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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #766
    Senior Member gcsmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Did you hear about the two baked beans that went hitch hiking in Queensland ?

    They both ended up in Cairns (Cans).
    Everybody is entitled to MY opinion

  2. #767
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Did you hear about the 2 peanuts walking into the bar?


    One of them was assaulted!

  3. #768
    Member geoff1969's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny: Seven, Sir.

    Teacher: No, listen carefully...

    If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

    Johnny: Seven, Sir.

    Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

    If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

    Johnny: Six.

    Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

    Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

    A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

    A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a ****in' cat!!!

  4. #769
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    SIMPLE TRUTH #1
    Lovers help each other undress before ***.
    However after ***, they always dress on their own.
    Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

    SIMPLE TRUTH #2
    When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
    Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.

    THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
    1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

    3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

    4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

    AND A BONUS RULE:
    Condoms do not guarantee safe ***; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  5. #770
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Lance Armstrong my hero
    i believe the man is incredible and should be given some medals,can you believe he won 7 tour de frances while on drugs last time i took drugs i couldn't even walk let alone ride a bike
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  6. #771
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Every time i see I bicayles like sports bike rasing sort of thing on the loud speacker ''lance armstrong is in the lead" some of them be thinking the guys a cheat lol but if some one said that to me when riding it would give me the will to keep pushing and dont stop till ive reached the goal....

    Same as bussiness idea I have been talking to a few well off clients and there like that is a very good Idea I would invest case you cant lose in this idea if you were to invest....The love they show me and the little ideas they throw back keep me modavated towards that idea....Bla bla There he goes again....
    But if you aint ''STIHL'' you aint real....

  7. #772
    Senior Member cadase's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Always good for a laugh
    http://forums.whirlpool.net.au/archive/1288887
    wonder why it wouldn't start

  8. #773
    Senior Member Chris B's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by cadase View Post
    Always good for a laugh
    http://forums.whirlpool.net.au/archive/1288887
    wonder why it wouldn't start
    that was painful lol

  9. #774
    Senior Member GardenGuy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Once upon a time Whirlpool was a great place for technophiles to meet and talk. Now, it's just a million opinions... and most of 'em wrong.

    Cheers - GardenGuy.
    My Garden Guy - www.mygardenguy.com.au. Visit us at Facebook too! Visit our Blog for seasonal updates and hints about what your garden needs now.
    Servicing Sydney's North Shore from Chatswood to Cowan. Lawn mowing, gardening services, clean-ups and more.

    If you need lawn mowing and garden services, you need an ILMCOA member. Check the directory for someone local to you.

  10. #775
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  11. #776
    Senior Member happymowin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lolz ian good one (the wife said "what you laughing at in there" - i said "nothing dear", lol)'


  12. #777
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my ***y body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

  13. #778
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a Bull****ter. He's never been out of the yard'
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  14. #779
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A pastor was praying alone in his church when suddenly an angel appeared.
    She asked him if he had any questions and he said yeah
    how am i going with life, will i make
    it to heaven when i die.
    She replied yes you will if you can give up the
    drinking, the cigarettes and women
    A couple of weeks later she appears
    again and asks him how he is going with the three challenges.
    He says well ive given up the drink and the fags but i am having trouble with
    the woman part of it at which she says, why whats the problem.
    He replies, well the other day she was bending over the washing machine and i saw
    those long legs and i couldnt help myself so i gave her one there
    and then.
    oh gee she said, God would not approve of that sort of thing
    in heaven you know.
    He then said no, nor did the people in Harvey Norman.

  15. #780
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    world economies described with cows
    --------------------------------------------
    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
    throws the milk away

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy
    grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
    your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
    for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to
    produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
    the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
    dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
    You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
    cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
    twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
    market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows,
    but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive...
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

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