Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #751
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    image002.jpg

    ........................................




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #752
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

    He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

    'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

    And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there.

    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

    'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

    'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

    They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

    So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

    No one says a word.

    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

    Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it, right there in front of her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    He looks at her mom.

    'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

    So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right there on the dinner table.

    After that, he sits down again.

    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

    Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #753
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Southerland Shire NSW
    Posts
    2,877

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    How do ya get down off an Elephant??

    You dont you get down off a duck
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  4. #754
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Southerland Shire NSW
    Posts
    2,877

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    How do ya get down off an Elephant??

    You dont you get down off a duck
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  5. #755
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Southerland Shire NSW
    Posts
    2,877

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Q: Whats the difference between an elephant and a post box?

    You say: WHAT?

    Wouldn't send you down the street to post a letter....

    One of my customers kids told me these elephant jokes yesterday.. Well I laughed
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  6. #756
    Member Greenie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Hawkesbury NSW
    Posts
    1,249

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    [QUOTE=AJD Mowing;115066]Q: Whats the difference between an elephant and a post box?

    You say: WHAT?

    Wouldn't send you down the street to post a letter....
    Holy crap plz tickle me

  7. #757
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Southerland Shire NSW
    Posts
    2,877

    Default Re: Jokes R Us


    Hey look its Greenie riding his new postie bike
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  8. #758
    Member Tomo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    Melbourne south east
    Posts
    84

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question which I got wrong.


    The question was 'Where do women have the curliest hair ?
    appparently the correct answer was Fiji .

  9. #759
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

    "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard !!"


    The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard !!"


    The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
    "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,

    but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood ?"


    Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that asshole,and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one !!“




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #760
    Senior Member PaulG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    4,991

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Tomo View Post
    I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question which I got wrong.


    The question was 'Where do women have the curliest hair ?
    appparently the correct answer was Fiji .
    Borrowing that one!

  11. #761
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.





    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
    He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want
    To tell my wife the word is sternum."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #762
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Roses are red,
    Violets are glorious,
    Don't try to surprise
    Oscar Pistorius.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  13. #763
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Williams sisters were recently discussing the problem of drugs

    in the warm-up room before a doubles match.




    "I think Dad might be slipping us steroids," whispered Serena.




    "What makes you say that?" Asked a stunned Venus.











    "Well", started an embarrassed Serena. "I've started to grow hair

    on parts of my body that have never had hair before!"




    "**** ... like where?" Venus asked.




    "Like all over my balls!" Serena replied.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  14. #764
    Member Tomo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    Melbourne south east
    Posts
    84

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

    One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

    1) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3) It is always the right temperature.
    4) It is inexpensive.
    5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6) It is always available as needed.

    And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

    7) It comes in two attractive containers... and the cat can't get it.

    He got an A.

  15. #765
    Senior Member BobC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Pakenham Victoria
    Posts
    238

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
    The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

    The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.


    The third interview was with an RAF Warrant Officer. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'


    The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant Warrant Officer, and he didn't mention my ears.'

    He asked, "Warrant Officer, how do you know I wear contacts?'

    'Well, sir,' the airman replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

Page 51 of 69 FirstFirst 123456789101112131415161718192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445464748495051525354555657585960616263646566676869 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •