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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #796
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This ar5ehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that VB or XXXX?"

    I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

    ***********

    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.



    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."



    I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to those good looking chicks over there instead of you."



    ***********

    I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

    "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,

    "Come on, what day was I born?"

    I said, “Yesterday."

    ***********

    I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

    I said, "Nice legs."

    The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

    ***********




    see what you've started Dean lol




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #797
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."
    Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked,
    "What's your name?"

    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to
    change your name."

    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old and I will not disrespect my grandfather
    by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name
    like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
    represent you."

    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

    Five years later ......

    The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.
    The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

    Dear Sir,
    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me
    I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what
    you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office,
    so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is
    a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your advice.

    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #798
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Lol leasbians hell yeah....

    When Imapal was a young lad his father done a remodle for a few Stars one being salvester staloin....Dad you were with rambo he said he just a person like you and me....just crazy.

    He said to dad "You drew first blood not me'' and dad repled ok....
    But if you aint ''STIHL'' you aint real....

  4. #799
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under
    your skirt. I'll explain later.'

    The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister,
    have you seen a soldier?'

    The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

    After the MP's ran off, the soldier
    crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
    Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'

    The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

    The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'


    The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
    great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #800
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
    Door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
    Within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
    With a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

    The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years
    Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
    I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
    Leave me alone.'

    The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
    Coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
    Door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
    Daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
    Said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
    Thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
    Husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a
    Shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
    Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
    Of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked: 'What the f!* are you doing?'

    The husband replied:



    'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #801
    Member Rye Victoria great nature's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    On ya Redeye. Can always count on you for a good joke.

  7. #802
    Senior Member 63impala's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    That for real if it was a black guy the farking sun in law taking over the whole couch trying to what the game pass the remote when you leave lol
    But if you aint ''STIHL'' you aint real....

  8. #803
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    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #804
    Member Rye Victoria great nature's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  10. #805
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us





    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #806
    Member Rye Victoria great nature's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  12. #807
    Senior Member BSD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    OMFG!!!.....THE FIRST ONE ....Just to think that some dude actually had this pic on the net, is he/it a member?
    Quote Originally Posted by great nature View Post

  13. #808
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by great nature View Post
    Your a Star...........
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  14. #809
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, Walked into a bar in Dublin ..

    She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

    "What man here will buy a woman drink?

    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
    But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

    "Give the ballerina a drink!"


    The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

    "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"


    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another Drink!"


    The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"




    The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  15. #810
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    DON'T watch this if you're Born Again, easily offended etc etc.....
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zHVW7Zy_vg




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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