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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #736
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her
    a little joke as he put on his gloves.
    'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
    'No, I don't,' she replied.
    'Well,' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
    She didn't crack a smile.
    'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
    'What's so funny?' he asked.
    'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
    (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  2. #737
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
    Xmas fancy dress party.
    He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
    leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
    problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
    note:


    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
    handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
    leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
    offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
    writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
    receives another parcel and note:



    Dear Sir,
    Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
    monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
    with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
    is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
    has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
    attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
    letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
    parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
    We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
    head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
    and go as a toffee apple.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #738
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Woolworths supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Coles. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you -- while the other one steals your wallet!

    I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th and again 17th, 20th,24th and 29th. On August 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.


    P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #739
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
    One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

    Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
    The night of tales begins...

    Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

    Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

    Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #740
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Geelong after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
    An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

    This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today


    Dear Lions Bay School ,
    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged.
    All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

    My room mate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it.
    She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

    The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
    She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*ck off.


    Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
    God bless you all.
    Sincerely,

    Edna




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #741
    Senior Member DavidS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    It's ment to rain here tomorrow. Gotta laugh, it's so dry I keep thinking that green stuff is the weeds in my brown lawns.

  7. #742
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    even the weeds here are brown, haven't had rain in many weeks




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  8. #743
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

    "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

    The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

    After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match; the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself...”

    So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

    "Do you shave?"

    "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

    "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

    Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

    "Did you see it?"

    "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

    "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
    "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #744
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"


    "Yes," he answered.


    She asked, "Does it work?"


    "Yes," he answered.


    She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"


    "I can, if I take two tablets," he replied.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #745
    Senior Member Chris B's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    hahaha keep em coming Redeye

  11. #746
    Senior Member m287j's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

    Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

    'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

    'Moses,' replied the bird.

    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

    'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

  12. #747
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An elderly couple was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about a
    West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
    black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on
    the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to
    24 inches.

    Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
    looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
    procedure?"

    The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

    A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
    experiment coming along?"

    "It looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

    "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

    "No, it's turned black."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  13. #748
    Member Rye Victoria great nature's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  14. #749
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by great nature View Post
    Love the parking attendant!!!

  15. #750
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Farmer Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
    The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so Trevor could tell from a distance which rooster was
    performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

    The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. However, on this particular morning, Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate.
    ...
    The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but, to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result: The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

    Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly-coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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