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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #721
    Senior Member Kathryn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Thats terrible!!!!
    Indy and proud

  2. #722
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year,

    British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years

    and came to the conclusion that their ancestors

    already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed,

    an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet,

    and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times said:

    "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire,

    have concluded that their ancestors already

    had an advanced high-tech communications network

    50 years earlier than the British".

    One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times reported the following:

    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory,

    Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist,

    reported that he found absolutely bugger-all.

    Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, AUSTRALIA had already gone wireless."

    ...Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #723
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    128511024x768.jpg
    ..................................




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #724
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.
    The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley.
    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
    'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
    'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
    What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
    'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts:
    'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'

  5. #725
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Trouble keep warm on those cold days?
    This item seems specially made for Jimbo's

    http://fab.com/sale/12302/

    beardo.jpg
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  6. #726
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

    Well for example, the other day Mary, my wife and I went in to town to visit a shop.

    When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

    We went up to him and I said "Come on officer, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him an "a$$hole." He glared at me and started writing out another ticket for having bald tyres.

    So Mary called him a "sh1thead." He finished the ticket and placed it on the windscreen with the first.
    Then he started writing more tickets.
    This went on for about 20 minutes.
    The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    The only reason we stopped was because our bus arrived and we needed to get home.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired.

    It's important at our age.
    ~ Joanne ~

  7. #727
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Looks like Nicey...

    The dog on the computer
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  8. #728
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    thats a bit nasty lol




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #729
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    You should show him LOL
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  10. #730
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    In Memorium

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,

    it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,

    which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote

    "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

    They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #731
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse.

    His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?

    'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

    So,the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

    'A female horth.'

    So he shows him a prized filly.

    'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

    So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
    'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

    'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

    The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again
    and shows him the horse's mouth.

    'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

    Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's
    head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

    'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #732
    Member Neil&family's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    pregnant_3983.jpg

    Expecting our 3rd child any day now.Getting sick of Rubbing it myself.

  13. #733
    Senior Member Scooby Steve's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Was posted on a boating website recently

    Fifty Shades of Grey fishing
    Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
    Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot ...down and tells him he isn't going.
    Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

    Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
    "**** Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

    "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
    I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing ***y brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
    She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
    On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
    She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

    And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

    So . . . here I am !

  14. #734
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the
    hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed
    them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital
    staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

    The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She
    came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
    temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally
    settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this
    reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
    round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his
    behind.

    After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
    announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
    until I get back!"

    She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed
    under his breath as he heard people walking past his door,
    laughing.....

    After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
    "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
    ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

  15. #735
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit panel van when

    suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out:
    "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
    Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
    obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration,
    opened the window, snaps the aerial antenna off his van
    and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

    About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks
    left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit
    so she goes to the doctor.
    The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks:
    "Did you get these marks having ***?"
    Fiona, more than a little embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred
    let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires,
    eventually admits, "Yes, I did."
    Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims:
    "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor,
    you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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