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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #781
    Member Rye Victoria great nature's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    this might have already been posted.
    True story..
    Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to ALDI, only to have their car break down in the car park.
    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
    Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
    On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
    The RACQ mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

    heres this too(unrelated).
    iphone 19 march 2013 081.jpg

  2. #782
    Senior Member djkgrounds's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Haven't laughed so hard for a long time.


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  3. #783
    Senior Member m287j's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I couldn't stop laughing reading that.

  4. #784
    Member of forum SM MOWING's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Im crying I laughed so hard......the misses is on the phone to the mother in law cant understand my shreeks of laughter!!!!!!!!!!!
    Independent and i know it

  5. #785
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    a few more even though you have to wonder why after reading these anyone would do it
    http://www.amazon.com/Veet-Hair-Remo...ews/B000KKNQBK
    http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  6. #786
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
    He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
    Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
    nature through such innocent eyes.
    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
    He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
    He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
    'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
    'They're mating,' her father replied.
    'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
    A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
    'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
    As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
    He replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
    'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
    lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
    'Well", she said, "that may be OK in New Zealand, but we're not having any
    of that **** in Australia."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #787
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises
    coming from the bedroom.
    She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the
    bed, sweating and panting.
    'What's up?' she asks.
    'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
    The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
    dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, Mummy, Mummy, Aunty
    Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"

    The blonde slams the phone down and storms back
    upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
    Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
    her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
    'You rotten *****', she screams.
    'My husband's having a heart attack,
    and you're running around naked,
    playing hide and seek with the kids!!'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  8. #788
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

    "No," said her husband.

    She gave him a ***y little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

    "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

    "Uh, no," he said.

    She gave him another ***y little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No," he said, now really intrigued.

    "Well go look in the garage..."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #789
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

    The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

    The Kiwi says to the Australian: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!

    The Australian says to the Kiwi: Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi.

    He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!

    The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:

    Give me another cookie for my magic trick. The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

    Then he says again: Give me one more cookie... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

    The Australian eats this one too.

    Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: And where is your famous magic trick?

    The Australian says: Look in the Kiwi’s pocket!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #790
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Six reasons not to mess with children..........



    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

    The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

    The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

    .................................................. .................................................. .....................................

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

    The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

    .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ....

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

    Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

    .................................................. .................................................. ....................................

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

    'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

    .................................................. .................................................. .......................................

    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

    'Yes,' the class said.

    'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

    A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

    .................................................. .................................................. ....................................

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

    A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples.'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #791
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a
    church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he said, "the
    situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I
    remember," he continued, "one day I was protecting the bombers and
    suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."

    There were a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children
    began to giggle. "I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokkers were
    directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then,
    though, the other Fokker was right on my tail."

    At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing
    with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing
    loudly.

    The pastor finally stood up and said, "I think I should point out that
    'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of
    the planes used by the Germans during the war."

    "Yes, that's true," said the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying
    Messerschmits




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #792
    Senior Member BobC's Avatar
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    Default Frequent Flier Miles

    The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars
    after accumulating enough Frequent Flier Miles.

    They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
    Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
    how they make money, etc.

    Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of ***.

    'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

    The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
    the night and experience one another's ***ual practices... Maureen and
    the male Martian go off to a bedroom. When the Martian strips, he has
    only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and a quarter-inch
    thick.

    'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

    'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

    'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

    'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
    With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
    impressively long.

    'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

    'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
    member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
    exciting to the woman.

    'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
    separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
    good?'

    'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

    'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
    slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

  13. #793
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Australian Medical Association (AMA) has weighed in on Tony Abbott’s new paid parental leave proposal funded by a levy on business.

    The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the

    Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

    Neurologists thought the Opposition had a lot of nerve.

    The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

    Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

    Paediatricians thought that they should "Grow Up"

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

    Radiologists could see right through it.

    The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

    The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and Audiologists just wouldn’t hear of it.

    The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

    Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

    Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

    The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the

    Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra.
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  14. #794
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Wife Jokes

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
    But strangely enough, once she’d killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
    So I thought, “bugger it, I'll soldier on!”

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
    I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
    I panicked. I didn’t know what to do......
    Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  15. #795
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Love it.....141414

    Quote Originally Posted by AJD Mowing View Post
    Wife Jokes

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
    But strangely enough, once she’d killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
    So I thought, “bugger it, I'll soldier on!”

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
    I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
    I panicked. I didn’t know what to do......
    Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
    Everything looks good with a haircut.... ɐuıɥɔ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sʇɐɥʇ

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