way ! '
    'Yes way ! '

    'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God.

    'Why? '

    'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped
    creation after making the elephants

    A few minutes later, God saw His children having a fruit-break...and He was ticked !
    'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? ' God asked.

    'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

    'Then why did you ? ' said the Father.

    'I don't know,' said Eve.
    'She started it! ' Adam said.

    'Did not ! '
    'Did too ! '
    'DID NOT ! '

    Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
    Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

    If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

    If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

    THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

    1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
    Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

    2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

    3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

    4. Children seldom misquote you.
    In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

    5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

    6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


    ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

    Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day

    AND FINALLY:

    IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
    DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

    'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
    AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  9. #684
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Why does Julia Gillard go to Indonesia?
    Because she wants to make love with a wranga tan..
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  10. #685
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default The Hotel Bill

    The Hotel Bill

    A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by
    staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

    When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.

    She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a
    nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an
    overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

    The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she
    insisted on speaking to the manager.

    The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the
    woman, "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
    center which are available for use."

    "But I didn't use them," she said.

    ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

    He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
    in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous . "We have the best
    entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

    "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

    "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

    No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I
    didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.

    After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided
    to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

    The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam,
    this check is for only $50.00."

    "That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

    "But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.

    "Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."

    Don't mess with Senior Citizens.
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  11. #686
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Not so much as a joke but i came accross this website about lawnmowing and testosterone. Im a man....
    http://mantivities.wordpress.com/200...wing-the-lawn/
    Everything looks good with a haircut.... ɐuıɥɔ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sʇɐɥʇ

  12. #687

  13. #688
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  14. #689
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default The difference between man and women

    Men and women have a wide variety of differences - these are a few
    Attached Images Attached Images
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  15. #690
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: The difference between man and women

    More differences in viewpoints

    Domestics.jpg
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

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