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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #61
    Senior Member chaplain's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Couldnt resist this one

    i was cleaning my John deere tractor and these ferrals came out the bush

    can you see how clean the jd is
    Attached Images Attached Images

  2. #62
    Member Eastwood's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    After seeing this post I immediatly ran out and cleaned my jd but didn't find any of these beauties

  3. #63
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Male dictionary

    "IT'S A GUY THING"
    Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

    "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
    Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

    "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
    Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

    "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
    Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

    "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
    Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

    "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
    Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
    Translated: "Are you still talking?"

    "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
    Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

    "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
    Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
    Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

    "I CAN'T FIND IT."
    Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
    Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

    "I HEARD YOU."
    Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

    "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
    Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

    "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
    Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

    "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
    Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

    Stanhope Gardens And Lawns

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  4. #64
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Who's on First? - the modern version.

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (A few days later)

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
    ~ Joanne ~

  5. #65
    Senior Member kakegc's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Good one Joanne!

  6. #66
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She leaves a note for her milkman to leave her 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt sure that there must be some mistake. He thought she must of meant 2.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
    When the blonde came to the door the milkman said, "Sorry did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde replied, "No no I want 25 gallons, I'm going to fill my bath tub and have a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman said, "Oh no worries, would you like it pasteurized?" To which the blonde replied, "No just past me tits, I can just splash it on my face."

  7. #67
    Senior Member kakegc's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The same blonde went to a mechanic & said she needed a new 017 for her car. Puzzled, the mechanic said he'd never heard of an 017. The blonde got cross & said, "you know, the 017 on the top of the engine, mine's missing" The mechanic asked her to show him & she lifted the bonnet & pointed, "there she said, my 017 is missing", as she pointed to the missing OIL filler cap!

  8. #68
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    President Bush was receiving his daily briefing from his defence secretary, who concluded: "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

    "Oh, no!" exclaimed Bush, who held his head in his hands in a show of emotion which startled his staff.

    Finally the president looked up and asked: "Just how many is a brazillion?"

    Stanhope Gardens And Lawns

    Gardening & landscaping, lawn mowing, strata cleaning & maintenance, high pressure cleaning

    Residential | Real estate | Strata | Industrial & commercial

    https://stratamaintenance.net
    https://stanhopegardensandlawns.com.au

  9. #69
    Senior Member kakegc's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by NWGL
    President Bush was receiving his daily briefing from his defence secretary, who concluded: "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

    "Oh, no!" exclaimed Bush, who held his head in his hands in a show of emotion which startled his staff.

    Finally the president looked up and asked: "Just how many is a brazillion?"

    lololololololololol!!!!!!

  10. #70
    Senior Member cadase's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by NWGL
    President Bush was receiving his daily briefing from his defence secretary, who concluded: "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

    "Oh, no!" exclaimed Bush, who held his head in his hands in a show of emotion which startled his staff.

    Finally the president looked up and asked: "Just how many is a brazillion?"

    I heard Barbara Bush has a Brazillion

  11. #71
    Senior Member kakegc's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Someone told me that she has a G string too, but apparently she doesn't even play guitar!

  12. #72
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

    One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
    The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

    Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

    Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

    At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'

    Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

    The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

    For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

    He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

  13. #73
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This joke may not travel well. Think Kiwi's moving to Oz to get on our excellent unemployment scheme etc

    At the end of a tiny, deserted bar in Bondi is a huge Kiwi bloke 6ft 5 and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously *** man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the *** man finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big New Zealander.

    Leaning over towards the Kiwi he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

    At this the massive Kiwi leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.

    Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say to you?"

    I'm not sure", the big Kiwi replies, "something about a job

  14. #74
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Just Fred
    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
    So he asks the biker his name."Fred," he replies.
    "Fred what?" the officer asks.
    Just Fred," the man responds.
    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the
    Biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
    The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells himThat he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has
    A nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how
    Did you lose your last name?"The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with Me."
    I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
    "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to > school.
    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so > then I as Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant > and she gave me VD."
    "So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
    Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
    "Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
    The VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
    "Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."
    The officer walked away in tears, laughing...

  15. #75
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Recently, a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in ferntree gully. At last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so drunk he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer observing. After what seemed like an eternity, he tried his keys in 5 different cars finally finding his own car and falling into it. He sat there for several minutes as a number of other patrons got into their cars and left. Finally he started his car, switched the wipers on and off, even though it was a warm dry night, flicked the flashers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle ahead a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still while a few more cars left the parking lot. At last, when he was the only car left in the lot he pulled out and slowly drove off down the road.
    The officer, having waited all this time pulled out behind the apparently drunk driver and turned on his red lights, promptly pulling the driver over.
    The officer the administered a breathalyser test to the man and to the officers surprise, it showed no evidence of alcohol consumption at all! "I'll have to take you down to the station" the officer said, "this breathalyser is broken."
    "I doubt it" said the proud man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

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