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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #691
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    cover letter for a job application....
    557065_10151017726384812_1748287703_n.jpg




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #692
    Senior Member GardenGuy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    If someone has the cojones big enough to put that kind of resume in front of me, I think I might give him his fifteen minutes.

    However, I would hope that the fnck3r could at least learn to exercise reasonable punctuation and spelling.

    After all, he does claim to be somewhat of a super-hero.

    Cheers - GardenGuy.
    My Garden Guy - www.mygardenguy.com.au. Visit us at Facebook too! Visit our Blog for seasonal updates and hints about what your garden needs now.
    Servicing Sydney's North Shore from Chatswood to Cowan. Lawn mowing, gardening services, clean-ups and more.

    If you need lawn mowing and garden services, you need an ILMCOA member. Check the directory for someone local to you.

  3. #693
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    ****NEWS FLASH****NEWS FLASH****



    1st photo of Gina Reinhart's immigrant workers arriving into Port Hedland Airport.



    !cid_1_4259385641@web45405_mail_sp1_yahoo.jpg




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #694
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    photo.JPG
    .........................................




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #695
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.



    He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

    The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"
    "I'm not alone cause the tv's on yeah,I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills.... everyday" Jimmy Eat World

    http://www.dreamlawnsandlandscapes.com

  6. #696
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

    'An ambulance just drove by!'

    'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

    'Matt's riding a new bike!'

    'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

    'Jason is on his skate board!

    After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'

    Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

    Dad cautiously called out,
    'How do you know that?'

    'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #697
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Like this. So true
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  8. #698
    Member Of Forum Lockie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    WHY I'M DEPRESSED

    Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

    Whitlam said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

    Today, Gillard has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, put Camels in plain packaging, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

    I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, & retirement funds, I called a Suicide Hotline.

    I had to press 1 for English, & I was connected to a call Centre in Pakistan.

    I told them I was suicidal.

    They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck

  9. #699
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
    Please select from the following options menu:

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

    If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

    If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

    If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  10. #700
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A very pretty young speech therapist
    was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.
    She had tried every technique in the book
    without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

    Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
    "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
    the name of the town where you were born
    I will have wild and passionate *** with
    you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
    So, who wants to go first?"

    The Englishman piped up.
    "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

    "That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.
    "Who's next?"

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
    "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

    “That's no better.
    There'll be no *** for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

    “How about you, Paddy?”

    The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually
    blurted out" London ."

    “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and
    immediately set about living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy ***, the
    couple paused for breath and Paddy said

    "… d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #701
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  12. #702
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  13. #703
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    Thats got me Laughing in Pain and Dieing in Shame Bluey.... At least its in the right catagory cz its a Joke..
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  14. #704
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    Thats hilarios
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  15. #705
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South
    > Africa.
    > While on holiday in
    > Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
    >
    > As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
    > dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
    > "What are all those little black things out there?"

    > "They're buoys," said the Aussie.

    > "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

    > "Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

    > "F**kin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
    > "WE'D NEVER GET AWAY WITH THAT AT HOME!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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