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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #811
    Senior Member Mow And Go's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    DON'T watch this if you're Born Again, easily offended etc etc.....
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zHVW7Zy_vg
    lmfao classic, that ranks up there with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLnWf1sQkjY ...same rules apply
    I dont break things ...I just use them beyond their operational limitations
    www.mowandgogardening.com.au

  2. #812
    Senior Member cadase's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Mow And Go View Post
    lmfao classic, that ranks up there with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLnWf1sQkjY ...same rules apply
    I'D Swear that first girl had an adams apple

  3. #813
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  4. #814
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    0214.jpg



    ..................................




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #815
    Senior Member Mow And Go's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    lmfao classic!! that's now doing the sms rounds
    I dont break things ...I just use them beyond their operational limitations
    www.mowandgogardening.com.au

  6. #816
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    its no joke, people are dying!!! warning!!beware!!don't stand under the trees!!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #817
    Senior Member Mow And Go's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    one of my exs was a pure blood swede, met her about a week after she arrived here ...needless to say, not long into our relationship, she was on the lookout for drop bears lmfao ...god I can be a bastard :\
    I dont break things ...I just use them beyond their operational limitations
    www.mowandgogardening.com.au

  8. #818
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    DISNEYLAND

    Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

    FLORIDA OR MOON

    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

    The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

    CAR
    TROUBLE

    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

    She says, 'What's the story?'

    He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

    She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

    SPEEDING
    TICKET

    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

    She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
    Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

    RIVER
    WALK

    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

    'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

    KNITTING

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

    'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

    BLONDE
    ON THE SUN

    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

    The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

    The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

    The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

    'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

    To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

    IN A
    VACUUM

    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

    It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

    Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

    She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

    FINALLY,
    THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

    And asked her what their names were.

    The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

    Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

    'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #819
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Jeez I thought Simmo was back
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  10. #820
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    they weren't marketing jokes




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #821
    Senior Member GardeningSolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Pushing the mower this morning and thought back on some of the weird sh*t I've seen on the job.

    Did a cleanup a while back. Went to the ute, returned to the back yard to find the owner (70yr old, 5ft neon Welsh man ) Completely naked fossiking in my wool pack.

    Saw two guys dressed in black beating down on a woman at a block of flats. About to call the cops until one turned around and had police written on the back of his jumper.

    Cant remember the rest just now.

    Anyone else care to share their "weird sh*t they've seen on the job ?

  12. #822
    Senior Member GardeningSolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by GardeningSolutions View Post
    Pushing the mower this morning and thought back on some of the weird sh*t I've seen on the job.

    Did a cleanup a while back. Went to the ute, returned to the back yard to find the owner (70yr old, 5ft neon Welsh man ) Completely naked fossiking in my wool pack.

    Saw two guys dressed in black beating down on a woman at a block of flats. About to call the cops until one turned around and had police written on the back of his jumper.

    Cant remember the rest just now.

    Anyone else care to share their "weird sh*t they've seen on the job ?
    Another one. Half way through mowing a regular customers front lawn and the drug squad arrived and raided the house. Cops told me to stop and leave. Sat in the ute and watched. Still got paid for the lawn.

  13. #823
    Senior Member BSD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    In the pest business, sometimes folk say, Ohh dont worry 'bout the roof/shed/5th bedroom etc,,, thier ok, ...Ahem, sure....pay n go......

  14. #824
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
    Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
    "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
    "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
    "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
    "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."
    And the golfer walks off.
    "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
    "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic *** life."
    A year goes by and the golfer is back.
    On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
    "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,"the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
    "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
    "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
    "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
    "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer *** life?"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
    "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
    Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
    "What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

    "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  15. #825
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

    "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of ***ual assault".

    "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

    "In the park just down the road" she replied.

    "Can you describe what happened?"

    "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his
    way with me".

    "Could you give me a description of him?"

    "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

    "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

    "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

    “That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

    "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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